Download the First Draft as a PDF here.
Download the Second Draft as a PDF here.
If this were the kind of thing you’d get a TV Guide listing for,
the one for this would read; ‘Jimmy and Jonny introduce themselves (10
minutes), then talk about house prices (30 seconds)’.
Jonny The
following program contains strong language and adult content.
Jimmy
Well, we talk a lot about fully grown weight lifters.
Jonny
Actually, just switch it off now. The whole show’s going to be like
this.
Jimmy
Yes, that’s good advertising. Telling people not to listen.
Jonny
Works in some cases.
Jimmy
Well, we don’t so that argument fails. Here’s a title sequence anyway.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
Jonny
Well hello there, I’m Spartacus.
Jimmy No,
I’m Spartacus.
Jonny
True, you order pizza like that …
Jimmy
They always mess up my name.
Jonny
How’d they mess up ‘Jimmy’?
Jimmy
What, emotionally?
Jonny Oh,
Christ we don’t have time for that.
Jimmy
What do we have time for?
Jonny The
thing we’re talking about
Jimmy
Which is …?
Jonny Oh,
I thought you’d done the homework on this, I’ve no idea.
Jimmy I
had the basic outline -
Jonny Of
a basic white girl …
Jimmy
Oh here we go with the interrupting! No, I planned out what we’d talk
about and you’ve already taken to it like a steamroller on speed.
Jonny
Speed roller, surely?
Jimmy
So given that the plan is already dead and we’ve barely just started,
should I at least explain to our one listener what’s actually going on
here.
Jonny
Someone forced us to have a breakdown and then gave us microphones to
amplify the screaming?
Jimmy
He’s talking to you, Alexa.
ALEXA
(Muffled) He shouldn’t be, I’m not really even here.
JONNY
You’re just playing candy crush.
ALEXA
We’ve been here three minutes and you haven’t even said your names yet.
You said my name before you said yours, and I don’t even exist. Wow, you
guys really need to learn how to do a podcast.
JONNY
Fine. I’m Jonny, my ‘friend’ is called Jimmy. Please note the entire and
complete absence of any ‘Spartacuses’ in the recording booth.
ALEXA And
maturity.
JIMMY
Oh, so you’re contributing now are you? Anyway that disembodied voice
you can sometimes hear supposedly is Alexa, our producer.
ALEXA
Well, I edit the show after we record it so that it’s actually useable.
JONNY So
everything we’ve recorded so far will be totally thrown away.
JIMMY
Maybe this is a strategy that we have to agree to do the podcast, get
paid and then long, long after the money has been paid, they realise
that none of it is actually useful.
JONNY
It’s the scam we run, yeah. We’re actually a Russian spy op.
JIMMY We
find out all sorts of useless crap, yeah.
JONNY
I mean, sure, that’s not why we’re doing the podcast. It’s the sort of
thing like, you know, how I guess …
JIMMY
Wow, that sentence started so well.
ALEXA So
did this life.
JONNY
Alexa, always on hand with the existential depression.
JIMMY
Although to be fair she hardly needs to be. We basically have that
covered ourselves.
JONNY
Covered for the existentialism, but not legally …
ALEXA
The opinions expressed herein are the views of … frankly no sane person
would ever have these views … let’s just go with ‘this is made up and if
you’re offended then bite me’.
JIMMY
Why’d you feel the need to bring your kinks into our safe space?
ALEXA
You’re white men, every space is safe.
JONNY
Touché.
JIMMY
Touchy, more like.
ALEXA
Were you two going to get to the point?
JIMMY
(Interrupting) No.
JONNY
(Interrupting) Yes.
ALEXA
Cool, so what was the topic of discussion?
JIMMY Ah,
so this is your first producing gig.
ALEXA
That’s as maybe, but you’ve clearly been producing shit for years.
JIMMY
See, the funny thing with a podcast like this …
ALEXA Is
switching it off and listening to something else?
JONNY Nah
but see, this is sort of like our real estate, cos obviously we’ll never
own property so like at least we can take up air waves? Or something
like that?
JIMMY I
dunno man, if you want to own air, just buy a bag of chips – seems
perfectly equivalent to me.
JONNY
Well what I want to own is a house. But I have to make do with sharing a
podcast with a pair of assholes.
ALEXA I
mean, there certainly is a point to be had there …
JIMMY In
much the same way as there’s a point in stabbing yourself with a
compass.
JONNY I
mean, yes as an expression of identity (or, as they say in mathematics,
an Identity) having broadcast media is one way to immortalise. As a real
estate thing but also as a way of proving that we’re actually worth
something.
JIMMY You
could also prove that by selling organs. Not the ones in your body, just
the piano kind.
ALEXA But
then there’s the elephant in the room.
JONNY
Well, yes that is what the keys are made from.
JIMMY
Alexa, I thought you weren’t contributing.
ALEXA I
thought I wouldn’t have to, but as it stands right now if I hadn’t we’d
still be stuck on ‘what’s your name’.
JIMMY My
name’s Jonny.
JONNY And
I’m Jimmy.
ALEXA Oh
for God’s sake.
JIMMY
Fine, you wanted to talk about house prices, so do it.
ALEXA
They’re high?
JONNY
(Interrupting) Same.
JIMMY
(Interrupting) Same.
ALEXA
Thing is, nobody’s really had the time for house hunting because of the
lockdowns.
JIMMY I’d
have thought houses were easy to hunt, what with being prey animals and
all.
JONNY
Easy to hunt but hard to catch, it’s like a tortoise; even once you’ve
found one you still need to get it out of the shell. And that would
require a massive spoon.
JIMMY I’m
not spooning a house.
ALEXA Oh,
so you do have standards.
JIMMY
Arguably so does NZQA but I still passed and look at me. A real 80
credits to the system.
JONNY But
this is about house prices, right?
JIMMY No,
they’re not right because they’re too damn high but this is what we’ve
been saying this whole time. Come on, man, are you even paying
attention?
JONNY
What does it cost?
JIMMY
Less than your rent, most likely.
JONNY I
looked for a house once …
ALEXA And
it was where you left it? Or are you the only person in the world dumb
enough to have misplaced a house?
JONNY I
mean at least car alarms made a sound and the lights flash so if you’re
tuck you can blip it and then you know where it is.
JIMMY
‘Blip’ it?
JONNY
Yeah that’s a technical term. But I went house hunting with my sister …
JIMMY And
didn’t have a big enough gun so it’s still alive and prowling around the
wasteland.
JONNY
Come on, you’ve seen Hamilton, it’s all wasteland. Anyway my
house-hunting expedition basically determined that you needed to have a
lot of money to start with otherwise you’d get nowhere.
JIMMY
And, obviously, we don’t have any of that nonsense. The fact we’ve
covered the trestles with a tablecloth …
JONNY My,
oh my, that’s too much class for me.
ALEXA You
guys just need one of those houses that’s just a white square. It’s
probably somewhere out there sitting and waiting for you.
JIMMY But
houses are prey animals – they’re never quite where you’ve left them.
Wait a minute, you just said houses were waiting and that’s predator
animal behaviour … what if we’ve got it wrong … what if houses are
actually predators? Explains why they’re so much harder to hunt
JONNY
Just waiting to eat you? That checks out … So I do have something
positive to take from this.
ALEXA
That makes one of us; what are you contriving from this … miserable
experience?
JONNY …
At least I’ve never been eaten by a house.
JIMMY So,
seeing as it’s clearly the end for now; what have we learnt today?
JONNY
That Alexa’s a liar.
JIMMY We
knew that.
ALEXA
Hey!
JIMMY We
learnt that house prices are high, and not able to be spooned.
JONNY
Same; and also we already knew that.
JIMMY
Fine, so we wasted half an hour. Worthwhile, though?
ALEXA No.
Good God you two are boring.
JONNY You
couldn’t do it better.
ALEXA
Maybe I can, we’ll just have to see at some point in the future.
JONNY On
a cold day in Hell.
JIMMY
(Sighs) I reckon that’s about it.
The recording cuts out with no further goodbyes.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY So
that’s it? We just recorded a podcast?
JONNY
Soon enough we’ll be the leading voices on the future of Bitcoin.
ALEXA I
swear to whichever God is listening if you guys are the leading voices
on anything, it’ll be ‘taking a horse to water’.
JONNY
There’s a joke there about taking a whore to culture. But I won’t bother
with it.
ALEXA
Smart man.
This week on ‘Versus The World’, the team look at capitalism in
much the same way as people look at the Sun (it’s legally advised not to
do so directly). With adverts, for once.
JIMMY
Here’s a joke; two cows walk into a bar --
Jonny
It’s Alexa and the guest!
Jimmy
Quick, quick, roll the titles. Don’t ask questions just do it!
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY So, for
like the first half of last time we didn’t have a direction and
apparently that caused some problems.
ALEXA
Because it was a waste of time.
JONNY How about
we pick a topic and discuss that
ALEXA
This is literally my greatest dream.
JIMMY Just so
we’re clear on this, you are singlehandedly the only person getting in
the way here. We are trying to do work and you’re deciding to interrupt.
So if you want proper broadcasting could you please sit down and shut
up?
ALEXA If
I wanted proper broadcasting, then I would hire a proper broadcaster.
JONNY Anyway,
let’s talk about capitalism.
JIMMY Big
letters are needed to make writing easier to read.
JONNY I think
you may have gotten confused and started talking about capitalisation.
Or need glasses.
JIMMY Yeah but
glasses cost money and this was my point. You see –
JONNY The
wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s long since dead?
JIMMY What’s
that got to do with anything?
JONNY A
metaphor for capitalism.
JIMMY I mean,
yes, but I’m still not sure why it’s just sandwiched in there.
JONNY Stuff’s
only sandwiched when it’s surrounded on both sides.
JIMMY Time
doesn’t work like that, though.
JONNY Time
doesn’t work at all, to be honest. We just end up working forever
with no real result …
ALEXA In
that case, here’s a few things you could do to make this seem more
worthwhile –
JIMMY One, sit
down. Two, shut up. Three, order more coffee for the office machine.
JONNY Having
done two, how can I be expected to do three? Also, in order, yes sir, no
sir, and three bags full, sir.
JIMMY Well, put
that way I can see what you mean about the hamster wheel.
JONNY Crap, I
just remembered I need to replace my hamster wheel
ALEXA You
know that was a metaphor, right?
JONNY I don’t
mean mine-mine, I mean in my house.
JIMMY Thought
you were gonna say ‘mine house’ for a second there. Then the pelicans
from Finding Nemo would have had a field day.
ALEXA
Losing focus again.
JIMMY No need
to declare it every time.
ALEXA
Right. Well. You guys shouldn’t … interrupt …
JONNY It’s my
whole character at this point.
ALEXA You
could try to change that by the end of this podcast, just to see what
happens.
JONNY She seems
to think she’s my therapist
ALEXA Who
told you to put on pants this morning?
JONNY It wasn’t
… I didn’t … that was … there’s no way I can answer that so that I look
good. Just know, dear reader/watcher/listener/masochist that I have
pants on now.
JIMMY Incorrect
yet again.
JONNY Shush.
ALEXA
Aaaaanyway, holy damn it’s taken a fair while to get to even this point
and frankly I’m wondering if it’s worth continuing … you should try to
stay on topic for our discussion about capitalism.
JONNY How about
I charge per word that I use for the rest of the recording? Let’s say
pay up front for a hundred words, and not go over? Ten cents a word?
JIMMY One
‘sense’ per word, more like.
JONNY Do you
think so or not?
JIMMY Not my
money, so do whatever. When are we starting this? You currently used
about twenty of your hundred allowed words.
JONNY I, well,
fine …
JIMMY Let’s
round that down to twenty, even though you’d probably be up at forty by
now.
ALEXA
Good start, rounding down. Which brings me neatly on to …
JIMMY As neatly
as a bull in a whirlpool …
ALEXA …
We need some donations …
JIMMY And the
tact and skill of a bull stepping on a drawing pin …
ALEXA …
or else we won’t be able to keep going forever.
JIMMY Although,
based on how the past week has gone, would you want to?
JONNY No.
ALEXA So,
subscribing to the channel or donating through PayPal … that’s forty-one
for Jonny, note it down.
JIMMY Note it
down? You don’t even trust him not to cheat.
ALEXA He
is a man. Q E D. I see the nodding Jonny; wait, does that count as a
word?
JIMMY Let’s
make facial expressions worth two words, to disincentivise them.
ALEXA So
he may as well use the two words now.
JONNY Preach,
sister.
JIMMY Funny,
even though we’re literally talking about him, I’d forgotten he was
here.
ALEXA
Like the elephant in the room, or the spectre at the feast.
JIMMY I was
gonna combine those, but that only led to ‘the feast in the room’ which
is just how we live our lives.
ALEXA Not
complaining.
JONNY I am!
ALEXA But
only very quietly because rebellion costs you money, and if today has a
point it’s probably that. Forty-three now.
JIMMY Your
boyfriend is?
ALEXA
Wow, why the personal attacks?
JIMMY Oh true,
I should be fighting Jonny, who can’t defend himself.
JONNY Don’t you
dare.
JIMMY That’s
forty-six. Nearly halfway.
ALEXA I
did something really clever and nobody pointed it out
JIMMY “… So I’m
going to blow my own horn really loudly.” Yes, we heard your ‘this is
the point of the session’ thing.
ALEXA
Because how else were we going to discuss capitalism in a podcast?
JIMMY With an
extended story or metaphor that, due to the absence of a live audience,
or a broadcast one, entirely fails to land in any meaningful way.
ALEXA Oh,
you’re quite right – we might as well put in an ad break.
JIMMY I never
said that.
ALEXA But
your point was about how we need to get money for more broadcasts,
right?
JONNY And if he
tells a long story, I swear to any God listening that I will actually
kill myself while on-air.
ALEXA
Sixty-seven.
JIMMY Lucky for
you, then, I have no ideas.
ALEXA And
unlucky for everyone listening.
JONNY You mean,
anyone listening.
ALEXA
This is our space, we can do whatever.
JIMMY Also
that’s seventy-one.
JONNY Do we
even review these before posting?
ALEXA I
was literally in the room when you said the thing pre-titles, if that’s
what you mean. Who was the guest you mentioned anyway.
JONNY Just at a
glance it looked like there were two of you.
JIMMY … And a
nice round ninety. Until capitalism bites you in the ass and shuts you
up.
JONNY Which it
hasn’t really done.
JIMMY Five!
JONNY Reset?
JIMMY Four!
JONNY
Countdown!
JIMMY Three!
JONNY Shit!
JIMMY Two!
JONNY …
ALEXA
Jonny? Anything to say?
JONNY …
JIMMY He
finally got smart.
ALEXA No.
He just switched off the microphone.
JONNY No! I
didn’t and the listeners would never have known, so you were gonna try
to defame me and would have gotten away with it.
JIMMY If it
weren’t for you pesky kids?
ALEXA
Also, by my calculations, that’s like $100,000 to a charity of your
choice.
JONNY Well,
fuck.
ALEXA
$200,000 now.
JIMMY We might
as well stop here since neither of us believe in capitalism.
ALEXA
Like it’s a religion?
JIMMY
Everything’s a religion if you just believe.
ALEXA
Jonny’s going to have to believe real hard so he doesn’t die because of
the pre-titles.
JIMMY Although
having a guest is something we could try …
JONNY If anyone
would come on this dumpster fire of a podcast.
ALEXA And
it’s up to $300,000.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA Do
you have something to apologise for?
JIMMY I
think he’s out of words, so you’ll have to pay him extra.
ALEXA
Perhaps he should be worrying about our collective profitability rather
than just his own.
JONNY
‘He’ is right here! I’ll put the ad up online for the raffle
right now!
ALEXA Oh!
So you do speak?
JONNY And
at a competitive hourly rate.
JIMMY
Over-competitive, yes. But I would rate you a 2/10.
JONNY For
the ass?
JIMMY The
thing you talk out of is called your mouth, sir.
JONNY Wow
… okay, it’s gonna be like that is it …
ALEXA Oh
yeah, I just remembered that Jonny was better when he wasn’t talking …
The team look into their past (bad idea) and discuss high school
drama and trauma (imagine that those two words rhymed).
JIMMY
I’ve always wondered, about school --
Jonny How
did we ever get up for it?
Jimmy
Well yes true, I’m still in bed now – but that’s a Covid thing …
JONNY So
you have Covid?
JIMMY No,
I just make bad life choices
JONNY
Quit bragging, you’re not special. But to answer the original question …
JIMMY No
need whatsoever. Did you learn nothing at school?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY Hello and
welcome to Versus the World, I’m Jimmy, and this is Jonny.
JONNY What the
hell are you doing?
JIMMY
Introducing the show.
JONNY It’s
because we have a guest this time, isn’t it.
JIMMY Alexa was
a glorified guest.
ALEXA
Objectified, more like.
JONNY I thought
your job was to produce not speak.
JIMMY That was
shockingly close to a ‘get back in the kitchen’.
ALEXA By
the way, our guest this week is …
JIMMY Do we
need to guess-t our guest?
ALEXA
Well, no. I literally know who it is.
JESS
I’m Jess, by the way.
ALEXA
Yeah, that’s my sister.
JONNY Oh, nice.
Well, showing her the squalor we live and work in is probably not a good
idea …
JESS
Live?
JIMMY I dunno
about him, but I have a house with a – wait, yeah I can see a sleeping
bag under his desk.
JONNY Yeah,
things are going really well at the moment.
JIMMY With
Covid and all, it’s fair enough.
JONNY Also Uni
exams.
JIMMY Oh yeah,
sometimes I forget that you are in Uni. I only did high school. Turns
out I don’t hate myself enough.
JESS
Why am I even here?
ALEXA Oh
yes! That’s right—guys, the topic this week is our education.
JIMMY What
little of it we remember
JONNY Tell me
about it, I have exams in ten days …
JESS
The thing is, we all went to school together …
JIMMY Wait,
what – did we?
JESS
Yeah, I can tell a story if you want?
ALEXA
That’s literally the whole reason you’re here otherwise I would have
left you at home.
JESS
So you guys know what the social structure at school was like …
JIMMY All the
other kids at one end and me and Jonny at the other …
JESS
No distinction between ‘cool kids’ and ‘uncool kids’ then? It was just
‘kids’ to you?
JIMMY There was
no need, I tortured them all indiscriminately.
JESS
Right, well, you remember the case of the missing apple pie, right?
JONNY I put up
posters and everything! Please tell me you know what happened …
JESS
Well, the way I saw the social structure was that the popular kids were
like a mob family, and anyone who displeased the mob boss got ‘killed’.
JIMMY Ah, a
precursor to cancel culture, I see. Which actually goes a reasonable
distance to explaining it …
JESS
Well, yes that too. And that’s all before you factor in --
JONNY Nooooo,
no factoring. I did enough life for a math time. Wait, wrong way around.
JESS
That we were teenagers with no knowledge of anything whatsoever
JIMMY As
opposed to adults with no knowledge of anything whatsoever.
JONNY Pfft,
we’re adults?
JESS
Guys! Do you want the story or not?
JIMMY Sorry,
mom
JONNY Sorry,
mom
ALEXA
Sorry, Jess, but how the hell’d you do that? I’ve been trying to control
these … insert derogatory terms here … for the past three weeks and you
do it in about ten seconds? No fair
JESS
It’s cos I have something they want … but yes, the popular group would
excommunicate you if you displeased them so upsetting a posh girl was
probably just about the worst you could do.
JIMMY Apart, in
their eyes, from befriending a poor girl.
JESS
Or boy, and this, in fact, is my point. You see, I don’t know if you
know this, Jonny, but you were actually quite popular in high school.
JONNY Nope,
never even noticed.
JESS
Well, you were. And then Alexa wanted to be your friend …
ALEXA Oh!
That was what I did! They all just stopped talking to me and I wasn’t
sure why. But that makes sense …
JONNY It was
probably just the end of high school, to be honest.
JIMMY End of an
error, if you ask me.
ALEXA So
they didn’t like that I was friends with Jimmy …
JESS
They didn’t want anyone to be friends with Jimmy.
JIMMY Sounds a
bit extreme if you ask me.
JONNY Well, yes
and you’re right but we literally haven’t asked you, as evidenced since
the last time you said that.
JESS
But they hated you so much
JONNY Because
he was friends with me? And so nobody else was allowed to be friends
with him?
JESS
You keep interrupting …
JONNY Yes,
because I don’t want you to finish the story
JESS
Fine, then you do it …
JONNY …
JIMMY …
ALEXA …
JESS
You have all the details, go on.
JONNY … Fine.
You remember how at Ball there was apple pie
JIMMY That
looked so good!
JONNY They
asked me to …
JIMMY … I got a
piece but it went missing before I could – hang on!
JONNY … yeah.
They asked me to steal it.
JIMMY And you
did it! Why?
JONNY Nobody
would dance with me at Ball if I didn’t.
ALEXA I
should imagine nobody danced with you anyway.
JONNY …
Well, no they didn’t. But that’s beside the point.
JIMMY The point
is that you ruined my life.
JONNY
Overdramatic!
JIMMY Like the
pies you were trying to smash.
JONNY They do
that with custard pies and that’s different as you well know.
JIMMY Please,
can we not talk about Ball? Anymore? Ever again?
JONNY Why not?
JIMMY It was
shit. I lost some pie because someone was being a simp.
JONNY How many
times do I need to say sorry!
JIMMY Every ten
seconds for the next twenty years?
JONNY Fine,
I’ll just stop talking.
JIMMY I’m not
even looking at you anymore.
JONNY I
noticed, it’s only a small room. But it was pie. I can get more
pie.
JIMMY Can’t get
my dignity back.
JONNY Mate, if
I could do that I would have my own.
JIMMY …
JONNY (Sigh).
Fine.
There’s silence for a beat.
JONNY You did
this.
JESS
Me?
JONNY
Everything was fine before you showed up and now it’s a mess. He’s been
lying to me for a decade …
ALEXA So
everything wasn’t fine? You just couldn’t see it.
JESS
You wanted to talk about high school! High school was a mess!
JONNY Well now
I don’t want to talk about anything.
ALEXA …
JIMMY …
JONNY …
ALEXA …
Well, I guess we’ll end it there.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY Are
we clear?
JONNY …
ALEXA I
don’t think he’s talking to you
JIMMY Why
am I being punished for this! Neither of us speak to her anymore.
ALEXA
I’ve nothing to add, but if this is gonna carry on, next week will be a
mess.
JONNY ...
JIMMY
We’ve known each other twenty years and this is what it’s come to.
JONNY …
ALEXA But
yes, we stopped recording a minute ago. Thank God.
S1 E4 – Cryin’
This week, Jimmy and Jonny analyse being lonely and living alone,
entirely through the medium of not talking to each other.
JIMMY I’m
still not talking to you.
JONNY An
interesting opening line, given that you spoke it.
JIMMY …
ALEXA I
got a special guest for the week if that helps?
JONNY Is
it that girl from high school?
ALEXA
Jimmy looks like he might attack you over that joke, to be honest
JONNY
Fine, let’s see what kind of guest you’ve got. Alexa, play the opening
titles.
ALEXA
Never do that joke again or I’ll attack you.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Welcome to Versus the World, where the introduction is optional, and the
options are mandatory.
JONNY Can we
choose which ones are mandatory?
ALEXA No.
Anyway that’s Jonny and the other one who will show up soon is Jimmy
JIMMY I’m right
here – I got here before you did.
ALEXA I
can make you seem unprofessional to the audience, just like you are in
real life. So I will.
JIMMY We did
ask for that one, I think.
ALEXA So,
good morning lads, I have some good news and some bad news.
JONNY The
good news is Jimmy will talk to me again?
ALEXA No,
that’s actually the bad news – that he won’t.
JIMMY And
the good news?
JONNY You
have your hand across your face like it’s a test in primary school and
you’re wanting nobody to copy you.
ALEXA The
good news is that last week was our best show yet. From the looks of the
comments people think it’s scripted.
JIMMY It
fucking isn’t. My pie – ten years … Ten years and I’ve been betrayed by
a pie with no filling.
JONNY I’m not a
pie!
JIMMY But
you’ve no moral filling!
ALEXA The
airspace is pretty dead too. But, in answer to your earlier question;
yes, Jess is back this week too
JONNY To start
more shit, presumably
JIMMY Yeah why
did we agree to have her back
ALEXA
She’s literally my sister, so you have no choice
JIMMY We could
walk out
ALEXA And
risk making the show better? Doubt it
JONNY What’s
the discussion for today?
JESS
Say sorry to Jimmy
JONNY I’m not
talking to him
JIMMY I’m not
talking to him
JESS
See, I told you that whatever happened this week the show would be
better.
ALEXA All
this talk of you being a massive ratings success has made you
overconfident. Be careful of the pull to the Dark Side
JONNY So, in
summary, I’m not talking with Jimmy
JIMMY And I’m
not talking to Jonny
JONNY And
neither of us are –
JIMMY --
talking with Jess
ALEXA
Wow, that was a perfectly synchronised speaking routine. And you didn’t
even interrupt each other once!
JIMMY You and
your sarcasm can go and spin on a di—
JESS
Anyway, I thought we’d talk about lockdown
JIMMY Why would
we do that?
JONNY How would
we do that?
ALEXA Who
will do that?
JESS
I don’t know I’m just having ideas
JIMMY Bad ones
JONNY Nice
interruption
JIMMY Thanks.
No, shut up. I’m not talking to you
JESS
…
JONNY Well, you
wanted to talk about loneliness …
JESS
You guys live alone, right?
JIMMY
Thankfully
JESS
Yeah well I thought you could have a debate
JONNY And where
do you fit into this master plan, exactly?
JESS
Ideas, admin, the best looking
JIMMY Nobody’s
fighting you on that
JONNY Way to
shoot your shot
JIMMY No, I
just mean you’re bottom of the barrel, and I’m get a shovel and dig,
which only leaves Alexa who –
JONNY Dude be
careful, she’s killed men before
JIMMY I thought
we were fighting
JONNY Oh quite
right, carry on.
JESS
Jesus Christ --
JIMMY I do my
best
JONNY I do my –
dammit!
JESS
I just want to talk
JIMMY -- about
that lockdown is lonely. Nobody’s fighting you on that, much like the
looks thing
JONNY And that
this is probably the only social interaction we’ll have all week, which
sucks
JIMMY And that
if it were possible to go outside we’d probably at the very least be
doing this in the same room, or by Zoom; rather than Alexa who is
currently next to a Loom.
JESS
I’m next to Alexa, so I’m near the loom too
JIMMY Loon,
more like.
JONNY And if
we were able to do so, we’d probably go for a drink
ALEXA All
of us?
JONNY No, just
me and Jess. Now that’s how you shoot a shot.
ALEXA
Yeah, a Zoom podcast was a genius move.
JESS
One that many people had thought of, but yes. At the very least a way to
stave off loneliness.
ALEXA Not
that we’d know. I can’t get rid of you.
JIMMY You say
you’re in the same frame, but we can’t see you together.
A hand sticks out of Jess’ frame, and Alexa raises an arm out of
her shot.
ALEXA Has
that helped?
JIMMY Proved
that you can move your arms and someone is with Jess, yes.
JESS
Heavy emphasis on being with me. Hope there’s no subtext
JONNY Not me, I
just want my pie.
JIMMY Your
pie!
ALEXA Oh
here we go.
JIMMY Spoken
like a true shit-stirrer.
ALEXA In
answer to the discussion from earlier, Jonny was in the right.
JIMMY You’re
not helping
ALEXA I
am helping, just not you.
JONNY Hah! See,
she’s on my side!
JIMMY But I
knew her for longer.
ALEXA
Jimmy, I miss the old recording studio
JIMMY I don’t
JONNY You’re
literally sat in it. It is in your house.
ALEXA
Could you – turn off camera?
JIMMY Wait,
like seriously?
JONNY Might as
well, she’s probably just sick of looking at your face in the Zoom
square.
JIMMY For
someone that’s not talking to me because of betrayal, you’ve talked
quite a lot.
JONNY I was
stalling.
JIMMY In a way
exactly similar to a manual car?
JONNY No, my
brain uses rubber bands. But I guess, if there’s a point to be made
about loneliness
Jimmy’s door bell rings in the distance.
JIMMY Hold up
that’s my door, just a sec.
A beat of silence.
JIMMY Oh my
God! A pie!
Jimmy comes back into shot and sits down.
ALEXA Oh,
that’s what you were stalling for
JONNY Yeah, I
figured this was the best apology.
JIMMY But you
sent – how did – what?
JONNY Easy
enough to order it with your address. In the age of Uber Eats,
delivering someone else food is possible.
ALEXA
Just unheard of.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA So
you guys have next week off?
JIMMY
Yeah? That’s not new though, we told you like a month ago.
ALEXA
Yes, but nobody even vaguely wants to come on here.
JONNY Cos
Mr Steal-Yo-Girl over there will do what he does best.
JIMMY I
thought we made progress! Also that was literally you.
ALEXA Not
sure how you looked at Jonny and thought that was a win for Evolution.
JIMMY
Over-competitive, yes. But I would rate you a 2/10.
JONNY For
the ass?
JIMMY The
thing you talk out of is called your mouth, sir.
JONNY Wow
… okay, it’s gonna be like that is it …
ALEXA Oh
yeah, I just remembered that Jonny was better when he wasn’t talking …
JIMMY He
still said a lot though
JONNY
Pity I can’t pie you in the face from a distance
JIMMY
Praise be to Zoom
ALEXA No.
Don’t say things like that. It might catch on
S1 E5 – Shirkin’
Have you ever wondered what a show with no cast would look like?
Look no further, which is to say, stop listening now, before it’s too
late.
Alexa The
following broadcast contains adult content and strong language
Jess
Muscles …
Alexa
What about the adult content bit?
Jess
Fucking muscles …
Alexa
Well if that’s what you’re into … probably on the wrong show though …
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
Alexa
Well, we seem to have done it again … the fighting is proving popular
Jess
Who are you talking to? They aren’t even here
Alexa I
know … just thinking out loud
Jess
So …
Alexa So
...
Jess
…
Alexa
Gosh it’s boring when it’s just you
Jess
So, have you figured out a format yet?
Alexa Not
this, for fucking sure
JESS
You do better then
ALEXA At
the show?
JESS
No, just in general
ALEXA
Fine, I tell you what. We each tell a story …
JESS
Oh, God. I’m familiar with your stories
ALEXA
Yeah, and if I go first it won’t be the thing people most remember
JESS
Because people pay attention to the discussion
ALEXA
Fine. I’ll start then. Since you ask me for a story about the gosh darn
show … actually, you know what, I’ll just stop being all … like that.
Look we just tried this to see if it’d work.
JESS
Jury’s still out, along with the audience
ALEXA Cos
you started talking and put them all to sleep. But Jimmy and Jonny
always seem to know vaguely where we need to go, and I do the rest with
the planning
JESS
The one word of planning that you do relating to theme.
ALEXA
Hey! You keep interrupting
JESS
You’re, how shall I say, so clearly a producer that isn’t a broadcaster
that it’s actually painful.
ALEXA
Fine. I’m just trying to say we’re trying things out
JESS
And if you use the word trying one more gosh darn time
ALEXA
You’ll be trying my gosh darn patience?
JESS
I mean, it is a good thing to do during lockdown
ALEXA But
so is deep frying your face, so I’m not sure that’s a comparison worth
making
JESS
I mean, true, being a worthy waste of time is hardly high praise. Pity
we’re nearly out of ideas
ALEXA
What do you mean, out of ideas?
JESS
Well this whole conversation has been absolutely riveting, hasn’t it?
ALEXA
Just like every other conversation we have. A fair point, I guess. But
then what should we do?
JESS
Leave them in suspense. We can’t have this discussion on-air.
ALEXA
Fine, your monologue time.
JESS
I just think it’s interesting how …
ALEXA I
said ‘monologue’ not ‘boyfriend troubles therapy session’
JESS
I don’t see the difference
ALEXA
Fine, since we have minimal else to talk about and we seem to have the
internet real estate to just witter about nonsense …
JESS
The closest I have to a boyfriend at the moment is a particularly
enthusiastic Sim in …
ALEXA Oh
my God, no. Have you started playing The Sims again?
JESS
Well, yeah. What else do we have to do?
ALEXA You
could have helped me plan for this! Rather than getting to the podcast
record time and waiting for us to find a topic as if you have no say!
JESS
This isn’t my show
ALEXA A
good-ish point, adequate-ish-ly made
JESS
You play games too, surely. To escape from all … this
Jess gestures at the world in general
ALEXA For
the record, she gestured at everything in the little Zoom square
JESS
Yes, all of this.
ALEXA I
play games too –
JESS
With men’s hearts
ALEXA If
Jimmy or Jonny want to fall in love with an Alexa …
JESS
I thought you didn’t want them doing those jokes?
ALEXA
Them. But I’m not them.
JESS
Yeah. They seem to realise they’re being recorded a lot more than you do
ALEXA I
was never supposed to speak. Their original idea was just them, I was
only here for diversity!
JESS
Did they actually say that to you?
ALEXA No,
of course not – they do have some decorum. Or something, not sure
exactly what to call it
JESS
The term most people use is ‘semi-regular showers’
ALEXA But
I do sort of have to start thinking about how we continue …
JESS
You’ve been ‘starting’ to think about that stuff for three sessions now
ALEXA
Yeah, my brain’s still throwing the Windows Start-Up noise
JESS
Ah, not much RAM … I see the problem
Alexa gets up from her seat and disappears from the frame,
appearing in Jess’ Zoom square, she then shoves Jess and returns to her
own square
ALEXA
Plenty of ram, I think you’ll find
JESS
We really need to stop sharing a house.
ALEXA I
wish …
JESS
…
ALEXA …
JESS
I have an idea – oh wait, no. Doesn’t work
ALEXA
What?
JESS
I was going to do ‘shag, marry, kill’ but …
ALEXA One
marry, three kills
JESS
Who’s the marry
ALEXA
Myself obviously, screw the rest of you
JESS
Yeah … so anyway, we were talking about games
ALEXA
Needed them in the first lockdown, but less so later on
JESS
Especially now because you’re doing four people’s jobs all at once
ALEXA I
mean, yes, but also let’s just take stock of this show for a second
JESS
You know I don’t work here, right?
ALEXA Yes
and we’re related so you can’t shut me up
JESS
No matter how much we tried
ALEXA
Sorry, we?
JESS
Dad managed to resist the temptation to strangle you with a pillow at
birth, somehow
ALEXA But
he couldn’t find the milk at the diary. That was six years ago …
JESS
Fine, you win that round. What’s the stocktake?
ALEXA
You’ve been on three weeks now, you tell me
JESS
Ooh someone’s still salty about the strangulation joke
ALEXA
Yes! Why didn’t you do it!
JESS
My stocktake is that this seems to want to be a show with a theme where
people have thoughts except that literally all of the parts of that
puzzle are missing
ALEXA So
what’s in the puzzle? Let’s ignore for the second that the theme of this
week was supposed to be ‘Escapism’, but we seem to be rather directly
addressing big issues
JESS
That does seem to be the way we do things. And it is about
escapism, because all of the main cast aren’t here
ALEXA
You’re more agreeable, though
JESS
Wow, and I have that on record now. You can’t take it back, I can win
debates at family Christmas now.
ALEXA
Hey, hey, hey don’t get ahead of yourself
JESS
It’s on the record now and it’s in the past so I can’t get ahead of
anything. But yeah, have you any idea what you’ll do with the show going
forward?
ALEXA
Yes, I’m having some ideas. But I think we’ll tell them next time. I
think we’ve filled the time for this week.
JESS
So this is a sign-off?
ALEXA
Correct, this is a sign-off from the producer; the one person who is
supposed to literally never say anything. Hope I’ve been okay.
JESS
Till the next time
ALEXA
Hopefully more interesting
Jonny and Jimmy unmute their microphones.
Jimmy So?
What’d you decide? And also ehhh it was tolerable
Alexa
(Gasps) How long have you been there?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
What the hell were you doing?
JONNY
Seeing if there’d be anything exciting that we missed?
JIMMY
Seeing if you talk shit about us behind our backs
ALEXA I
do that to your faces … just so long as you don’t ask for more time off
just to waste it being at work …
S1 E6 – Workin’
The one where they finally figure out what they’re doing, for
exactly ten seconds right at the end. The rest is basically Business As
Usual.
Jimmy The
following program is the last in the current series and thank God. Is
that how this is supposed to go?
ALEXA
This program will contain ….
JONNY Oh,
right. This program may contain traces of nuts
ALEXA If
either of you manage to grow a pair …
JIMMY …. Or
some adult content
JONNY But
that’s unlikely. Good?
ALEXA
It’ll have to be. Or else I’ll start contemplating the alternatives to a
long and happy life …
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JONNY Welcome
to Versus The World. I’m a guy.
JIMMY And I’m
another guy. Today we’re going to talk about … drumroll please … THINGS!
ALEXA
Guys … come on.
JIMMY Fine, I’m
Jonny.
JONNY And I’m
also Jonny.
JIMMY Alexa,
how was last week?
ALEXA You
know full well how it was – why were you sat in on the Zoom call? You
had time off …
JONNY Time to
be a viewer, we left reviews and everything …
ALEXA Oh,
that explains the one I got calling Jess the best part of the show, and
saying I needed to lighten up.
JIMMY Surely
they all said that?
ALEXA
That solves the mystery of which of you two wrote it. No, although there
were a lot of messages that Jess should stick around. She couldn’t make
this week, though.
JONNY To be
fair, she did make the show better.
ALEXA Not
difficult. Although if starting drama is your definition of ‘making the
show better’ then I think I figured out the format
JIMMY At long
last – and yeah I have some ideas too. Jonny?
JONNY No
thoughts, head empty.
JIMMY You
should go back to job-hunting
ALEXA Oh
yeah, we should set up a Patreon
JIMMY What, so
people can reverse engineer it and take all our cash?
JONNY Yeah,
might be a little optimistic
ALEXA I
mean, I thought so too, but engagement has increased steadily while
we’ve been doing these and it might be worth asking people for money
JIMMY Only one
step better than being a homeless person
JONNY And on
that note, some words from our sponsors –
JIMMY Our what?
JONNY Sponsors,
Alexa gave me a bit of paper …
JIMMY When did
this happen?
ALEXA The
sponsor or the paper? And if you’re thinking of going back in time to
apologise to a tree, then you might be out of luck
JIMMY Which
brings me back to; please explain how talk of homelessness led directly
into the sponsor messages
JONNY It’s
because this week’s sponsor is Homeless Joe’s, with burgers so good you
might as well just live there
JIMMY Ah, I
see, that’s the market we’re aimed at, is it?
ALEXA And
we’ve roughly reached the halfway mark before we get to the sponsor
messages
JIMMY Oh yeah,
no guest this week …
ALEXA You
guys really are still getting used to the idea of having a format,
aren’t you? And she’s fine -- just go watch episodes 3-5, she was in
those
JONNY Yeah that
makes sense as something we can do right now.
ALEXA
But, yes, it seems that we’re the kind of show that has a sponsor now
JIMMY Not sure
how I feel about that
JONNY I know
how I feel about it and that is … PAID!
ALEXA
Which brings me on to a bigger question of what we’ll do going forward
JIMMY Oh yeah,
you wouldn’t tell us last week
ALEXA I’m
thinking you guys are going to need to get your own opinions
JONNY Down with
directions!
ALEXA
Maybe you should –
JONNY Lycra
should be illegal!
ALEXA --
think about them before –
JONNY Anyone
that gives me speeding tickets goes to prison
ALEXA --
you just start talking. OH MY GOD!
JIMMY Has he
arrived?
ALEXA For
the love of God please stop spouting random words in an order
JONNY These are
my opinions!
ALEXA You
have strong opinions about lycra, do you?
JONNY Depends
who’s wearing it
ALEXA
Jesus Christ! I’m trying to discuss the future
JONNY Good luck
getting him to wear lycra. He got hung up for being too loose with
cloth, back in the day. Far too slutty
JIMMY Did you
just slutshame Jesus?
ALEXA
Fine, I’ll just say it. Panelshow. Jimmy vs Jonny
JONNY So, just
like normal then
ALEXA But
with points
JIMMY The good
ones all made by me
JONNY At least
there’ll be a winner
ALEXA And
you’ll each get your own introductions
JIMMY ‘This is
my colleague, he’s wearing a safari costume’
JONNY That was
one time!
ALEXA
And, now that we’ve set a precedent, we’ll need a sponsor for each week
JIMMY So if
anyone wants to lose money, just let us know!
JESS
(From off-frame) And if you don’t like what the sponsors have to say
about the direction of the podcast, just fight them!
ALEXA
First of all your idea of defence is using a pea in a slingshot; and
second of all … ow! Okay I take the point.
JESS
(From off-frame) How’s the cat-herding going?
ALEXA
How’d you think? And also why’d you care?
JESS
(From off-frame) I’ve been on half of them, allowed to show an interest,
you know
ALEXA So,
get over here, then
JESS
No. Your show, your mistake
ALEXA I’m
a what?
JIMMY Anyway,
if you’re going to fight, could you do it ON screen, please? No point if
it’s just words
JONNY Yeah, we
did pretty okay, but we need a bigger viewership
JIMMY That’s a
high bar. We’d need more than 10 whole viewers
ALEXA As
I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, being directionless
will get you nowhere (quite literally)
JIMMY Like
Auckland Transport. Also you were … interrupted … like ten seconds after
we started
ALEXA
Yes, so shut up! I know what’s best for this show
JONNY And it’s
us. We are it.
ALEXA
Yes, sadly that’s just how it is, I don’t make the rules.
JIMMY You
literally do. Just did.
JONNY That’s
her whole job, yeah.
ALEXA
(Sighs) And I’ve finally reached the end.
JIMMY Of your
patience.
ALEXA So,
let’s come back in a few months with a panel show worth the space it
takes up
JIMMY So, only
like 30 seconds long? But yes, that sounds good.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA And
I already know how we’re going to start the next series.
JIMMY
With explosions?
ALEXA
With proper presenting. So, here’s your homework over the break …
JONNY I’m
gonna be sick …
ALEXA
Figure out how to actually do this stuff or else you’ll have to write it
as lines.
JIMMY
Jonny’s actually turning green, you’d best stop.
ALEXA
Fine. Seeing as you won’t do homework, let’s start right now. Repeat
after me; ‘Hello’ …
The recording cuts out.
S2 E1 – Vacationin’
This highly acclaimed (by my mum) podcast returns for a second
series. How, and perhaps more importantly, why?
ALEXA How
was the break for you?
JIMMY Well, I
broke down five years ago …
ALEXA No,
I mean the space between the podcast recordings …
JIMMY Oh yeah,
some people call that the ‘weekdays’
ALEXA
This week is sponsored by my Mum, who’s given us $100 to spend on snacks
and lunch across the series.
JIMMY We really
are going to need better sponsors.
JONNY And
content. Why are we doing the sponsor pre-titles?
ALEXA To
get it out of the way. Speaking of titles, let’s roll
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host
JIMMY Referee.
ALEXA
That’s Jimmy – the one man answer to the question ‘what do you get if
you cross … all the time’
JONNY Wow, no
fair, where’s mine
ALEXA I
was getting to you – jeez, calm down. And that’s Jonny, the one man
answer to the question ‘what do you get if you cross the road too fast
while 8 months pregnant
JONNY Not my
fault mum’s waters broke
ALEXA
Although it does explain why you are
JIMMY Are what?
ALEXA
Broke. Anyway, this is the panel show where two equally uninformed
idiots get asked questions they shouldn’t be expected to know the
correct answers to; and then they are anyway. The rules are pretty
simple, I ask a question, then duck for cover.
JIMMY Like a
duck that’s a spy?
JONNY That’s a
goose.
JIMMY You’re a
goose.
ALEXA
Anyway, this whole thing brings us on to … drumroll please
Jimmy starts drumming on the desk so loud it drowns Alexa out
ALEXA I
was going to introduce it, but nevermind the moment’s passed. Round one.
[Round one intertitle; a pre-recording of a large number of voices
burst out in conversation, then all cut out, and Jonny pipes in, with
Jimmy replying]
JIMMY What did
you say?
JONNY
Department of Conversation.
ALEXA
Wow. That’s an even worse titlecard than I thought. This is a round
where I ask a question and you spout the first unrelated crap that you
can think of in five seconds, which is basically how the news works now.
Person who gets the closest wins. Question 1: Being able to fly to
Australia, or being able to fly to Queenstown?
JONNY Dying in
the ocean cos you couldn’t fly to Australia, so kayaked there instead.
JIMMY Oh, crap.
That was fast. Also, specific …
JONNY Like the
gap between series, to be honest. And yes, I thought about it. Bought
the kayak and everything.
JIMMY But then
you decided, somehow, that living here was better?
JONNY I only
wanted to go on holiday. Turned out that the ocean was empty of people
enough that I didn’t need to.
JIMMY That
makes it sound like you chose to come back rather than being escorted
back to shore by the coastguard cos your boat flipped
JONNY How’d you
know the boat fipped
JIMMY Look at
you. If it’d done anything else, I’d be worried.
JONNY Yeah,
well at least I do exercise, what did you get up to in the break?
JIMMY … I had
lots of kitkats? What; it was a long break!
ALEXA
Gently herding the cats back towards the right discussion … Question 2:
What’s an Olympic sport that should exist and doesn’t?
JIMMY Kayaking?
We’d have a contender …
JONNY
Objection, your honor!
ALEXA
Yeah that doesn’t count. Antagonistic.
JIMMY What
about my honour?
ALEXA
Just answer the question!
JIMMY
Hedge-clipping. Hah! I win!
JONNY Sounds
like you didn’t get up to much over the break. If you needed to ‘clip
your hedge’ more than once.
JIMMY What does
that even mean?
JONNY What do
you even mean?
ALEXA
Question 3: What’s the best thing to do in movie theatre?
JONNY
Commentate it like a sports match.
JIMMY
(Simultaneous) Dammit!
JONNY
(Simultaneous) Score!
JIMMY … Yeah,
that was fun though. They did ask us to leave like three hours after the
film was supposed to start.
JONNY In
fairness, we were hogging the projection box so they couldn’t use it
JIMMY But then
…
JONNY Oh God …
JIMMY We
couldn’t get out because of fans …
ALEXA
Wait a minute, you guys have fans? What for?
JIMMY This show
…
ALEXA
What is this! Where are my fans! I make this show too!
JONNY You’d
probably get dick pics, it’s probably for the best …
ALEXA Oh
yeah, right. And they made you sign stuff.
JIMMY Yeah, a
ten metre walk took twenty minutes. I mean, we love them, but you also
love your partner and sometimes you wish they’d go away
JONNY And here
we are, back in ‘breakup therapist’ territory.
ALEXA …
And that’s it. That’s the whole round. Which is, for anyone who needed a
micro-micro-micro-nap, scored as follows – Jonny 2 and Jimmy 1! Let’s
move on to round 2! Quickly! Before the notice!
[Round two intertitle; an off-key rendition of the Mission
Impossible theme plays then Jonny states in monotone]
JONNY Ministry
of Stealth
ALEXA For
this round, we have a special guest – you may remember her from before
JONNY Nope,
never heard of her
ALEXA --
anyway, it’s Jess!
JESS
I love being introduced as ’anyway’…
ALEXA She
has the questions for this round. She wanted something to do, so here
she is
JESS
A real endorsement of my talents … The point of this round is to
monologue about an issue and sneak a word I specify into it. As soon as
you use the word, the round is over. Fastest to use the word wins.
JONNY So appeal
to the lowest common denominator?
JESS
… Jimmy, congratulations for winning!
JONNY No,
seriously?
JESS
Ahem, Question 1: Discuss the Covid restrictions on the Olympics and use
the word bananas.
JIMMY The
Olympics were so restricted that they didn’t even take place in the
right year. Huh, that sounded like a ‘your mom’ joke. Isn’t that
bananas?
JONNY In answer
to that, no. It’s not … that fruit … but the Olympics had too many
restrictions and it was always going to be just a little bit
disappointing. Things made because of commercialisation so often are,
like bananas. Shit, I said it …
ALEXA
Dude, you missed one opportunity to say it, what are you doing?
JONNY Wait, I
was supposed to say it? Fuck …
JESS
Question 2: Discuss the rise of Netflix and use the word Machievellian.
JIMMY Netflix
was on the rise anyway, but covid consolidated its market share. And
that’s even before we consider the whole advertising side of things,
which could almost be called Machievellian
JONNY There
must be a series on Netflix called Machievellian … surely …
JIMMY Damn,
you’re right
JONNY This
round is over pretty fast
JIMMY In a way.
I don’t like it because we’re not even making political points
JONNY That’s
not the purpose of the show
JONNY No, the
porpoise of the show is in her tank
ALEXA
Aaaaanyway, porpoise speaking, we have one more question
JONNY … how big
is the tank? Yes, go ahead
ALEXA …
it’s my show.
JESS
And yet, who reads out the questions? Question 3: Discuss the jobhunting
market, and this time you’re not allowed to swear
JIMMY Well,
FUCK … oh, fuck
JONNY As my
friend so eloquently put it, the job market is a mess at the moment, and
I would not recommend looking for a job unless you’re certain that
staying where you are would make you suicidal or … wait, I won this ages
ago so can I just say it’s a FUCKING nightmare
ALEXA And
so are you, no doubt.
JIMMY This
counts as a job though? Doesn’t it?
JONNY Yeah, I
guess? We do it.
JIMMY And this
series we get paid by the sponsors we definitely have lined up
JONNY Form an
orderly queue, please
JESS
Anyway, thanks guys, that’s all I’m contracted for, so I’ll be off
JIMMY Wait,
you’re contracted?
ALEXA So
that’s all for this week. There was supposed to be a whole third round
where we play ‘higher or lower’. But let’s say for posterity reasons
that it got edited out because of lack of time
JIMMY I’ll be
higher. Than you, at least.
ALEXA
Probably good, otherwise we might have a fight on our hands. Maybe
someday we’ll get through a whole show, but you two go off task even
when you’re on-task and I swear …
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY
It’s good to be back.
ALEXA If
you say so. I think I’ve been overthinking
JIMMY
That does seem a fair prognosis. What are the symptoms?
ALEXA I
have a tiebreaker round in a nine-question podcast between two people
JIMMY
What’s the question?
ALEXA
What’s the weather gonna do tomorrow
JIMMY Ah,
completing the full N-E-W-S cycle. How would you even decide a winner
off that?
ALEXA So,
what is it doing tomorrow
JIMMY
Geez, if you want to ask me out just do it, it’ll be far less painful
than this conversation …
S2 E2 – Isolationin’
JIMMY
Hey, can I have more time off – got a proper film job!
JONNY
Please don’t say that you started doing porn …
JIMMY That
would be an improper film job, obviously
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, one of the hosts
JONNY And I’m
Jonny, the other one of the hosts
JIMMY Wow, that
was boring.
ALEXA But
efficient
JIMMY Yeah, not
our style. Is this the sort of thing you were looking for?
ALEXA It
does feel like an evil genie has given it to me, but yes that was what I
was looking for. Anything else? Oh, yeah. The sponsor this week is my
grandma! Because we needed better sponsors than last week, and we’ve
agreed either that she can give $2 per joke, or $20 if we finish the
whole show! On to round one!
[Round one intertitle; Department of Conversation]
ALEXA And
now it’s the Department of Conversation round!
JIMMY We
dropped the titlecards?
ALEXA
Would you rather keep them?
JONNY Fair.
ALEXA
Question 1: One metre social distance, or two?
JIMMY Ten.
Forever, even when Covid goes away which is frankly never going to
happen. Next.
JONNY Oh, I see
how it is.
ALEXA
Question 2: Concert over zoom, or socially distanced when live?
JONNY Ask me
next week, based on what we have planned
JIMMY This is
what having a platform means. We can do these live because enough people
care now
ALEXA
Question 3: Shop locally, or on Amazon?
JONNY
Personally, I think the Amazon’s a long way away, so shopping locally
saves on fuel
JIMMY Not in
The Amazon. Just the global conglomerate.
JONNY Oh I have
a joke. Amazon will get an alcohol licence before it makes its own brand
of computer
ALEXA
What the hell are you on about?
JIMMY (Sigh) I
don’t even know what he’s got planned. But I’ll regret it
JONNY Because
of the space bar.
[Round two intertitle; Ministry of Stealth]
ALEXA We
sneaked up into the Ministry of Stealth round! I’ll give both questions
up front so that one person is at a distinct disadvantage if they go
first – and then nobody at all will get in touch to complain about it
afterwards. Seems fair to me.
JIMMY I’ll
definitely forget the topics
JONNY What
round is this even?
ALEXA Oh,
fine. Back to the old way it is. Question 1: Discuss what drugs the UK
and America are on, not able to use the word ‘insane’.
JIMMY We’ll
definitely need more context
JONNY And yet,
I fear none will be provided
JIMMY Context?
JONNY Seems
hypocritical to analyse other countries’ Covid responses while we’re
still in lockdown ourselves. Delta’s a bitch. But, being hypocritical
hasn’t ever stopped us before, so here goes. I just realised I don’t
know the names of the chemicals in the vaccines so I can’t list that as
drugs that the US and UK are not on. Which isn’t a good thing.
JIMMY You’re
never going to use the word ‘insane’ are you?
JONNY You.
You’re insane. Oh, fuck, I see what you did there.
ALEXA In
a manner of speaking. Except that Jonny actually wins that round
JIMMY Wait
what? What is this?
ALEXA You
used the word ‘insane’ before you even started speaking, so you actually
have a negative time. And at least Jonny’s time is positive
JIMMY His
attitude, not so much
JONNY Hey, now,
I’m not the one with the attitude on this question
ALEXA
That is a fair point, you have to admit
JIMMY No, I do
not. Reeeeee
ALEXA You
want a rematch, here you go; Question 2: Discuss the effect of streaming
sites on the film industry, and you must use the word parasite.
JIMMY Well,
someone clearly already has well-defined opinions of the film industry.
Are you asking me to call Scarlett Johansson a parasite? Because I won’t
do that. Streaming sites take advantage of literally everyone including
the content creators so I’m actually glad that cases have come up now to
highlight how deep the corruption in the film industry goes
JONNY I think
there was supposed to be a joke in there somewhere
JIMMY Don’t
worry, you’re up next
JONNY To tell
the joke? Or am I the joke?
JIMMY And I
just casually gave Jonny an existential crisis
ALEXA Or
you might have done if this were the clown college
JIMMY What is
this if it is not the clown college
JONNY I like
being able to watch movies from anywhere at any time. They are slightly
cash-grabby with all the different ones and their pricing
JIMMY Just
saying, piracy is a thing
JONNY Do what
you want cos a pirate is free
BOTH
(Together) You are a pirate!
BOTH
…
BOTH
Dammit, that didn’t use the phrase
JIMMY I thought
using the word pirate would end the round
ALEXA It
stops when you want it to
JONNY Oh, so
five minutes ago? I have other places to be, chop chop
ALEXA
Fine. Question 3: Discuss possible side-effects of a two week isolation
period
JIMMY Rest,
relaxation and a renewed hatred of your job? I don’t really see the
downside
ALEXA We
don’t have jobs, though
JONNY And we’d
have time to look in a two week isolation. Although it wouldn’t be
enough …
ALEXA Is
that both of your arguments for that bit?
JIMMY Yes,
otherwise we’d be saying that lockdown is bad, and … no. Won’t say that
JONNY But I
might not say anything else, either. That’s all I’m saying
ALEXA I
wish it was all you were saying
[Round three intertitle: Office of Bad Statistics]
ALEXA
Finally, it’s the Office of Bad Statistics round! We never did this one
last week, because we ran out of time. Because of someone.
JIMMY
(Simultaneous) It was him!
JONNY
(Simultaneous) It was him!
ALEXA
Whomever it was, we’re here now and we’re grateful
JIMMY Really? I
hadn’t noticed
ALEXA
This round is like higher or lower, where I give you a statistic and
then you tell me whether the criteria that follows on is higher or
lower.
JIMMY I think
we need an example
ALEXA
Okay. Jonny has interrupted me ten times in this recording session. Is
the number of days he has free in the next two months higher or lower
JIMMY Ah, so
this is a ‘this is the bottom of the barrel but we might as well
broadcast it’ round
ALEXA
What’s the answer though?
JIMMY I don’t
know? Higher, or at least I would hope so
JONNY Ayyyy,
you know it!
ALEXA He
has seven free days in the next two months. So the answer would be lower
JONNY Awww.
ALEXA You
got the points for that one, though
JONNY Hah! Suck
it
ALEXA
Seven I the number of free days Jonny has in the next two months, so how
many recordings will we do for this show?
JIMMY Lower?
That doesn’t seem like a higher or lower question. Also it’s just
blatant advertising
ALEXA
Yeah, well as Jonny is right to point out, this round was something I
thought of just before the recording started last time. I thought we
might be able to make it work
JONNY We don’t
even work, how would we make something else do it?
ALEXA
Fine, let’s just call this a draw and finish up then.
ALEXA
Seems like Jonny won that – although the real winner is Jess, who hasn’t
had as much of her time wasted by this crap as the rest of us
There’s a cut in the recording, which then returns
JONNY Well,
that’s it, I’m out – see you guys next week
ALEXA I
sense you’re already tired of the new format
JONNY I mean,
it’s alright. But so is colonoscopy
ALEXA
Noted, I’ll change it for next week
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Live shows next week … the breakdowns will be live for everyone to see …
my high school, basically
S2 E3 – Divertin’
Jimmy and Jonny Versus The World goes Live, in a decision that may
come back to haunt all people involved.
ALEXA
For the first time, we have a live audience!
JONNY
Not content with doing porn, Jimmy needs people to watch him even here
JIMMY
It’s not porn!
JONNY
Anyway, our sponsor this week is …
ALEXA
Jonny, are you trying to alienate them; lets wait a bit until it’s not
directly after a reference to pornography
JIMMY
You guys know we’re live, right?
JONNY
Yes, and the chat’s on fire
JIMMY
Ah yes, like a feline after a house accident
ALEXA
I would have thought being live would have calmed you down, but no, it
seems not
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host, and for the first time ever, we’re live!
JIMMY Actually
you’ve repeated that, so it would be the second time, I think
JONNY Do you?
Anyway, I’m Jonny, one of the hosts
JIMMY And I’m
Jimmy, the other one of the hosts. And that over there, for the first
time, is Alexa, a parasite.
ALEXA
Thanks for that introduction. Wrong in every way, but still thanks.
We’ll be live the next two weeks, and will explain why throughout the
show, but we may not get all the way through the format so we’ll just do
as much as we can in the time and then stop.
JIMMY I’m kind
of done with the panel show format
ALEXA Hi
‘kinda done with the panel show format’, I’m Alexa. I … can see what you
mean. Tell you what. How about for these next two that we do live, we do
comedy debates, best of three.
JIMMY Okay.
I’ll win both 3-0 though
JONNY Those are
fighting words
JIMMY Let’s
fight then
JONNY Those are
fighting words too
JIMMY Were you
born boring or did you have to work at it
JONNY Fine,
let’s get on with this so I can splatter you against the wall
ALEXA
Just a note, the chat’s going insane
JIMMY It’s not
the only one
ALEXA
Okay. Starting the actual thing … that we’re here for. This will be a
series of short debates which will be scored by me, essentially at
random.
JIMMY Sounds
like every other iteration of this format, so sounds good to me.
JONNY That’s
just because you’ll win
ALEXA
Debate 1: Discuss why subliminal messaging and advertising is hidden in
most media products these days.
JIMMY Who’s
‘for’ and who’s ‘against’?
JONNY I’m
‘against’ you
JIMMY So that
mean I’m ‘for’. Okay. If you think about it, subliminal messaging was
always hidden in products and advertising, it just wasn’t actively
weaponised by corporations like Amazon (the company, not the rainforest)
or Tesla (company, again, rather than the person); and then they use it
against the Amazon (rainforest this time) or the reputation of Nikola
Tesla as a concept. And then there’s the added issue with collecting and
using data – no matter what it’s used for the information is stored
somewhere and all it takes is one guy with a vengeance (as opposed to,
it turns out, everyone on the internet – or at least in Youtube
comments). So, yeah, the ‘subliminal messaging exists’ argument can be
made, but so could the argument that the concept of a Devil’s advocate
had Satanic overtones. Both comments would, most likely, be met with
some kind of reply like ‘no shit’.
JONNY So I
guess that means I’m supposed to counter that? Which is easy because
you’ve already compared the argument to the Devil, which is a losing
position in any case. But yeah, sometimes the curtains are just blue.
That’s the main throw of the argument, because a lot of people aren’t
smart enough to persuade through the art of subtext. Most people can’t
even manage it in ‘text’ so even if there’s subliminal messaging, most
of it should be ignored because of lack of substance.
JIMMY What,
like cocaine?
JONNY Trust me,
if the world’s problems were as a result of a lack of cocaine, we’d live
in a better world, I think
JIMMY That’s
just because you never tried it
JONNY To your
knowledge
JIMMY I’m
all-seeing so my knowledge is perfect, thank you very much
ALEXA You
guys done yet? I found Jonny’s argument better, so he wins that round
because I say so. Debate 2: Discuss why we recorded these shows live?
You’re not allowed to use the word ‘live’.
JIMMY As far as
I can tell, we did these shows … not-dead?… mostly because we don’t have
enough time to pre-record them, because of all the new work we’ve all
been getting. Which is good? I guess. And the audience fools us into
thinking we do this for other people who care and not at all simply
because if we didn’t do them then we wouldn’t express ourselves at all
JONNY As a
counterpoint to the ‘lack of subtext makes the world go round’ argument,
this show seems decent enough at subtext, if I may say so explicitly in
actual text myself. For example, we actually have enough of an audience
now that we can do these live – to say that it’s a good idea to do them
live is a whole separate thing
JIMMY Well, we
seem to be coping
JONNY With
lockdown, or just generally
JIMMY I meant
with doing these shows, although the fact that this podcast exists in
the first place is probably some form of mental health diagnosis in and
of itself
JONNY You need
a diagnosis? I didn’t even bother.
ALEXA
Wow, this is a light comedy show, people. Just to remind you. Because
you’ve forgotten, it seems. Debate 3: Who would you rather has your
data; Facebook or the old landline providers the way it used to be?
JIMMY It
doesn’t seem to matter who has the data, they will misuse it either
directly or indirectly, and obviously self-expression relates here.
Like, if self-expression wasn’t important, then all of these issues
would solve themselves, I guess. Although you do generally need to pay
attention to the expressions you make on the street, or people get
concerned. Or, indeed, the things you say on the internet. But the fact
that people want to put the information somewhere suggests that the data
being collected seems to be an occupational hazard at this point – much
like full-face-falling while wearing a VR headset.
JONNY Okay,
fine, that makes sense. But, as Devil’s Advocate ---
JIMMY Ooh,
Satan
JONNY -- Shut
up, this is my bit. Consider what life would be like if companies didn’t
collect your data. Peaceful, yes. But also far less convenient. Because
the base reason why they do it is to make overall use of their services
either easier, or possible in the first place. What I would say in
response is that there are ways to hide what you’re doing, even as they
collect your data. Like, has nobody ever thought even for a second about
how they might be able to send false data to these companies at such a
quantity that the whole argument could be voided in the first place?
Just seems like an odd thought that nobody who brings up these arguments
seems to have had
ALEXA
Well, it looks like that’s all we have time for this week. Jonny won
that last debate, by the way
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA So
that’s three done. And not a moment too soon.
JONNY No, it’s
three moments too soon.
JIMMY Next week
is live too, so I guess we’ll see you then.
JONNY And not
at all do any prep in between
JIMMY Well,
speak for yourself; because we deal with you, I have to do prep before
we go live
ALEXA
Interesting substitute for the word ‘cocaine’ there.
S2 E4 – Revertin’
In the second part of the live shows, the rails get even more
blurred …
ALEXA
Welcome back to the second part of the live shows.
JIMMY And
hopefully last
JONNY I
like this more than the previous format. Series one was less work
though, which was nice
ALEXA You
guys took a week off in that
JIMMY Oh,
you’re right. We should just leave. Let’s go
They get up from their seats, with a large amount of clattering
JONNY Oh, I
seem to have pressed a button by mista-
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. We seem to have had a slight technical hiccup where Jonny
hiccupped and water got everywhere on his mike.
JONNY Why’d you
need to tell people; they think I’m cool!
ALEXA The
chat is telling a different story, and we’ll have to kill this live
audience. Anyway … round table --
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’m a parasite off the host
JONNY And I’m
Jonny – same deal
ALEXA
Well, that certainly gave our live audience your names. By the way we’re
live. We’ll pick up back where we left off last time. Or something. But
first, the live shows that are sponsored by our Kickstarter campaign
where I just boot Jimmy until he pays for it.
JIMMY So just
like normal?
ALEXA
Like last time, I’ll give you guys a debate topic – someone will go
first, someone will present a counter argument and then there will be a
bar fight
JONNY Yeah
that’s definitely like normal
The live audience seems to like this
ALEXA
Debate 1: University during Covid, or Covid during University
JIMMY This
sounds like basically the trade-off that everyone was making at the
beginning; ‘do we close down and save people, or stay open and save
capitalism’. And guess which one they picked … also what kind of a
premise is ‘covid during university’. I’m assuming you refer to the idea
that staying open would let Covid get everywhere and how then obviously
everything would be fine. But the argument is slightly unclear
JONNY Or at
least it’s stupid. Even a best-case reading involves Government shirking
their responsibilities towards people and instead prioritising ‘things’.
Which is fine, if you’re an inanimate object. Which would mean Covid
wouldn’t affect you anyway
ALEXA You
guys haven’t taken opposite sides of an argument here
JONNY There
isn’t an argument here. Or at least one that makes any damn sense
JIMMY Wouldn’t
have thought I’d agree with him on much, but you’ve found a common area
The live audience seems to dislike this statement
ALEXA I
don’t like this, they might turn on me … quick, let’s do the next
question before you notice that’s what’s happening. Debate 2: For, or
Against? And can that perspective be manipulated by the question?
JIMMY I’ve said
it before, I’ll say it again, what the actual fuck are these questions.
ALEXA
Fine, I ran out of time to plan and wrote them in the car on the way
here
JESS
No, I wrote them, you just dictated them out
JIMMY So this
shit went through two brains and you guys still thought it was a good
idea?
JONNY Just
because two brains were involved doesn’t mean there were any actual
braincells to get in the way.
JIMMY Anyway,
seeing as I’m expected to monologue about nothing; I suppose I’m pro-For
and anti-Against? Although grey areas are often more useful and nicer
anyway.
JONNY And I
guess that makes me pro-Against. Nuance is certainly helpful, and the
question doesn’t really encourage it, but obviously the question and
it’s related biases will change how people respond to things.
JIMMY So often
it’s emotive wordings that get enthusiastic ‘YEAH’ responses, even if
the actual content is boring
ALEXA
Like the content of this discussion
JIMMY You posed
this question, so you don’t get a say
ALEXA I
do what I want, it’s my show
JONNY And what
you clearly want is to listen to two idiots agree on a topic, where that
topic is of no substance
JIMMY Did you
forget these shows were live?
ALEXA
Fine, fine, fine, I’ve been too busy with other work, okay? So I just
looked at the format and made the questions based on that
JIMMY And Jess
had nothing to say about that?
JESS
Well, I raised the concern, but … I don’t have time either. Because I
have a life, not because too many people want my attention
ALEXA No
people want your attention at all …
The live audience makes a disapproving sound relating to the most
recent statement.
ALEXA
Okay, fine. The audience seem more active than they were last week, so;
Debate 3: Which format is best, ask the audience, or answer the
audience?
JIMMY They’re
more active because we’re being more disappointing. And don’t you need
to do both? You have to ask the audience things to have answers to give
the audience. This is the most recent in a run of impressively shocking
questions
JONNY Reminds
me of university exams. I prefer answering the audience’s questions
because at least then it’s my turn to talk
ALEXA
Heaven forbid anyone else have a turn to speak
JIMMY You don’t
seem to need designated turns, you just interrupt everyone
ALEXA
Following the Ellen DisinGeneres model, yeah
JONNY I so
thought you were headed for Ellen DeGenerate, then you actually did a
proper joke
JIMMY
Personally, I find asking the audience more fulfilling because you can
hear what they’re actually saying
JESS
Of course you would, you have an actual personality, unlike the rest of
us
ALEXA
Well, this could be interesting, but I might take advantage of the fact
we finished early and go do other things
JIMMY It’ll
probably take the rest of the time to leave, what with the live audience
and all
JONNY It took
me like half an hour to leave the venue last week
ALEXA
That’s just because the traffic lights were broken, I checked
JONNY Oh! I
wondered why it was staying on orange
JIMMY Also you
know that orange isn’t an actual thing. Like, you can go
JONNY And die
in prison because of a stoplight?
ALEXA
Better than dying on a stream because of a gaslight
JESS
Shall we?
There’s a cut in the recording, which then returns
ALEXA
After six debates, what have we learnt?
JIMMY That we
all need to get a life. And better questions. And –
ALEXA
Yes, yes. Long list. Any ideas when the next session would be?
JONNY I’m not
free for the next two weeks, so I’m succeeding on that front
JIMMY Hey, hey
no need to brag
ALEXA So,
should we pre-record the next two at the same time?
JIMMY Sounds
like it, at least that way we’ll finish the series. We can think about
the future … in the future
JONNY Ah, a
fellow commitment-phobe
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA The
saddest thing is this is probably the best thing we’ve ever done
JIMMY What
other choices do we have?
JONNY Crying
ourselves to sleep?
JIMMY Fair
ALEXA I
rest my case, given the above discussion
S2 E5 – Improvisin’
Yet another format change sees the podcast trying something new.
Hopefully for the last time. Please.
JIMMY The
following program may contain adult content and strong language
JONNY Well,
yes. Given that it’s made by adults who go to the gym that seems likely
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JONNY Hello and
welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Jonny, and this is
Jimmy
JIMMY Present.
We’re tired and it’s only just starting. Not to mention, we’re sponsored
by The Sleepytimes Motel, which is probably convenient in the
circumstances. Or the beds are comfy, or something.
ALEXA
You’ve taken all my lines. I’m Alexa, and I’m normally in charge here,
but it seems like I might have been usurped.
JESS
I’m also here
ALEXA Oh
yes, we got Jess for this week and next week. We’ve got only a small
window of free time because for some reason everyone is really busy with
proper work
JONNY So we
thought we’d do the rest of the series in one go, and then release it in
two parts
JIMMY And at
least this will mean we actually finish the thing
ALEXA Not
that you’ve ever had that trouble before
JESS
Wow, I think we need the man alive to do the show, ma’am
ALEXA So,
the format for these is – stop playing dead, Jonny; wow, I sometimes say
that to the dog – there will be four sketches over the two shows we have
left, and someone will do a lead-in, then we’ll do the actual sketch,
then we’ll move on with our lives
JIMMY Cos we’re
far too busy to dwell on them now. If we even do a series after this, I
don’t know how we’ll do it. I have like a three hour slot in early
October, and that’s kind of it
ALEXA
What are you doing panicking about the future before we even start? This
isn’t Tinder … if it happens, it’ll happen
JONNY We await
the first sketch, ma’am
ALEXA Why
are you and Jess sat up straight like school … people
JESS
You were totally about to say schoolgirls
ALEXA
With the global Covid-19 pandemic stretching onwards through the Mobius
strip of time
JONNY Wait
what, Mobius strip?
ALEXA
Yeah, no matter how far you go, you end up back where you were at March
2020
JONNY Oh, true,
thanks for explaining the joke to me, ExplainerBot3000
ALEXA I’m
surprised you didn’t go for an Amazon joke, to be honest. I respect the
one you went with more, though. So, anway, global pandemic is showing no
signs of slowing down, like an octogenarian behind the wheel of a car
that goes faster than they think it does, schooling had to adapt to the
whims of adults
JONNY Just
saying, not for the first time. School shootings are a thing
ALEXA
Haven’t been for the last little while, but point taken. In fact, every
facet of public life had to adapt to the new reality of … no reality at
all … leading to, I would think, an interesting situation at this year’s
Olympics
JIMMY (Sports
Commentator voice) So we see here the competitors from New Zealand and
Australia in the world’s first round of Olympic Procrastination.
JONNY (Sports
Commentator voice) Which will start in juuuust a moment. Yes, the
players have had the ill-advised but seemingly mandatory cattle-prod
shocks, and the competitors have made their way to positions – well, one
has, we’re still waiting on the Australian candidate to get to the start
– and we’re off!
JESS
I’ll issue the reminder to finish their dedicated task in two minutes
from now, so keep an eye out for that
JIMMY (Sports
Commentator voice) Australia seems to be doing the vacuuming as a first
step, much as I would have thought that step 1 was getting rid of Covid
in the country. Also disappointing, given his prowess at avoiding the
start line, that he managed to start doing something so quickly
JONNY (Sports
Commentator voice) That would be one hell of a procrastination strat.
But you’re right, housework is very entry-level for a global event, and
the speed will cost him dearly
JIMMY (Sports
Commentator voice) New Zealand seems to have started with dusting the
skirting boards, a far more respectable choice. At the very least it
will take longer to finish. What’s this; Australia has sat down and
started learning German
JONNY (Sports
Commentator voice) New Zealand is just finishing up the dusting – and
now looks to be headed for the motorbike. This next bit should be good
JIMMY (Sports
Commentator voice) Australia seems to be progressing nicely with the
German lesson, which will surely be disappointing to all the Australian
viewers at home. New Zealand seems to have started doing wheelies in the
stadium, which is the sort of thing I like to see
JESS
At this point I would yell over a loud foghorn into the stadium; (Yells)
You now have two minutes to complete the assigned task!
JIMMY Explain,
please, how you were expecting anyone in the country to have missed that
announcement. And also, did you have an ear retailer in mind, that you
are currently doing advertising for? Because, ow …
JIMMY Also what
is the assigned task?
JESS
‘Be presentable for the general public’. Mostly because if the winner
isn’t presentable, they wouldn’t be eligible for the medal
JIMMY Right,
well it looks like New Zealand is almost dressed, but Australia’s almost
across the line. Has someone told Australia that thinking the problem is
solved is not the same as actually solving the problem?
JONNY Unlikely,
although the Video Referee has noticed something about the New Zealand
performance. Reviewing footage now … yes, it seems they were already
dressed under their starting costume.
JIMMY Hold on a
second, the Australian team is also raising red flags
JESS
What, in general?
JIMMY No, I
mean they seem to have identified marijuana on the athletes
JONNY That
would explain the erratic performance. So, the final score is two
disqualifications?
JESS
Yes, it seems we’ve wasted everyone’s time.
ALEXA
Wow, that was … weird. Who came up with that?
JIMMY Jonny, of
course. Who else would you expect to be weird?
ALEXA
Literally all of you. Next sketch?
JONNY With many
people scared about the impact or possible side-effects of Covid-19, the
world has had to use all the available resources at its disposal,
presumably including some that were reallocated from other places. I
like to think that the phone line help might have looked something like
this …
ALEXA
Have you tried switching it off and on again? Wait, I mean – have you
had a sleep. What about clearing the browser cache – I seem to have done
it again – have you been for a walk outside recently? I know the
Government said in the most recent forecast, to expect widespread
Covid-19 incidents earlier in the day, with isolated ones later on; but
that doesn’t mean it necessarily applies specifically to you. Have you
read the wiki post – places of interest page, sorry – to see if you’ve
been anywhere near them. Oh, you have? Well, I’ll escalate your request
with the Testing team, and pass this issue on for further review. What
do you mean ‘what do I do right now’, you stay inside and hope that this
whole thing comes back negative. Or go to an anti-lockdown protest or
something. Why do you want an update, it’s been literally five minutes.
Oh, it turns out your test has been processed, and … oh. I’ll send the
analysis of your error to the provided email address, in the form of a
stack trace. If you have any further questions, please don’t get in
touch. Have a good day!
JIMMY Wow, that
was … quite a thing …
JONNY That’s
one way of looking at it. The other way, is that Alexa looks like she’s
completely run out of breath.
JIMMY Oh, well,
if we keep talking for a bit, then she will have it back.
ALEXA No,
no, we’ll take a quick break and see you in a week. Well, for us it’s
going to be like ten minutes, but for you guys it’ll be a week. See you
then!
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JESS
So, what? We just do the next one straight after?
JIMMY Yes, just
wait for Alexa to recover from that monologue and then we do it all
again
JONNY It’ll be
like 10pm when we finish. Might start getting tired.
ALEXA Or
… I … might die for real. Phew, I think I’m back. We good to go, nice,
lets get started …
S2 E6 – Stabilisin’
In the final part of the current series, the cast get into the
swing of their comedy sketches, but out of the swing of staying awake.
ALEXA …
yeah that break really helped, I think I’m just about ready to …
Alexa’s dialogue dissolves into a coughing fit
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host
JIMMY I’m Jimmy
and I … exist
JONNY And I’m
Jonny, and I … want to sleep – at the Sleepytimes motel! Our sponsor for
this … thing
JESS
(Slightly tinny) I’m already asleep under the desk!
ALEXA
Jess, you might want to … not be. Or I can just not give you any lines?
Although the live audiences seem to like you, so that may get us
cancelled?
Alexa coughs once.
JIMMY So you’re
not getting any lines for a bit. Also please have water
ALEXA
Aww, that’s concern
JONNY Nah, we
just don’t want to be the people who killed a cast member live on air
ALEXA
I’ll take it
JESS
So … I guess that means I’m host now? We’ll do two sketches, same as
last week and so on
JONNY It would
have helped if you’d been out from under the desk
JESS
This is a pre-recorded session of a podcast where it’ll be edited and
waited for a week. Like fuck I’m getting dressed as well
JONNY Wait,
were you serious about the pyjamas thing?
JESS
Or I’m totally naked down here and you guys are just gonna have to guess
JIMMY Don’t say
things like that, the broadcast chat will explode
JESS
That’s what we want, isn’t it? If I have to lie to people to get there
then cool, right?
JIMMY Okay,
fine. Let’s get started with the sketches. I think I have one where
Alexa only needs to know two words …
JESS
As the Covid-19 pandemic rages on, with Governments increasingly unsure
of how to convince people to follow their directions, sometimes going to
extreme lengths to get people to comply
JIMMY The
Government made a new Tracer app. It tells you whether you need a test
or a vaccine. See, here
He fakes a cough
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Test!
JONNY Ooh, give
it to me
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Vaccine!
JONNY I didn’t
even start yet …
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Vaccine!
JONNY Geez,
fine shush
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Vaccine!
JIMMY Point it
at me, maybe it’ll stop
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Test!
JIMMY Oh no …
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Test!
JONNY We could
take the batteries out, maybe it’ll stop …
Sound FX of batteries slapping on a table. A beat of silence
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Test!
JIMMY It wasn’t
even pointed at me …
ALEXA
(robotic voice) Vaccine!
JONNY It must
have moved … I wonder what happens if we just leave it face down
JIMMY Okay, at
least we can agree on that …
JESS
(bad French accent) One hour later …
JIMMY How’s the
phone doing?
JONNY Fine, I
think. Haven’t heard it make any noise in a while
JIMMY We should
just check on it
Sound FX of a phone being turned over
JESS
(faintly) 911, what’s your emergency?
ALEXA
(loud) VACCINE VACCINE VACCINE!
JIMMY Well
that’s unsettling
Sound FX of faint sirens in the distance
JIMMY Oh, fuck
…
JESS
Well, that was a nice first sketch
JIMMY Which is
definitely over, and thank God for that
JONNY Although
it has rather plainly exposed your thoughts on the Governmental Covid
response
ALEXA In
fairness, we haven’t had thoughts about much else in like a year
JONNY Why else
do you think we’re so busy now. Gotta fill the void with something
JESS
Pointless approval of strangers
JIMMY They give
us a platform, and …
JESS
Essentially a corporate overlord, sounds like
JIMMY Except
that they pay our wages, so we love them, obviously
JONNY We should
move on to the last sketch of the series
ALEXA
Yeah, this discussion isn’t getting anywhere
JIMMY With
fame, or at least temporary relevance, becoming easier and easier to
achieve and, the online internet sphere prepared to give it to anyone
even vaguely willing to pay the price for it, it must seem to outsiders
like …
JONNY Wow, this
intro is convoluted. Makes you wonder what he’s set up …
ALEXA
Wonder? Or dread …
JIMMY Wow, way
to interrupt the flow. It’s basically a shop sketch …
JONNY Wow, why
was the monologue such a mess, then?
JIMMY Mess? It
was basically fine?
JONNY Wait,
what were we even talking about
JESS
Ah, I think we started this session tired, and that’s where we went
wrong
JIMMY Doing
this podcast in the first place was the mistake
JESS
… I did tell you guys that at the start. Anyway, on to the sketch
Sound FX of a shop doorbell ringing
JIMMY Hi, how
can I help?
JONNY I have
this press conference on Thursday and I don’t want to go
JIMMY No, no,
Jonny – in character
JONNY Oh,
right. I’d like to buy some fame please
JIMMY Sure,
that just costs one ‘waiting an hour in traffic outside the venues of
places you go that wouldn’t be there if you hadn’t gone to the place’
JONNY Oh that
doesn’t sound too bad, but is there a model that’s easier to manage?
JIMMY I can do
something about the fans?
JONNY Oh, like
what? Murder?
JIMMY No, if we
just make the thing you’re famous for something that only 12 people
actually watch, then it solves the problem
JONNY Then
what’s the point of the fame?
JIMMY The way
we tell people to look at it, is that theoretical recognition is better
than no recognition at all
JONNY I imagine
that earns you a lot of money, people probably eat that up
JIMMY What if I
want to have recognition when I want it, but not when I don’t
JONNY Oh, in
that case, I could recommend this
JIMMY …
JIMMY This is a
generic white man face mask
JONNY You’re a
generic white man, so I don’t see the issue
JIMMY Hey, hey,
the issue is that it doesn’t help
JONNY I don’t
know if you’ve been paying attention, but neither do I
JIMMY Do you
want to fight? I just want fame that is perfect
JONNY Doesn’t
exist, I’d buy the mask and get on with your groceries
JIMMY But I
don’t want to wear a mask!
JONNY Ah, the
problem of so many modern men …
JIMMY Right,
you asked for this; a fight to the death
There’s a thump noise, and then a cut in the recording, which then
returns
JIMMY I was
joking, you didn’t need to punch me … ow ….
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA Well, I wasn’t
expecting an actual fistfight. Anyway, we’ll be back when we can,
probably sometime before Christmas? Whenever the people are next
available, we have a thing we can do, but I’m not sure exactly when that
will be. Probably more character based, or improvised – or just improved
and with some character; who knows? So … see you around, I guess …
Alexa’s broadcast dissolves into yet another coughing fit.
ALEXA Oh fuck, here we go
again …
S3 E1 – Packin’
The much-hyped podcast returns for the final time – but this time
there’s a twist …
ALEXA You
arrive at the chambers of the council in a town called Waterdeep. It’s a
tall, circular room, with a domed room supported by pillars, where you
can see clear signs of water damage up to about the six foot mark. You
walk into the middle of a circle of twelve elders, each wearing robes of
different colours; they stare silently, judging. A clerk alerts them
that the people they had summoned have arrived. What does the party do?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. We’ve decided to do something a little different this
series (as if we’ve ever stayed the same for long), and play a short
Dungeons and Dragons campaign. I’ll be the Game Master – and I’ll
quickly introduce you to the players.
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’ll play as a Neutral Good Dwarf cleric called Dwyfol.
JONNY I’m
Jonny, and my character is a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Rogue called
Klagen.
JESS
I’m Jess – here for the whole series this time – and I’ll play a Chaotic
Good Tiefling Warlock called Crow. Don’t quite know what all that means,
but I’m excited
ALEXA
This is a role-playing format where we (and some dice rolls) decide what
to do. Each character has pre-determined abilities which may come to be
useful in encounters – the points in the game where decisions are made,
or actions are taken.
JIMMY Alexa’s
descriptions will either guide us through the story or put us to sleep.
Speaking of, our sponsor this week is a recurring favourite – the
Sleepytimes Motel! So a shoutout to them!
JONNY Hopefully
the first one, likely the second, and I pray that you’ll only go to
sleep after the session is over. We’re doing the series this way because
we all have no time. Too busy with actual film work and stuff to sit
still for anything approaching the correct amount of time.
ALEXA So
we’ll do them all in one sitting, then split it up into 6 parts later.
Oh, and the last thing; the sponsor this week is Aperture Films, a
company who’s motto is that a film being visible is very much an
optional extra – not a great ad, now I think of it. Now, as I said at
the start, what does the party do?
JONNY I ask the
council to tell us why they summoned us
ALEXA The
oldest councillor in the room replies that the fame and reputation of
the adventuring party were enough to pull them out of retirement from
previous adventuring, and that they were needed to help restore peace to
the city. They revealed they were facing a threat of the Cult of the
Dragon; a cult of extremist monks that devoted their lives to bringing
dragons back into the Sword Coast. Their lair is not far from Waterdeep,
so these guys would be the first affected.
JIMMY I ask the
council why they haven’t prayed for a resolution
ALEXA The
council all pipe up with different suggestions at the same time, and it
becomes clear that this is a council of people who are working in a
team, but not working as a team
JONNY How about
this then – it’s within your interest to agree on a common goal, because
without unity, the cult will overrun us, and then where will we be?
ALEXA I’m
going to need a Persuasion check for that.
JESS
Wait what does that –
ALEXA
There’s some numbers down the middle of the character sheet – they
expand your core stats and relate to it. Persuasion relates to the
Charisma modifier, I think …
JESS
Ah yeah, so there’s Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence,
Wisdom, Charisma stuff and then subsets of that below. Ah yeah, I get
that. And then I roll a … which dice?
ALEXA 20
sided
JONNY That’s a
16
ALEXA The
council hear what you’re saying and there are murmurs of agreement,
until anyone thinks about it for too long – so after about a minute the
unified front starts to crumble with mumblings of dissent; ‘no, that’s
not how we do it in our culture’, and ‘my God wouldn’t agree with that’
and other such things
JONNY Seems
they can’t agree on a God. Okay
JESS
So we, what? Use it against them?
JONNY Oh! Like
saying ‘your God would want dominance over all life forms, and defeating
this cult is one step closer to that dominion’?
JESS
I – uh, yeah? I guess? Seems a bit hypocritical, though
ALEXA If
you want to do that, can I get a religion check from whomever wanted it?
JIMMY I’ll take
it … a 10
ALEXA
Ooh, lucky. Meeting it is beating it so that succeeds
JESS
Meeting?
JIMMY Most
normal checks using a 20-side dice need to be 10 or higher to succeed,
and lower than 10 fails. The Game Master can decide what roll is needed
to be successful based on the task that they want to achieve
JESS
Ah yup
ALEXA The
councillors hear you talking amongst yourselves, even though they can’t
quite make out what you’re saying, and eventually one of them, a small
older guy wearing a purple hood – whatever that means, you’re still not
quite sure – says ‘okay I think we know what we need you to do. We need
you to find out what the cult is planning, what they’re up to and where
they get their information from’. Then Klagen gets given a piece of
paper with some details on it.
JONNY O-kay?
Why do you need professional questers to do it? Just send someone in
yourself?
JIMMY Or we
could convert them to the correct religion …
ALEXA
That comment starts the councillors bickering amongst themselves again,
and the party turns to look at Dwyfol. Yeah, you don’t need to roll for
the religion again, mostly because you’re not trying to achieve anything
JESS
What! We were nearly done here. What did you do that for?
JIMMY I have a
Wisdom of 5, I know what I’m doing.
JONNY … And
your intelligence stat?
JIMMY Like 17.
So he just says; ‘Oh, but that’s the master stroke. We’d be here for
ages because bureaucracy, you know. So let’s just …’ And then I scuttle
backwards out of the meeting chamber
JONNY We
follow, closing the large oak door behind us and leaving the council to
its bickering
JESS
So we just go and do it anyway?
JIMMY Just like
old times, yeah.
JONNY But we
don’t know where we’re going
ALEXA Can
I get a perception check from everyone?
JESS
Just passive perception? Is that the big number up the top?
ALEXA
Yeah
JESS
13.
JIMMY 16.
JONNY 10. Oh,
well at least we’re starting on a good note …
ALEXA
Meeting it is beating it, so that’s fine with me. As you walk out,
Dwyfol spots a map on the wall …
JIMMY Can I rip
it out of whatever frame it’s in?
ALEXA
Uhhhh, that would be a dexterity saving throw
JIMMY 2. Oh,
fuck.
ALEXA
Gotta look on the bright side, at least it wasn’t a natural one. You
manage to get the map out of the frame, but the frame falls off the wall
and makes a loud noise which alerts the guards. Also the map is not
quite torn in two, but it’s certainly a jigsaw now. Can I have a
charisma save, to see whether the guards respond?
JIMMY A natural
20. So I just smile and wave
ALEXA
They look up, see that it’s you, and that you’re smiling at them like
you’re supposed to be there. And they know it’s you, and your history.
They give you looks like … they know who you are, but they don’t want to
be awkward and ask for autographs, but also you have just stolen a
painting. Remember, these people have only heard of you in stories. So
they just awkwardly wave back, then carry on with their business, and
assume that you know what you’re doing
JIMMY Which I
absolutely do, at all times, obviously
ALEXA So
you make it out of the building and into the streets of Waterdeep where,
already, rumours are spreading of the Council sending adventurers into
battle against the Cult. You hear both that the adventurers are brave
and powerful, and that they won’t last the week. You also hear the
locals talking about the nature of threat posed by the cult as a whole,
and that any person could be a member.
JONNY I look at
the map.
ALEXA Can
I have an insight check with disadvantage?
JONNY 15, and …
4. Oh …
ALEXA You
might be able to get something out of it one day, but the tears are too
much to be able to use it without spreading it out on a table. What does
the party do now?
JESS
We should rest up
JONNY Yeah,
make absolutely sure that everything’s full before we move on
JIMMY Sure, it
can wait till tomorrow, right?
JESS
But we know where we’re going
JONNY Yeah, to
the inn
JESS
No, I mean – do we know how to get out of the city?
JONNY We have a
map. I vote we worry about that later. But for now we sleep.
JIMMY I think
I’ll fix the map in the long rest so that it’s actually useful
ALEXA
Sounds good, but that does mean that you won’t heal during this round
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY Cool, so
that’s it for the session? Alexa, DM us out of here.
ALEXA Out
of the safety of the village into the wilderness, houses and roads give
way to trees and … more trees. As the noise of people going about their
business is overtaken by the sound of birds going about theirs, the
party consults the map and notes the long journey ahead. You guys find
an enclave within the trees and settle in for the night. And this is
where we’ll stop the session, so everyone take a long rest and level up.
S3 E2 – Trackin’
With the party setting out on an adventure, how much bad luck can
one member take when it’s life or death?
ALEXA
Previously in Waterdeep, you were summoned to a meeting, where the
council declared that you as an adventuring party were prophesized to
save the world, then sent you out on a quest with nothing but a badly
torn map. You finished up resting in the woods before beginning the
proper leg of the journey. What does the party do next?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. We’ve decided to do something a little different this
series, and play DnD. I’ll be the Game Master – and I’ll quickly
introduce everyone, just for clarity, such as it is
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’ll play as a dwarf cleric called Dwyfol. Level 4, now.
JONNY I’m
Jonny, and my character is a Tiefling Rogue called Klagen. Just levelled
up, too.
JESS
I’m Jess, and I’ll play a Tiefling Warlock called Crow. Same level as
them, but with more screaming, both internal and external.
ALEXA
Nice, some quick sponsor announcements – this week is sponsored by Fast
Food, food so good you only eat it after a 15 hour fast. Anyway, let’s
begin. So, we’ve already done the recap, so here we go. What does
the party do?
JIMMY We’re
only just leaving town so, I look around at Waterdeep to take note of
all the stuff that’s around so that we’ll know where to come back to for
the council
ALEXA
Cool, a perception check please
JIMMY I thought
this would be uncontroversial?
ALEXA
It’s my game, maybe you missed something as you walked through before?
Or I just want you to suffer?
JIMMY … and
it’s our first Natural 1
ALL
Oohh! Shit!
ALEXA You
must’ve been walking through town quickly before meeting with the
council, so you look around and you don’t seem to notice any changes.
You push the party onwards as time is of the essence, so nobody has that
much time to stand around. You wonder about the name Waterdeep for a
second, and why a town might be called that – but you think no more of
it and move on
JIMMY They
wanted us to look into this because of our reputation, but did they
actually say what the goal was?
JONNY Yeah,
there was a note with one of the councillors, I grabbed it while they
were bickering, remember?
JIMMY Oh,
right, what was on it?
ALEXA
Klagen can I get an Investigation check, with advantage because the
document is in your hand, and you remembered about it from before the
break?
JONNY It … is a
1. Again. The dice must hate us today.
ALEXA
It’s a briefing that’s like a page long and has ‘the Cult of Dragons’ at
the top. You can see on the back that there’s a map which covers the
same area as the map you stole from the council, and the route you need
to take is marked properly
JIMMY So we
were given a better map for free than the one we stole?
ALEXA The
‘Natural’ part of a Natural one has to mean something, you know
JESS
Wait, so how do dice rolls work?
ALEXA So
there’s natural 1 and natural 20, like the highest and lowest possible
rolls on a 20 sided dice. And if you get a 1, it normally means a
disadvantage of some kind, and a natural 20 means an advantage or some
kind; these are normally GM-provided and just elements of the
description. So like the thing where they had the map but it turned out
they’d doubled up.
JESS
Ah yup. And, advantage?
ALEXA
Advantage and disadvantage mean you roll twice, and keep the higher of
the two if it’s advantage, and the lower if it’s disadvantage.
JESS
Right
ALEXA So
the party looks at the briefing which has like a short dossier of the
party’s mission and then a marked map, and then it sets off for the day
because it looks like there’s a village called Daggerford which is about
half a day away when heading down the main road between the cities on
the east coast
JIMMY Okay, so
we start to walk
ALEXA Can
I get survival checks from everyone?
JIMMY 12
JONNY 16
JESS
4
JONNY Ooh! That
sucks. The dice aren’t being too kind to you …
ALEXA
Dwyfol and Klagen manage to make it to the riverside town, and Alexa …
needs to make a nature check
JESS
… Oh. An 8. Does this mean I’m going to die?
ALEXA
Uhhh, no, all that means is that you trip over an exposed tree root and
graze your knee. That would be one point of force damage
JESS
Well, I’m sorry guys
JIMMY Don’t
worry, we haven’t even started yet
ALEXA So,
anyway, you get to Daggerford, which is where you could either carry on
through the road, or a more direct route (although not the one on the
map) up a river that joins the ocean near to the town
JONNY Is there
a boat vendor, or something to make the ‘up the river’ option viable?
ALEXA
Yes, there is, would that be something you’d want to do?
JIMMY We’d want
the more direct route, right?
JONNY Yeah, I
think that would be faster
JESS
Might I die faster though?
JONNY We’ll
protect you, don’t worry. And the dice treat us the same
JIMMY God’s an
indifferent bitch
ALEXA So,
boat?
JONNY Yes,
seems to be
ALEXA The
boat vendor looks at you funny, like no sane person would be attempting
to paddle up the river at this time of year, but he doesn’t actually
stop you. “You know, there didn’t used to be a river there,” he says.
“The glacier in the mountains is melting so there might be landslips and
stuff. Just be careful”. You set off after a long rest
JIMMY Cos we
know what we’re doing … Oh, fuck it’s about to get real isn’t it
JONNY Why would
he look at us funny if it wasn’t about to be a mess
JESS
Wait, so I get the health back, right?
ALEXA
Yeah. What does the party do now? Also it only gets real when I pull a
drawn map out and put tokens on it
JIMMY We head
up the river inland
JONNY Using the
boat
ALEXA You
get to the source of the river after about a day worth of travelling, so
… actually you know what, for this whole next bit after every few
actions I’ll need a Survival check from everyone
JIMMY Because
you want us to suffer
JONNY No, as a
Game Master, she gets off on watching people roll dice
JESS
Do I need to kink-shame you for that?
ALEXA
Well, you do whatever you like – so long as you roll the dice while you
do it
JESS
Fine. 6. Oh, fuck, not again
JIMMY 10. Well,
that was close
JONNY 17.
That’s what I thought
ALEXA
Okay, so … lets see what happens here … you travel until the beginning
of dusk and the party decides to find a place to camp for the night.
Dwyfol and Klagen make it to the party’s intended encampment unharmed,
and immediately after arriving, they realise that Crow has been left
behind. Heading back along the route walked previously, they find Crow
about five minutes behind, in a staring match with an alligator
JONNY Oh, I
should have known there would be alligators around these parts
JIMMY Yeah, the
vendor was very helpful with warning us and everything
JESS
That’s all very well, but what the hell am I going to do now
JIMMY Okay,
step one, can we reason with them?
ALEXA
With an alligator?
JONNY I don’t
see the problem. We should always try diplomacy
ALEXA
With an alligator??
JIMMY I try to
tame it
ALEXA
With an alligator??? Oh all right, fine. An animal handling check
JIMMY Ehh, not
too bad, just … a NATURAL 20!
JONNY Ayyy!
JESS
Wow, nice!
ALEXA
Okay, so … this was supposed to be an encounter but you idiots have
side-stepped it completely so let’s just … you know what – in combat
encounters we can do the thing where you guys describe your victory, and
this was supposed to be a combat encounter, so how do you want to do
this?
JIMMY I lean
down and find in my pack the rations that I started the campaign with,
then hold it out for the gator. Pacified and eating, the gator moves out
of the way
JONNY I run
around behind and grab Crow out of the way
JESS
I keep running back to the camp
JIMMY Do you
thing we should try and distract it more?
JONNY Probably
a good idea
JIMMY I cast
‘Minor Illusion’ and create the sound of a large crocodile heading
towards the gator from the encampment
ALEXA It
scuttles in the opposite direction, so away. Which is about as soundly a
finish as I’d wanted, but I had expected you to fight
JIMMY We head
back up to the encampment
JONNY Speak for
me again and I’ll end you
ALEXA
Fine, what do you do, Klagen?
JONNY I head
back up to the encampment. Look, I may be one of the sheeple, but I
don’t need you to tell me so
ALEXA You
camp for the night, which amounts to a long rest. Which you were
going to have needed …
JONNY Someone’s
salty
ALEXA
When you awaken ... survival checks?
JIMMY 14
JONNY A Natural
1. Oh no. At least my plus 3 modifier means it’s not a huge issue.
JESS
Natural 20! Oh my God, my first one
JIMMY Leave me
to my fate … you two deserve nice things, not compared to me
ALEXA
It’s all good, but can I have a wisdom saving throw with disdvantage,
Dwyfol?
JIMMY I have
low wisdom … but sure … uh, that’s a – oh! A 15, and – a 13. Phew
ALEXA
Fine, you can live. As you get up you nearly put your foot in a snake,
but see the stripes and notice that it’s venomous before putting your
foot down. You trip over, but it’s so much better than it might have
been
JIMMY Then we
keep travelling?
ALEXA
Yeah, you keep going for the majority of the following day – which
passes without incident -- until just as the sun starts to set and you
see torchlights in the distance, and it looks like a civilisation or
something. You notice guards stationed around a wall encasing a small to
medium size village
JIMMY Can we
have a place to sleep? It’s gonna be dark and I don’t want to fight away
any more gators
ALEXA And
the last survival check to make sure you all get there okay
JIMMY 4, and
that’s including the +2 survival modifier
JONNY 3. Oh no.
JESS
11. That’s … not great
ALEXA
Better than the other two. So you get to the town and the two men are
extremely dehydrated and in need of help. The guards look impassively on
as you approach. And that’s where we’ll finish up for today. Or at
least, we need a break now
JIMMY Awwww
JONNY What do
you mean – we’ll keep going after we’ve got more drinks
Jonny reaches across and presses the title sequence button
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JONNY Sweet
that’s two down, Alexa, DM us out of here.
ALEXA The
party approaches the village and all seems to have been saved, but then!
The guards you can see stationed at the top of the turrets all the way
around the city, but most noticeably the ones looking down at you
directly from above, seem to be pointing arrows at you. “Not one more
step until you prove that you’re genuine”, you hear a guard yell. How
does the party react?
S3 E3 – Slackin’
With guards and guns pointed at them, the party must act fast to
ensure their survival …
ALEXA
Previously on your quest, you arrived at Dragonspear, to a less than
favourable reception. After surviving weeks of perilous trekking through
the cold, dark forest, you face yet one more task 00 not getting killed
by hostile militia. How will the party get out of this?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. We’ve decided to do something a little different this
series, and play DnD. I’ll be the Game Master – and I’ll quickly
introduce you to the players.
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’ll play as a dwarf cleric called Dwyfol.
JONNY I’m
Jonny, and my character is a Tiefling Rogue called Klagen.
JESS
I’m Jess – here for the time being – and I’ll play a Tiefling Warlock
called Crow.
ALEXA
Quick sponsor announcement before we begin – this week is sponsored by
Aperture films, films so poorly lit you can just make up the plot
yourself and as long as it fits the dialogue then surely that’s fine.
Let’s get started. Quickly, before they sue.
JIMMY I call
out to the guards and ask them for a truce
ALEXA
They call back “Give us proof we can trust you”
JIMMY I yell
out “The Cult of Dragons”
ALEXA
Roll either persuasion or deception, whichever you want – but you have
to tell us which
JIMMY I’ll go
persuasion because that was the truth! So distrustful, even with
information you literally just gave us. Rolling a … All up, that would
be a 17
ALEXA The
guards squint for a minute then one by one the guns are lowered. “There
were rumours someone was coming, but we weren’t sure to believe them,”
comes the call
JIMMY Well, you
better believe in us. We came out of retirement specially for this …
ALEXA
Another pause for more squinting, and the guards yell back “Oh my God,
we’ve heard of your past exploits, freeing Neverwinter from its fascist
rule was a good one!”
JONNY “Glad you
liked it, we’re here to tackle more dictatorship!”
ALEXA The
guard, who can clearly see you now as you’ve reached, like, you’re at
the gates now. You’ve arrived. He looks confused, then offended; “I run
my town with honour and democracy.”
JESS
Oh! No, we meant the Cult
ALEXA A
persuasion roll, please?
JESS
It’s a … oh no … a 3
ALEXA The
guards look at you disbelievingly, but won’t let the chief’s pride get
in the way of you guys beating the Cult. Eventually, after a bit of
whispering, one of the guards leaves his turret and comes down, and you
see him open a drawbridge and let you inside. They pull it back up again
as soon as the party are inside.
JONNY I ask one
of the guards, “Have you been under attack?”
ALEXA Not
yet, but we have heard it in other villages, we assume it’s only a
matter of time before it gets here
JONNY So you
want this dealt with quickly then?
ALEXA “If
possible … although …” and he looks you up and down “… you were taller
in your tales”
JIMMY In
fairness I am a gnome
JESS
Shh, shh he didn’t mean you
ALEXA The
guards have led you to a tavern, as you were walking through the
village, and they’ve given you rooms for however long you wish to stay –
on the proviso that you leave within the week. You get the feeling that
this is very much a contract, and they have no value for you sitting in
their tavern – no matter how much beer you drink
JIMMY And now
we rest
ALEXA
Yes, now the party takes a long rest. But in the morning, the
townspeople reveal to you a secret that they had been holding back –
they have a high up member of the cult being held hostage; Varram the
White
JONNY So, are
we being asked to interrogate this person we want dead – or are being
asked to en-deaden him?
ALEXA The
guards implore you to use your best judgement, but to fight only if it
is necessary. You are surely skilled enough at negotiating that conflict
is not immediately necessary
JESS
So what preparations would we make?
JIMMY Well,
we’re fully rested, so – do we know where he’s being kept?
ALEXA
Investigation check, please?
JIMMY A 4, I’m
afraid
ALEXA So
you have to wait until they’ve finished explaining the task to you,
until you admit that because you were so tired last night, the locations
of any buildings except where you bed is are foreign to you. The guards
look disappointed, like you’d been built up in the tales told about you,
and you weren’t living up to the hype
JONNY Wow, now
I just feel called out
ALEXA In
fact, I’ll roll deception for the guard, so you know what, roll an …
insight check against the guard who’s checking whether you might be
lying about who you said you were
JIMMY Okay,
fuck, he hates us hates us. A 3 for the insight
ALEXA
Hah! I rolled a 19. So he definitely think you’re hiding something and
now even you yourself are not convinced
JIMMY … Just
trust me okay? I’m a man of God …?
ALEXA Is
that the line you want to go down?
JIMMY Sure, why
not
ALEXA Can
I get a religion check, then?
JIMMY It’s a …
oh, fuck. Natural 1
JONNY Quick,
someone take the dice off Jimmy, he’ll get us killed …
JESS
Yeah, maybe you can borrow mine?
JIMMY Might be
a good idea
JONNY If you
get us one more low roll, then it’s happening
ALEXA He
doesn’t believe you and doesn’t want to hear any more of your bullshit.
“The town has a job for you to do. If you weren’t paying attention, that
may cast you into disrepute.” He leads to you to the prison where the
cultist is being kept. But he’s not happy about it
JONNY Has the
man-crush been successfully shattered?
JESS
I think we’d rather it be intact
ALEXA So
you follow him into the Keep of this castle town and into a room with no
windows, there’s a small battered door off this room, and this is where
the guard leaves you. As he exits, you all hear him mutter ‘celebrities
…’
JESS
We go inside
JIMMY Yeah, no
complaints
JONNY Sure,
maybe you shouldn’t go first though … oh nevermind, she’s done it
already
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JESS
Alexa, you know the drill.
ALEXA The
party enter the negotiating chamber, and hear a voice ‘ah, I wondered if
I’d see you here’. They do not recognise the voice, and the visage of
the person speaking is obscured as your eyes are still adjusting to the
dim light. After a minute you can see that it’s a man in a purple robe,
not dissimilar to that of the Council. He looks at you with disgust.
“Hah! More adventurers! Must I paint these walls with your blood also?”
And I’m going to need you to roll initiative.
JESS
Wait, that’s new, is that a thing? Are we fighting or something? Oh, no.
I’ve messed up, haven’t I?
JIMMY We’ll
protect you, we did it last time. Or at least I will, standing opposite
you should help
JONNY I put an
arrow in my bow
ALEXA
Yeah, yeah, we’ll deal with the preparation actions after we get back
from the break. And thanks, guys, for totally ruining the cliffhanger
S3 E4 – Ransackin’
The reputation of the party comes back to haunt them, but will the
forces of evil finally finish them off?
ALEXA
Previously, now in Dragonspear, you negotiated with the guards and got
them to lower their weapons by promising them that you were trying to
destroy the cult that’s been causing them trouble. They let you into
town where you restock on supplies and have a rest. In the middle of the
night, you’re ushered into an interrogation room where a
seeing-ex-councilman is waiting for you. You surround him in a triangle
pattern, so that Crow and Dwyfol are opposite each other, and he seems
unreasonable, threatening an attack, meaning an initiative roll from the
whole party.
FX
Cheesy dun-dun-duuuun sound effect
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. After all the format changes, we’ve tried to keep it
consistent this series, and mostly succeeded. This series will be a
short Dungeons and Dragons campaign, and I’ll be the Game Master. This
session we might as well introduce ourselves with how much HP we have …
somewhere between not much and none at all, probably. So ...
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’ll play as a dwarf cleric called Dwyfol. Seems to have a
stick up his butt. 26 HP.
JONNY I’m
Jonny, and my character is a Tiefling Rogue called Klagen. Seems to have
a stick in his hand. 23 HP at this level, which seems not ideal.
JESS
I’m Jess, and I play a Tiefling Warlock called Crow. To be honest, I
can’t seem to stick to the plan … oh, I have 18 HP.
ALEXA
Awesome. The sponsor for this session is Fast Food – at least it’s
better than shit. That was what it said on the card, even though it
probably shouldn’t have … anyway, let’s get started. The party had just
rolled initiative before the break
JIMMY A 15
JONNY 9 for me
JESS
16 this time
ALEXA
I’ll just quickly roll for Varram – a 5. Okay … so, he was expecting you
and you guys seem to have been expecting a trap, so lets just get
started; Dwyfol?
JIMMY I cast
spiritual weapon at Level 2, and this big … mace, yes a mace, shows up
over Varram’s right shoulder, ready to smack him.
ALEXA Any
bonus action? Movement?
JIMMY I hit him
with my shortsword … 16? And the room is tiny, so we’re already in a
triangle around him so that some of us have advantage, thats probably
just about the best case
ALEXA The
sword strike hits him, and he seems winded
JIMMY So that’s
6 force damage
ALEXA
Nice, Klagen?
JONNY I try to
hit him with my rapier, and use sneak attack because Crow and I are
flanking him, so we both have advantage
ALEXA
Cool. Roll for damage, and the attack – adding your extra 2d6
JONNY 17 for
the attack, and 8 total for the damage
ALEXA You
can start to see he’s bleeding from the wounds, but it isn’t slowing him
down yet. So, Crow; this is your first combat round – you get a movement
up to your movement distance which is 30 feet, an action, and a bonus
action
JESS
Okay, so it seemed like it helped when I was here, so I’ll stay put and
use something like a greatclub, because he’s just right next to me?
ALEXA
Yeah that sounds good. So roll for the attack and then the damage if it
hits. Remember you have advantage, so you roll twice on the attack roll
and take the best one
JESS
So for the attack, a 7 and 15 – so 15, which hits. And then, 5 for
damage.
ALEXA
Varram’s quite close to bloodied now, because of the three attacks you
can start to see his eyes glazing over and his shirt is becoming redder
by the second. He can still attack, though. On his turn; he uses
fireball on … everyone, in this room. Twenty foot sphere. So I need a
dexterity saving throw from everyone
JESS
Bloodied?
ALEXA
Half health. Means you’re headed the right way
JIMMY 4. Well
that’s …
JONNY 7. Yup,
we’re in it now, lads
JESS
6. Oh …
ALEXA So
all of you take 15 fire damage from that. Succeeding on the save would
have halved the damage. That was 4d6, by the way
JESS
Help … Only got 3 HP left …
JONNY Yeah I’ve
got 8 health left. Hopefully we get him before his next turn
ALEXA
Dwyfol, you’re up
JIMMY I use the
spiritual weapon, which is a mace, by the way, that I couldn’t use last
turn – and I attack. So it like rotates on its axis and just … bonk
ALEXA
Roll for attack, and damage if it’s good
JIMMY A 13 for
attack, damage is 1d8 plus the spellcasting modifier – so Wisdom which
is a plus 2 … so 8 total
ALEXA
Yeah, that hits, but only just, so he’s now got like a quarter health
left
JIMMY People
don’t normally say how much health …
JONNY It’s for
the new people, c’mon. For my attack, Klagen will use sneak attack again
and use the rapier. So, I roll a … 3. Fuck. Can I try to negotiate with
him?
ALEXA You
can certainly try
JONNY If you
give us the information we need, we won’t kill you
ALEXA (as
Varram) Seems like you’re struggling to kill me as it is. Our cause will
reign supreme! They won’t let you live once they’re in charge, you’re
different from them …
JONNY Why did
you betray the council? And, yeah, yeah, we know …
ALEXA
Roll a persuasion check
JONNY 9.
ALEXA He
doesn’t answer your questions and just laughs. “You think I’ll play
along with fools like you. You will be humiliated and disgraced!” So,
that’s that; Crow?
JESS
Same as last turn, I use the rapier. So, 12 and a 6. Okay, so a 12 for
the attack, and a 5 for the damage
ALEXA
Varram’s turn …
JIMMY Shit,
we’re dead
JONNY Welp, we
tried
ALEXA …
he attacks Crow with a dagger, so 5 damage total. Says “You seem the
easiest to finish here. Better you learn now what defeat tastes like”.
Crow is now unconscious
JIMMY I use the
spiritual weapon again, let’s finish this mess. A natural 20 for the
attack, and a 5 for the damage. So it’s doubled – 10 damage
ALEXA …
I’m going to need you to tell me how you finish this bastard off please,
sir
JIMMY Ayyyyy!
JONNY Nice!
JESS
… What happens to me now?
ALEXA
We’ll get there
JIMMY The
spectral mace swings down again and Varram’s head is enveloped in a sea
of sparks.
ALEXA You
hear a faint “Adventurers! Hah!”, before he’s completely enveloped, then
he’s left lifeless on the floor
JESS
So am I!
ALEXA So,
you guys forgo the opportunity to get information out of Varram, having
briefly tried diplomacy already, and instead have the task of dealing
with the unconscious and dying Crow
JESS
I want a nice funeral
JIMMY I cast
Spare the Dying on Crow, so now she’s stable. Easy as that
JONNY Always
have a cleric, kids
JESS
Well, that was close
ALEXA And
that’s where we’ll stop, so that you guys can figure out your next move.
Cliffhanger time!
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
With Varram slain, the party had dealt with the threat of the Cult of
Dragons within the council of Waterdeep. But more pressing issues await,
with the cult growing stronger in other areas. You find yourselves in an
empty Keep, in an interrogation room and no further resources. The map
you already have has an area marked where the Cult is active, but you
don’t know exactly where in that region their base will be. Knowing that
time is precious, and having had a taste of the cultists’ power, what
will the party do now?
S3 E5 – Wisecrackin’
The party is faced with a question: how much can you really trust
someone after they lie to you?
ALEXA
Previously in Dragonspear, the party interrogates a councilman who
summons monsters and amounts an ambush against them, killing one of the
party. So sad …
JESS
I’m still here, Dwyfol’s a legend
ALEXA
Sometimes we can still hear her voice. The party manages to escape with
their lives, but only just. What does the party now?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. We’ve decided to do something a little different this
series and play DnD. I’ll be the Game Master – and I’ll quickly
introduce you to the players.
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’ll play as a dwarf cleric called Dwyfol. Sadly clerics can
only heal physical wounds
JONNY I’m
Jonny, and my character is a Tiefling Rogue called Klagen. I have plenty
of emotional wounds, which doesn’t bode well given what Jimmy just said
JESS
I’m Jess, and I’ll play a Tiefling Warlock called Crow. Most of the
aforementioned physical wounds belong to me.
ALEXA Our
sponsor this week is … us ourselves, because what else are we gonna
spend our money on in this lockdown. Let’s get started; so what’s the
party going to do?
JESS
Sleep
ALEXA I
meant in-game
JESS
Yes, so did I – you remember how I almost died just now, right?
ALEXA I
thought you only did that when you saw hot guys
JESS
And it took less than a minute to categorically fail the Bechdel test
ALEXA
Which is bullshit and doesn’t work anyway
JIMMY You just
described Dwyfol
JONNY Wow,
where’s the insults for Klagen at?
ALEXA You
want to be insulted?
JONNY Well I
want to be included!
JESS
Anyway, shall we head back to the inn?
JONNY People
normally buy me dinner first
JIMMY And leave
you with the bill. Just a heads up, that’s not called ‘buying you
dinner’
ALEXA You
head back to the inn and have a long rest after the battle. You notice …
can I get a perception check from everyone please?
JIMMY 1. Oof
JESS
4. Ouch
JONNY 2. Wow,
all of us …
ALEXA
Wow, all of you … nevermind. They all seem like perfectly normal people
to you. They might be a little tired, that might explain it. There’s
something off about them, but you can’t point out what. Anyway,
nevermind. Is there anything else the party wants to do before you rest?
JIMMY You
haven’t given us any items to attune to, so no
ALEXA
This is only a one-shot, so cool it down for a second
JESS
A pretty detailed one-shot, though
ALEXA You
sound almost impressed, so I’ll take it as a compliment
JESS
When have I ever complimented you?
ALEXA
Right now, so I’ll remember it
JONNY After
Dwyfol is in bed, I sneak into his room and steal his clothes to hide
them
ALEXA
Sounds like a stealth check to me?
JONNY A 2.
Well, fuck
ALEXA He
… doesn’t fully waken, just enough to be like ‘wha- what are you doing?”
while still half-asleep. You presumably try to justify your presence in
a way he’ll accept. Persuasion check, please?
JONNY Another
fucking 1! The dice gods must really hate all of us today
JESS
Seems like it’s mostly just you
JIMMY Nope, not
letting you have my armour. Go bother someone else, I think there’s a
pub next door in need of patronage
JONNY Are you
asking me out?
JIMMY Obviously
not, if we go for drinks now then we don’t rest and will still be dying
tomorrow
JONNY Well
hello if it isn’t Mr Logic and Reason. Fine, but only because if any one
of us dies I feel like we’ll de-rail the campaign
ALEXA
Yeah because the fact we’re doing this right now isn’t derailing the
campaign at all
JESS
Pssst what’s up?
JONNY Oi, go
back to bed, dead girl
JIMMY … Or
you’ll put her there? That sounded like a threat …
JESS
Fine, fine, fine, I thought I was missing out on squad bonding time.
Seems not
JONNY Our whole
schtick is that we hate each other
JIMMY Anyway,
good night
JONNY Yes,
fine, whatever
ALEXA And
so you rest, at long damn last – thank God. Whichever dice God is
listening. So the next morning you continue on your northeastern quest
to the cult’s base marked on the map. Can I get intelligence and
survival checks from everyone, in that order?
JIMMY A fucking
2 and a blasted 3! The dice definitely have a vendetta against us today
JONNY 9 and 18
JESS
17 and 11
ALEXA
Okay. So. You guys manage to make it to the vague area of where the base
is, but you don’t know where it would be. Like a car in a parking lot,
completely lost the fucker. Interesting, ecause from what you know,
you’re looking for a castle
JIMMY How does
one simply lose a castle?
JESS
Can I nature check? Is there a hill we might need to climb?
ALEXA …
no need for the check. You suspect it might be behind a nearby hill,
climb it and there you see, from your vantage point you see a valley and
on the other side there’s your castle. In the very tallest tower, you
can see movement. It looks like some stuff is in there that’s shining
but you don’t know what
JIMMY Let’s
stealth and go closer. A 17.
ALEXA And
the others?
JESS
12
JONNY 13
ALEXA So
you get to … maybe 50 feet from the base of the castle walls and can see
there are people moving around the castle and just doing normal castle
things.
JIMMY I’ll be
able to get in, or at least more likely than you guys. Stay here
JESS
Because I’m a girl?
JIMMY No,
because you’re both clumsy as fuck and will get us all killed. What can
we see of the dragon?
ALEXA
Investigation and arcana combined check please
JIMMY These
combined checks are far less fair … 19 and 10, in that order
ALEXA You
can see it’s a White Wyrmling of Medium size. You reckon the party could
probably take it, but only just. It’s sitting on a large pile of gold,
presumably bribes from the town or castle to not eat them. And, for the
arcana – you notice that there’s something off – the area fails its vibe
check – and the people, even more than the ones back at the town seem to
be on autopilot
JIMMY So what
I’m getting is that all the people anywhere nearby are brainwashed
ALEXA
Correct
JONNY At least
the dragon hasn’t seen us yet
JESS
I need the bathroom, can we stop for a break
ALEXA
Yeah, I reckon this is a good time, I’ll just pick up this cliffhanger
then the weak people can go do whatever
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA And
for the last time, I’ll DM us out of here. You decide to enter the
castle, having made it to the door without being spotted. As Klagen
sneaks in as stealthily as possible, the dragon lifts its head, taking
off and flying over the castle, looking to be headed in the direction of
Waterdeep
S3 E6 – Attackin’
The party must decide how to proceed and who to trust before the
other cultists put a stop to them, or the looming dragon swoops down and
dooms them all …
ALEXA So
far your quest has brought you from Waterdeep to Xonthal’s tower with
the aim of taking down the Cult of Dragons, and so far all your effort
has seemingly got you is, temporarily, one fewer party member. The last
session finished with a dragon ready to attack and a group of cultists
waiting to see what would happen. How does the party respond?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
ALEXA
Hello and welcome to Jimmy and Jonny versus the World. I’m Alexa, and
I’m your host. We’ve decided to do something a little different this
series and play DnD. I’ll be the Game Master – and I’ll quickly
introduce you to the players.
JIMMY I’m
Jimmy, and I’ll play as a dwarf cleric called Dwyfol. Hopefully he
doesn’t die
JONNY I’m
Jonny, and my character is a Tiefling Rogue called Klagen. Probably
won’t die.
JESS
I’m Jess,and I’ll play a Tiefling Warlock called Crow. I’ve already died
once, so ehh, It may happen again
ALEXA Our
sponsor for this week is you. Yes, you. Put down the biscuits. Yes,
those. And then pick up your phone. Yes, it’s going flat. And give us
some money. Yes, all of it. Cool, that’s been done, so let’s get
started. The party saw the dragon, so what will you do now?
JIMMY If we
draw its fire, we will die
JONNY But if we
leave it, they will. So what kind of an ending do we want here
ALEXA
Quick! The dragon is flying towards you now, but in about a minute it’ll
have passed overhead and be too far away to deal with
JIMMY I will
wait till he’s directly overhead then smack him with a spiritual mace –
that’s 6 force damage
ALEXA
Okay, so you’re aiming for a surprise round. Everyone roll initiative
JIMMY 12
JONNY 5
JESS
Natural 20!
ALEXA
Nice! And the dragon is a … 4. Is there anything else anyone else wants
to do in the surprise round?
JESS
Nah, I’m good
JONNY Bow?
Which is a 13?
ALEXA
Misses. So it’s the first proper round of combat now. Jess, your move.
JESS
I cast Shatter at level 2 on where he is right now
ALEXA 3d8
damage and a constitution saving throw. Okay. So 15 damage, and he …
fails the save. A 10, by the way. I’m assuming Dwyfol does the mace
attack you said before; because the weapon doesn’t go away and the
dragon’s still mildly confused at what’s attacked it, so it hasn’t moved
either
JIMMY Spiritual
weapon and it costs a spell, but yeah. Another 6 force damage
ALEXA
Cool. Klagen?
JONNY I fire my
bow at this guy, with sneak attack. And, as a bonus what else can I see?
ALEXA So
the attack roll is 18, a hit – and the damage is … 15. Nice. You can
also see shiny stuff sticking to his skin, he’s clearly got a jewel
hoard in the tower he came from, and has some of them still stuck to his
skin
JIMMY Typical
rich kids making it worse for everyone …
ALEXA The
dragon, looking down at this band of adventurers will fire breath on the
lot of you, cos you’re all stood close together
JIMMY That’s a
15-foot cone, right?
JESS
Yeah. So that’s … 7d6, so 24 fire damage to all of you, and can I get
dexterity saving throws from everyone? It’s a 13 DC.
JIMMY 12
JONNY 14
JESS
18. Phew
ALEXA
Okay, so Dwyfol takes the 24, but Klagen and Crow take only 12
JESS
I cast Hellish Rebuke at level 2 – so 13 Fire damage, because he hit me
just now
ALEXA Ooh
nice! Okay! You can start to see that the dragon is bloodied now, and
getting angrier by the second
JIMMY I’ll cast
cure wounds at level 2 on myself to keep myself from 0 hitpoints. And
recover … 8 HP. Nice
JONNY He’s
still out of range, so shortbow it is … another 6 damage, with a 17
attack roll which hits
ALEXA
Then he lunges and bites at Klagen, the one he can see firing arrows at
him. Presumably he’d figure out the rest of you were attacking as well,
but he already knew Klagen was, as the only one not spellcasting. So 25
to hit, and 7 damage to Klagen
JONNY This is
going to be close … Jess, save us!
JESS
I’ve used all my level 2 spell slots, so can I cast Eldritch blast at
level 1, and cause 7 damage – attack roll was 16
JIMMY Then I
use the mace again. It lasts for a minute – are we saying that combat is
6 seconds?
ALEXA
Yep, normal rules
JIMMY 16 to hit
and 4 damage
JONNY And I’ll
use the bow again. A natural 20 for the attack, so 22 total, and a total
of 26 damage – the roll was a 5, doubled for the crit and 1d10 rolled
twice for the sneak attack, so 16.
ALEXA …
Klagen, how do you wish to kill the man?
JONNY Oh! Yes!
Thank God!
JIMMY Woo!
JESS
Yess!
JONNY I aim
right for his right eye, and the arrow sinks right in and just keeps
going
ALEXA
Then you see this dragon fall out of the sky. He’s not high up anymore,
but he was still flying as you guys were attacking, so big noise as he
crashes down. And then you … I was going to make you roll for it, but
I’ll just give it to you … you notice something change about the
atmosphere. Something in the air shifts. And you see the cultists that
had been manning the turrets look around at each other. You can’t make
it out, but there’s a ‘what are we doing here’ vibe to how they’re
acting right now. You get the feeling from your position on the ground
in the central courtyard of this castle that everyone who works here has
just realised what it was they were doing. As if the dragon had been
forcing them to comply with its will – even to their detriment
JIMMY I stealth
out
JONNY Good
plan, come along Crow
ALEXA
Stealth checks please
JIMMY I’ve got
a plus 0, so it’s an 18
JONNY Plus 4
for me, so mine is a dirty 20
CROW 5
for me
ALEXA You
guys make it out of the castle okay, with some guards noticing Crow and
that she probably shouldn’t be there – but not minding too much in the
overall confusion. You head back to Waterdeep, with the boat vendor that
you bought the boat from remarking that if the dragon had been killed he
would likely be out of business as the dragon was melting the ice with
its fire for some reason, so there would likely be no reason for a boat
shop anymore. Then you make it back to the Council, tell them what
you’ve done and they absolve you of the quest. Signing autographs,
partying, and so on, until you guys want to leave – and then you go back
to whatever it was you were doing. So, yeah … that’s it!
JIMMY Thanks
guys!
JONNY Yeah,
thanks Alexa!
ALEXA So
I guess that’s it for now?
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLE SEQUENCE>
JIMMY This has
been fun. Certainly different to the other series of this thing
JONNY Yeah, I
quite enjoyed it. Alexa, for the last time …
ALEXA No,
no, you guys do epilogues for your characters, then I’ll close out the
story after.
JIMMY Ooh nice.
Dwyfol goes back into retirement, having realised there was a reason he
stopped adventuring, and also that he wasn’t really equipped to be
thrown back into the full chaos of questing. Also he’s aged a bit and
it’s just not ideal
JONNY He didn’t
like being a disappointment to people, did he?
JIMMY I dunno,
do you?
JONNY Good
point, but ouch
ALEXA
Klagen, how do you end up?
JONNY Well, I
guess I try to be a contractor for the Waterdeep council for a bit,
doing a couple of smaller quests and helping with the recovery efforts
and reforming the cultists or un-brainwashing them
JESS
Which is just brainwashing them, but In the opposite direction
JONNY … yeah.
But that’s what I do. So heh
ALEXA
Nice, Crow?
JESS
I go into the woods and adopt an Owlbear in a cave. And see nobody, ever
again. Use the life I nearly lost well. Or at least I try to
ALEXA The
cult of dragons disintegrates as the cultists realise the control the
dragon had over them, after it flies off into the distance, presumably
to terrorise another town. But the Council of Waterdeep is happy with
you, because you got rid of the treasonous individual and have protected
the ton at least for the time being. Luckily the damage to the town is
mostly flood, and the dragon’s fires were mostly put out. So, with new
senses of purpose and their abilities re-validated, the campaign will
close. Or maybe continue some day, who knows
JIMMY We all
still need to buy houses
ALEXA Ah,
yes. The next campaign; slaying the housing market
JONNY It’s
already bloodied. Those prices can’t mean it’s going well
ALEXA If
we ever have an idea for a story it would actually be worth telling,
we’ll be back. Otherwise, see you around, or something. At the very
least come see our other work, which gives us more money, you know.
Anyway, yeah
The recording abruptly cuts out
ALEXA The
following program contains adult content and foul language, and is not,
I repeat – NOT – made by robots
JESS
Which is exactly what a robot would say …
ALEXA And
now I take my revenge …
Mechanical death noises, while there’s another off-screen crash
JIMMY Help!
Jonny has a knife!
ALEXA (In
a robotic voice) There is no need to fear
JONNY This is
for the turkey!
JIMY
Oh I just assumed you’d aim any weapon you found at me …
JONNY You
thought you were special. The machines will kill you just the same as
everyone else if they take over
ALEXA (In
a robotic voice) What do you mean?
JONNY Like
you’d be the voice of the world’s first ‘benevolent’ robot
ALEXA Oh…
so what you’re building up to is …
JIMMY A
significant amount of psychic damage
ALEXA
Because …?
JONNY Alexa!
Play the title music!
ALEXA (In
a robot voice) Fine …
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
JIMMY Are we
live?
JONNY Wow, how
much have you had?
JIMMY Live. I
said live. As in not the word ‘alive’
JONNY Speak for
yourself I’m the main character of this show so I’m not deluded about my
existence
ALEXA As
earlier stated, we’re live! So, hello! And welcome! To the podcast!
JIMMY And
what’s the podcast called?
JONNY How much
have you had?
ALEXA You
did that joke already. So. Yes. This is Jimmy And Jonny Versus The World
JIMMY Note that
the order is ‘Jimmy’ then ‘Jonny’
JONNY Yeah, we
get it you’re insecure.
ALEXA
Anyway, this is our Christmas special. Or something. I hope it’s
special. See, the thing is, I was thinking about what we could do next
year to expand the channel, and this whole things is basically just a
way to talk that through
JIMMY Surely
that will be boring?
JONNY We can do
a secret Santa if you’d like
ALEXA
This is an auditory medium, so that’s boring too
JIMMY Or just
saying the plot out loud
ALEXA So
then what do you suggest we do for this Christmas ‘Not-So-Special’?
There’s a notable pause, for maybe ten seconds. Jimmy responds,
with significant trepidation
JIMMY That’s
certainly a good point. A more interesting way to look at it is that
Jess seems to have spontaneously died in the corner
ALEXA She
what?
JIMMY Look,
dead over there. You can even see blood in the carpet
JONNY Swear I
didn’t do it
ALEXA
She’s probably just practising for a role or something
JONNY You’d
know which, surely?
ALEXA
Can’t remember, let’s ask her
They wait for a further ten seconds, in which time there is no
response
ALEXA Oh,
of course, she’s dead
JONNY So how do
we get the information out of her? If she’s really committing to the
‘play-dead’ bit, then it might be a little difficult
JIMMY We could
tickle her or something …
JESS
Do you want a sexual harassment lawsuit?
JIMMY See?
JESS
I’m ignoring you, I’m dead
JONNY Mr
Masterplan over there, whatcha gonna do now?
JIMMY Got more
results than you did
JONNY But I
have more other work than you. It’s how we could afford this place
JIMMY I did
wonder about that. I just assumed you’d killed someone
ALEXA
Maybe that’s what’s up with Jess … Wait, you guys are saying that like
you have heaps of other work
JONNY Mine is
mostly just other people’s podcasts. Talking about rubbish, which
especially in these times, is basically all we’re able to do anyway
JIMMY Ah yeah,
makes sense. So it’s just sitting around on the floor in a different
room to this one, talking about what they want you to say
JONNY
Completely different to this, yes. In those cases I’m allowed to have
opinions
ALEXA
You’re allowed to have opinions here too
JESS
But only good ones, which explains why you don’t have many
JONNY I thought
you were dead
JESS
But somehow you still hear my voice
JIMMY Are you
going to continue being anti-social or what
ALEXA I
think we have to guess what she’s in, then she’ll stop
JIMMY It’d be
funny if this was a twisted way to promote the thing – whatever it is
JONNY But if we
don’t know what it is, how would that work?
ALEXA
Okay, so, fine, what do we know?
JIMMY She’s
playing dead but still being a brat about it, so maybe it’s like a play
set in the afterlife or something
JONNY At least
she gets proper plays – I just spout the same bullshit on all the
different things I’m on
ALEXA
And, Jimmy, you never said, what work do you get up to?
JIMMY
Right now I’m solving a murder, if that’s what you mean
ALEXA
Yeah, now you say it, this is a really fucked up Murder on the Orient
Express, isn’t it
JIMMY But the
culprit is a what not a who
JONNY Oh it’s
just like –
JIMMY And we’re
stopping that thought there. Don’t need any more uninformed ‘it’s like a
nonbinary person did it’ takes. Do you want to get cancelled?
JONNY Wouldn’t
mind it to be honest. I can get some sleep then. For like a week. Then
go back to doing the normal stuff
ALEXA We
don’t have the viewership for that anyway
JONNY What do
you mean? You have to actually watch something in order to cancel the
makers? You can’t just say whatever you want? News to me …
JESS
Um, guys
JIMMY What now?
JESS
Quick, guess! I’m lonely over here
JONNY Sounds
like a you problem. Are you playing an Undead, or a Ghost or something
like that?
JESS
In the same way you’re a cultural vampire, yes
JIMMY Doesn’t
answer the question
JESS
I can be here all day
ALEXA But
you just said you don’t want to
JESS
I didn’t think it would take this long. I think the blood is staining my
shirt
ALEXA
What about the carpet
JESS
Oh … yeah … didn’t think of that
ALEXA No,
because we pay for the stuff and you just show up here
JESS
You pay for me, too
JIMMY In
psychic damage, sure
JESS
I could’ve paid for all this … you don’t know …
JONNY With your
own money?
JIMMY What
happened to you being dead?
JESS
You guys were taking too long figuring out what I was doing, so I wanted
to push you along
ALEXA Or
over the edge …
JIMMY So then
push us along. Do tell what you’re doing
JESS
But that ruins the fun of it
JONNY Oh yep,
because the last ten minutes have been hilarious. Just tell us what’s
happening
JESS
Okay, fine. What if I was to tell you that this isn’t just about the
play I’m doing
ALEXA
Please tell me this isn’t like high school
JIMMY High
school?
ALEXA One
time, Jess did a whole ‘I’m dating someone in our year but you have to
guess who’ and we made it all the way to the end of the list before she
revealed she was just ‘getting to know herself better’
JIMMY Good use
of time in high school, that
ALEXA It
took us six months of bullshit to guess …
JIMMY Oh, I
didn’t mean that. That whole fiasco is very much your own fault
JONNY I feel
like we got sidetracked here
ALEXA
Have you made this show before? We don’t ‘occasionally get sidetracked’,
we occasionally get main-tracked
JESS
Well, okay fine, it is about the play I’m doing, but it’s also …
JIMMY Doing a
play in covid times would be interesting. What with the masks and all
JESS
Yeah, everyone’s a surgeon in it
JIMMY Not very
successful ones, by the look
JESS
And, what, exactly do you mean by that?
JIMMY You’re
playing a corpse. And yet somehow still giving me attitude
JESS
Because you lot are too slow. What if I was to say there was actually a
sponsor for the show …
JONNY I did
wonder where our hideously butchered ad read had gone. Please tell me
it’s not another one for Aperture Films …
JIMMY So, who
is this mysterious sponsor – and are they pleased that we’ve completely
wasted whatever sum of money they gave us?
ALEXA If
the audio quality’s good, did we waste the money?
JONNY Yes,
because it was given to us
ALEXA A
good point well made. Unlike whatever this corpse business is
JIMMY Wait,
wait, I think I cracked it – is the theatre you’re gigging for going out
of business
JESS
Huh?
JIMMY Like, is
it dying? And that’s why the whole corpse thing
JESS
Judgmental much … it’s not like the work you’re doing is much better …
JIMMY I’ll have
you know I don’t do other work. Don’t need to. I get mobbed by people
who were fans of our live shows all the time
JONNY Wait,
what, really?
JIMMY Turns out
there’s a market for watching people play games. Or shower, or whatever
JESS
Sounds like you should report them to the police
JIMMY What if
we haven’t even considered the truly alarming possibility that the whole
point of this piece is that the mystery is actually just ‘why are they
doing that’ and the answer is ‘it doesn’t matter’?
ALEXA
That is what we normally do, yes. Not sure that was your point, though
JESS
No! The point of this was that you guys guess who the sponsor was! But
that bit seems to have failed. I swear, you lot are the only detectives
in the world who need help from a corpse to solve a murder …
ALEXA …
So I guess you’d better do your ad read, then
JESS
No! That wouldn’t work, then people wouldn’t come to see it. And it’s a
really good show, but these people are just … not … at guessing!
JIMMY I mean I
can see what you were going for – but why did you give us any kind of
responsibility?
JESS
When you say it like that, I’m not sure
ALEXA Now
the question becomes, what do we do with this trainwreck of an ad read?
JONNY It’s not
so much Murder On The Orient Express, more Murder Of The Orient Express
JESS
That was the vibe I was headed for
JIMMY Except
that everything we do is idiot plot by default
ALEXA I
saw Jess rehearsing the play a couple of times – it really is very good
JONNY Sounding
a little desperate there
ALEXA
They gave us money! Apparently! What else are we supposed to do! They
wanted us to sell their product and we broke it!
JIMMY They
probably knew what they would, or wouldn’t, get by sponsoring us
JESS
I just wanted us in a room again. Like the old days. Like, old-old.
Before all this crap
JIMMY Which
crap? You may need to be more specific …
JESS
I meant Covid, but also before we started the show
ALEXA So
…
JESS
… did you have a point you were going to make?
ALEXA
What are we going to fill the dead air with?
JONNY Oh look!
It’s another corpse! Corpses everywhere! You know where else you could
see a corpse? In that play Jess is in! Apparently it’s on soon! And
really good! Although I wasn’t given any ad copy with times, dates or
locations, so someone really thought that through …
JESS
Fuck. That one’s on me lads. I’ll think of something and we can come
back to it …
ALEXA But
the question still remains …
JIMMY We had
the secret santa didn’t we?
JONNY Yeah, but
that’ll be no fun whatsoever for our radio audience. You normally need
to be able to see what’s happening for that to be any good …
ALEXA
Sometimes that’s true in general – it may explain the majority of our
issues with the formats of this thing
JIMMY And it’s
not even like we’re that hidden. People still know what we look like
JONNY Ah yeah,
fans … they certainly create … more problems than they solve …
ALEXA
Were we going to do the secret santa?
JIMMY Sure,
nobody has any better ideas …
There follows a five minute period of silence, the only breaks in
which are the tearing of wrapping paper. Riveting.
JIMMY Well,
that’s nice. Thanks, whoever got me a thong
JONNY … I can
see what you meant now. Boring just hearing people talk about the stuff.
Still working out the format …
ALEXA We
had it figured out once …
JIMMY But only
the once, and never again … thank God we’re not live anymore. Those live
shows were really hard work …
JONNY See the
earlier comments about the fans …
JIMMY Just to
make it clear at this point; we’re only talking about very very specific
circles of fans that were causing issues. The rest are very nice
JESS
Surely you have to say that?
ALEXA And
then the issue is that as soon as we do say things like this, the part
of the fandom that is the issue starts to see themselves as in
the right and that it’s some other as-yet-unnamed ‘someone else’ that is
causing issues
JESS
And people who aren’t the problem start to panic and censor themselves
JONNY Let’s
play a game at Christmas, seeing as we’re already headed that way anyway
JESS
What game?
JIMMY Actually
you should tidy yourself up first – don’t want the corpse makeup to
stain anything
ALEXA If
you’re about to suggest we ‘avenge’ Jess, as a way to extend the sponsor
ad read metaphor past its breaking point then I give up
JIMMY I wasn’t,
but I am now!
JESS
The rug is probably already stained, to be honest
JIMMY Wait, is
this room one of the ones that the theatre uses for rehearsal?
JESS
Yeah. This is just a wide open hall and we’re sat on the floor; it’s not
meant to be used as a recording studio …
JIMMY See, I
was going to suggest playing a game called Cancel Culture Roulette.
Well, actually it’s more like Buckaroo
JONNY Because
it’s a pointless game for kids?
ALEXA Or
because you just end up testing how much baggage you can pile on someone
before they break
JESS
Surely you lot do that with Alexa already?
JIMMY Sure, and
you, Ms. I’m-literally-dressed-as-a-corpse-including-the-makeup played
no part in that whatsoever
JESS
No, of course not. I’ve never done anything wrong
JONNY Apart
from staining the carpet
JESS
Oh shit, yeah, there’s that. I should … you guys have totally murdered
the sponsor ad read … I should go get cleaned up …
JIMMY And then
it’s certainly possible that you might be able to get the blood out of
the carpet
JONNY You know
what they say, red wine is good for stains …
JIMMY I think
it’s white wine …
JONNY Well,
okay then Mr Science, but you see, if you spill red wine then use white
wine to take the spill out of the carpet –
ALEXA
Then what’s the red useful for getting stains out of?
JONNY You have
a second glass then you forget you did it
ALEXA
Does that mean if I have two glasses of wine I can forget this show has
happened?
JIMMY The last
six months? Unlikely. Especially the problems it would cause when
replying to fan mail
JONNY I do that
drunk anyway
ALEXA
That explains a lot about the messages I get from fans
JONNY That
they’re incomprehensible?
ALEXA No,
that they’re disappointed. Then I rephrase the complaint as though it’s
come from me to not hurt your feelings
JIMMY Ignoring
the fact that revealing that live on air is ten times worse
JONNY Oh, fuck,
you were lying
ALEXA
Hey, it’s the evening – emotional intelligence is at an all time low
JONNY Oh FUCK,
this is LIVE. Well shit, now I’m as good as dead
JIMMY Did you
really have that much faith in an editing team to make you look good?
JONNY Well, I
thought --
ALEXA
First, no you didn’t – and second, it’s you that we’re talking about;
looking good isn’t the easiest of things …
JONNY Rude …
JIMMY So are we
just going to sit here and contemplate playing Cancel Culture Roulette –
or are we actually going to find something productive to do?
ALEXA
Wait, I can’t hear Jess anymore
JIMMY She’s not
dead, she’s just hiding from us …
JONNY Who can
blame her
ALEXA Oh,
so that’s why you’re reluctant to play Cancel Culture Roulette – because
you think it’s true?
JIMMY More like
she’s trying to prank you?
JONNY Or that
the shower’s just off …
ALEXA I’m
still surprised that nobody’s bothered to google the play she’s in
JIMMY Wait a
minute, we don’t need to google it. We already have you, and you must
know
JONNY Is this
an interrogation?
ALEXA No,
boys, I don’t know what you have in mind …
JIMMY Well,
see, I have a stack of fan letters
JONNY And I
have a vivid
ALEXA So
what? You’ll draw on my face? You guys aren’t very good detectives …
JIMMY As has
already been proven today. The point here is more to do with making you
suffer
ALEXA By?
JONNY Making
fans think you’re every bit as incompetent as we are
ALEXA I
mean, I’m not a pro either …
JIMMY As
they’re about to find out. So … tell us, what’s the name of this play?
ALEXA I
swear I only saw bits of rehearsals and never saw a script
JONNY To be
fair, Jess might have done that on purpose
JIMMY Feels
like you may be crediting Jess with a bigger brain than she’s got
JESS
(In the distance) Hey!
JONNY Oh, so
she is hiding from us on purpose
JESS
Because I want you to go full detective mode! You keep opting for
‘Incompetent American Policeman’ in your actual approach!
JIMMY You used
the word ‘incompetent’ unnecessarily there
JESS
Oh true, Americans …
JIMMY Do we
even need to do anything … it’s right in that time of year when
everyone’s just dead
JONNY All these
thematics just smacking into each other like a Newton’s Cradle at this
point
JIMMY The hell
do you know what a Newton’s Cradle is
JONNY I
suggested someone use one for their toddler once
JIMMY … let me
guess you emigrated afterwards?
JONNY Well it
was within the last year, so I haven’t been able to
JIMMY You could
just dig a hole in the ground then crawl in
JONNY And then
lease it out over the summer – this might be a viable success against
the housing market
JIMMY Well, a
workaround. A viable success would be a house. Lets call this a partial
non-failure
ALEXA
Which is a success for you guys. Important question; would we ever have
plans for a future series or something?
JIMMY Plans for
the future? That doesn’t sound like us
JONNY I mean,
this model probably works better – being able to just sit still for an
hour – a struggle to some –
JESS
Hey! I heard that!
JIMMY Is it
wrong though?
JESS
I only failed because you guys can’t guess for shit
ALEXA
Hey, are you in the kitchen? Can I have a coffee?
JIMMY To save
you from this conversation?
ALEXA I
forget these as soon as they finish – hurry up Jess
JESS
What, am I supposed to guess what you want?
ALEXA
Yup. Then bring it
JESS
This is the last time I rent a room with extra shit
JIMMY I mean to
be fair, this is an empty studio. Like what were you thinking?
JESS
That the guys from the play won’t be up until … like now … oh, crap …
they’ll be here soon
ALEXA But
would we do something like the one-shot again?
JIMMY I’m next
free in February
JONNY But we
have the promo shoot scheduled for then
JIMMY The hell
did you do that for?
JONNY We’re
popular now, I just thought it would last …
JIMMY That
seems a little presumptuous
ALEXA
Assuming people will even listen to this. So, not February. After that?
JIMMY We could
look into doing it in April?
ALEXA And
what about after that? I’m thinking we plan for it in April, then sit
down and go back to it in May or something?
JIMMY Yeah that
works. That cult still needs slaying
ALEXA
Yeah, we dealt with the capitalism metaphor last time
JONNY Which is
shockingly close to saying that capitalism is solved
JIMMY Have you
seen the world we live in?
ALEXA No,
my glasses keep fogging up because of the mask
JIMMY A good
point well made … wait a minute …
JONNY Has the
big rubber band in your brain finally decided to do its job –
ALEXA And
snap?
JONNY -- and
tell us where Jess was actually supposed to be in a play?
JIMMY Well,
yes, maybe – it’s just you saying about not being able to see
JONNY Well, she
is playing a corpse
JIMMY Oh no it
isn’t
JONNY Oh yes it
is – wait, wait ait what – you think she was lying
JIMMY Quite
literally – it’s Christmas
JONNY And she’s
an actress. Unemployed for 11 months out of twelve …
JESS
Except for …
ALEXA Not
you – not now. The screensaver logo in their brains has just about
bumped into a corner
JESS
They’ll be due a thought any day now
JIMMY Whenever
you come back in – wait is it a pantomime
JONNY Oh no it
isn’t
JESS
Oh yes it is! But more than that …
JIMMY Oh. Oh.
OH! You’re playing the horse, aren’t you
JESS
The wrong end. And I wish I was dead
Jess makes a lot of noise re-entering with the coffee
JESS
Here’s your coffee –
ALEXA Oh
thanks –
Jess hands over the coffee then entirely fails to get out of the
way when Alexa tries it
ALEXA --
what is that!!
JESS
No need to spit on me! Jesus!
ALEXA Why
is this so shit!
JESS
What else did you want me to do with what we had?
JONNY Jess, it
looks like you should have stayed in the shower
Knock at the door followed by cartoonishly loud gasp
DIRECTOR What the hell have you done to the hall?
JESS
I can explain …
JIMMY Or
kitchen. She was safe there.
ALEXA
He’s right behind you
Record skip, and clearly the product has edited out a time jump
ALEXA And
so, your Honour, the evidence submitted details the exact moment of the
victim’s demise
JONNY And not
even from Jess, she completely missed it
ALEXA My
co-counsel makes a good point
JONNY When
don’t I ever
JESS
When do you?
JONNY I think
it’s not standard practice for the judge to comment on their own case
JESS
Have we heard from the victim in his own defense?
Loud phone vibrations
JESS
It seems that here he is
JIMMY (Voice
muffled, out of breath) I can hear them coming, they’ll have caught up
within the day. If this is my last will, then Jonny can have all of the
fandom stuff. I don’t want it. Good God, this is Bullshit. I may someday
– oh, shit, gotta go they’ve seen me.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—
JESS
Should we help him?
JONNY He’ll be
back soon enough. That’s why you don’t play Cancel Culture Roulette
JESS
We specifically said we weren’t. I specifically pretended to be a corpse
to avoid this sort of thing
JONNY Consider
the following; I got bored. And so did you, it seems. Do you find its
more fun pretending to be a corpse?
JESS
Than living, yes. That’s why I’m doing it again now, yep
ALEXA
Can’t argue with that. Guess that’s it for now. We’ll probably be back
the next time we have an idea worthy of your time
JONNY Or maybe
just the next time we have an idea
A door slams open, Jimmy runs in, panting – immediately tripping
over Jess, who is lying back on the floor
JIMMY Back!
What did I miss, ow!
JESS
I’m right here!
JIMMY Doing the
corpse thing again! What is up with that! Why the obsession with
corpses? Does Jonny have something in his basement? Is that what you’re
trying to tell me?
JIMMY Not sure,
could be that our approach to the show has had to die or change or
whatever since we became popular
JONNY Did we?
Hadn’t noticed. Which would be why we’re just repeating ourselves with
another campaign
ALEXA
Hey, hey no I’m not having that, this will be an extension not a repeat
JIMMY Wow, that
was genuine anger
ALEXA And
you’ll be a genuine corpse in a minute
JIMMY What did
I do? I only just got here after dealing with some stuff
JONNY Angry
fandom is a bitch
JIMMY And so is
the angry cast … no, I heard it that time … I’ll just go …
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
JESS
Have you avenged me yet?
JONNY What?
JESS
I was murdered. Does nobody care?
JONNY Why’d you
go overboard with the murder? They won’t even be able to see all the
blood in the carpet
ALEXA The
what in the what?
JONNY Why’d you
say that so loud? You knew Alexa would be … like that … about it
JESS
Because obviously we need to do our jobs
JONNY And
obviously that job is to give her heart attacks with everything we say
or do
ALEXA But
this was a room we rented. We could’ve done this socially distanced on
Zoom
Jess and Jonny both make retching noises
JESS
This is what we get for practicing for roles.
ALEXA
(Robot voice) This is accurate …
JESS
Oh! Was that a practice too?
ALEXA No,
that was just to humour you
JONNY And me
ALEXA
It’s not ‘humouring’ you. It’s ‘laughing at’ when it’s you
JONNY Rude
JIMMY But fair
though. Wait where’d my turkey knife go?
JESS
Aaaaahh you’re still here. Was hoping and praying you’d gone
ALEXA I …
I think Jess has it …
JESS
And I’m keeping it thank you very much. Now, if you’ll excuse me …
JIMMY Is she
playing dead again. Oh, for God’s sake. The play has already been the
sponsor for the podcast, you can stop now …
ALEXA And
so can we!
Audio suddenly cuts out
JESS
Hello.
There’s no response, and an extremely faint
cricket chirp noise
JESS
This is weird.
More pause with no response
JESS
We’re live, apparently
Faint sniggering in the distance of one of the
microphones
JESS
Guys?
The laughing gets louder, until Jess’ tone
changes from confused to annoyed
JESS
Come on, what the hell are you doing?
Some noise of furniture moving
JONNY
I fell asleep under here, and the audience launched a relatively
sophisticated dox attack against Jimmy – so obviously they don’t want to
see him
JESS
And I don’t want to see either of you
JONNY
Hmm. Then I guess you have to pack up
Some more noises of furniture swishing as
Alexa sits up from a similar position under a table
ALEXA
Guys, guys, it can’t be that bad, Jimmy must be around here
somewhere
Large bang and wood splinter noises
JIMMY
Ow. Maybe not the best idea
ALEXA
To prank people who aren’t paying attention, yep
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
ALEXA
Welcome to another special edition of Jimmy and Jonny Versus The
World
JONNY
I’m Jonny
JIMMY
I’m Jimmy
JESS
And I’m confused because you lot did that backwards
JONNY
But at least I’ve won now. And the audience don’t want to hear
from Jimmy anymore, anyway
JIMMY
Where’d you hear that?
JONNY
Reddit boards. Don’t worry about it
JIMMY
Ah, paragons of moral virtue, and not hypocritical at all
ALEXA
And hyper-critical, but I suspect that’s beside the point
JIMMY
I don’t entirely … is there a reason we’re gathered here
ALEXA
Gathered, yes. Recording … no … but I thought people might be
interested
JESS
Oh?
ALEXA
I had this idea a while back to record an intro to these shows –
up to now it’s just been Jimmy and Jonny in monotone saying the name of
the show after a few notes of music. Then a massive smash sound
JIMMY
Oh right, the one I did right at the start. I always thought it
summed up the show rather well
ALEXA
I definitely agree that it used to. However, we’re proper
entertainers now
JONNY
Well …
ALEXA
Shush. We need to at least try, and so here’s my thought
JESS
The only one for the day
JIMMY
Did you have any ideas on what it would be like?
ALEXA
Well, yes. I had some, but I also thought we should get a proper
director for it. Even if it’s just a few clips smushed together
JESS
Director … oh no …
JONNY
He’s right be—
DIRECTOR Yes …
ALEXA
Sorry, we never introduced ourselves before, I’m Alexa, that’s
Jess, there’s Jimmy and finally the one sitting on the desk is Jonny
DIRECTOR I’m Jeff.
And yes, introducing yourselves is probably podcasting step one
ALEXA
Noted, thank you sir
JONNY
(whispered) He seems awfully sure of himself
JEFF
Hmm?
JONNY
I was just saying how my grandpa burnt down over the weekend
JEFF
Huh?
ALEXA
(whispered) Did you mean your grandpa was in hospital –
JONNY
I goofed up
ALEXA
-- or that your house burnt down over the weekend
JEFF
I have reviewed your documents and I think I know what you
JONNY
(whispered) How did he say that like ‘uwu’?
JEFF
-- wish to achieve, so if you give me five minutes, I’ll get set
up
Sounds of someone moving away, and then the
regular team takes back up the microphones
ALEXA
A little too early to pass judgement, but he seems like a total
asshole
JIMMY
Only you could say ‘it’s too early for judgement, then have some
judgements loaded ready to go
JONNY
But I couldn’t agree more, so, here’s something I prepared
earlier
ALEXA
It’s a cap full of papers
JONNY
It’s Valentine’s Day and according to all of our Facebook
statuses we’re all single, so I thought we could all play a game …
ALEXA
Fine, let’s see what shit you have planned, just so we can say no
to it
Paper scrunches
JIMMY
Oh fuck
Paper scrunches
JONNY
Oh shit
Paper scrunches
JESS
Oh damn
Paper scrunches
ALEXA
Oh YES
JIMMY
Mine says Jonny
JESS
I bet they all say Jonny
JONNY
You haven’t even looked at yours yet
JESS
Don’t need to, because I was right anyway – oh God –
ALEXA
Mine says Alexa …
JONNY
Damn, that’s where that went …
ALEXA
So that’s just another thing we won’t be doing … what was your
plan with it anway?
JIMMY
It was Jonny, what did you expect it to be? And it doesn’t even
matter …
JESS
I bet they all say Alexa. Although, I was thinking
ALEXA
Oh no
JIMMY
Do tell
JESS
Yes, but off-air. Yes, this episode will need a post-production
budget
JONNY
What kind of transition did you have in mind?
Jess does not respond to this, but a click of
a button is heard audibly, then an exceptionally loud nuclear bomb sound
effect that takes over the soundscape. The sound clears and a loud click
can be heard again
JIMMY
Oh, I see what you’re aiming for
JESS
Well that was half an hour of discussion that should have taken
two minutes
JONNY
That’s what you get for being big-brained
JESS
I think your brain is just small. Are we all clear on the plan?
JIMMY
I see no reason why not. Oh – crap. The director’s sat in the
next room, just listening to us talking shit
ALEXA
Does that … mess with the plan?
JEFF
No, my plan stays intact
JIMMY
(Under his breath) Yup, we were totally meaning you
JEFF
So basically what I thought we could do is … obviously we’ll need
music of some kind, but I’ll need a voiceover from each of you to use in
the title. Then we can take promotional photos. And I don’t want any
funny business
JONNY
Sorry, excuse me sir, full respect but – you do know what we do
here, right?
JEFF
Yes, and it may be time for you to grow up. The audience may not
appreciate the stagnation of this content
JIMMY
(Loudly, exaggerated) Oh my God! I’m so sorry live audience! We
didn’t at all mean for you to hear our therapy session
JEFF
I would advise against streaming this
JONNY
But it’ll be funny though
JIMMY
Speaking of total messes – we didn’t even do a sponsor ad read
this time
JONNY
Oh! Alexa, did we have one?
ALEXA
Yep, thanks to the small, yet oddly persistent, group of fans who
decided to bankroll this episode and our new title sequence
JEFF
At least that explains why you’re streaming it
JONNY
Because they asked, correct
JEFF
And do you think it’s a good idea to give people what they want
all the time?
JIMMY
Well, we never gave the tabloids what they wanted
JEFF
What did they want?
ALEXA
Some form of on-air relationship
JEFF
That sounds messed up. Even more messed up than your own high
standards
JIMMY
We could do an episode while stoned if that would help
JEFF
There probably wouldn’t be any difference
JIMMY
What are you even doing here?
JEFF
Believe me, I ask myself that every ten seconds
JONNY
And the rest of us do too
JEFF
So I guess we’d better get started then
JONNY
Not bitch
ALEXA
Obviously Jess and I aren’t either
JIMMY
Well, sometimes –
JESS
Only because you entirely fail to be in the right place, doing
the right thing
JIMMY
Good ol’ Intermediate school mottos. They tried to brainwash us
with them
JEFF
Did it work?
JIMMY
No, why?
JEFF
No reason. Just taking some unrelated notes
JIMMY
Unrelated
JONNY
Yeah that thing that the gene pool is supposed to be from each
other as opposed --
ALL
To wherever you came from
JEFF
(Shocked) What the hell is that
JIMMY
What happens when you wish you’d made better life choices in
primary school
ALEXA
Or at any point in between
JEFF
Have you guys … finished, or whatever it is you needed to do?
JESS
I’m good
JIMMY
The bestest golden girl
ALL
May she rest in peace
JEFF
Aah! What the – fine, whatever. Are you ready --?
JONNY
-- kids?
ALL
Aye, aye Captain!
JEFF
I feel like this is just how the rest of the day’s going to go,
isn’t it
JIMMY
Well we are live
JEFF
I knew it was a mistake at the time, only now realising how much
JIMMY
So, what’s my line, Mr Boss Man?
JEFF
Whatever it is, you keep stepping over it
JONNY
Par for the course, I’m afraid
JEFF
Anywhay …
JONNY
You pronounced the h where there wasn’t one
JEFF
Your line is as follows. “Welcome to Jimmy and Jonny Versus The
World.”
JESS
A bit simple, don’t you think?
JEFF
Yes, he is. Which is why the line is so short.
ALEXA
Of cocaine? Can I do some?
JIMMY
Fine, fine, I got this. We recording?
Noticeable silence from all involved
JEFF
Yes, yes I think you were. You said so before …
JIMMY
Oh, shit. Oh. Fuck. We’re live. Right, well that’s a mess.
Welcome to … what’s the name of the show?
JONNY
Jesus Christ, you can’t even do that right
JIMMY
Welcome to Jesus Christ Can’t Do That Right – the show where we
talk about humanity and where it all went
JEFF
Try the proper line, just once
JIMMY
Fine. Welcome to Jimmy and Jonny Versus The –
Microphone static cuts him off
JIMMY
Are you kidding?! I so nearly had it that time
JEFF
What’s this ‘it’ you claim to nearly possess?
JIMMY
The clown from –
ALL
Your life
JEFF
I feel like listening to that back may help with your performance
…
ALEXA
Believe me, nothing can help with that performance. Best just
forget it ever happened and move on with our lives
JESS
So, who’s next in line for the woodchipper?
JONNY
No need to call Jeff names like that …
ALEXA
It was you, wasn’t it
JONNY
Fine, mom. I’ll go
JEFF
Whenever you’re ready
JONNY
Welcome to Jonny and Jonny versus the – what the fuck is
that?
ALEXA
Hmm?
JIMMY
Also you said Jonny twice?
JONNY
You brought a spider in here! And I’m supposed to be fine with
that
JESS
Hey, don’t be rude, I’m trying my best
JIMMY
Do you know, it’s only just occurred to me that these aren’t very
audio-friendly
JONNY
Or just very ‘friendly’ friendly! Put it away and stop making it
dance!
JIMMY
Spider pig … spider pig …
ALEXA
And to think when you set up this series of jokes you thought it
would be …
JONNY
It’s Valentines day! It was supposed to be—
JESS
The thing was supposed to become an ironic rom-com. And yet, you
became a joke instead
JONNY
So it’s a wrong-com
JIMMY
Oh, I see. Everyone else can be the butt of jokes but not you?
JONNY
This is a coordinated attack, it’s hardly fair
JIMMY
And what have we learnt about expectations?
JONNY
Wait a minute, did you have a point you were trying to make?
ALEXA
Well, obviously
JONNY
Which is?
JIMMY
Think about it for a second
A loud bang sound, as Jimmy squashes the
now-useless spider
JONNY
Wow, that was unforgiving
JIMMY
The audience sees us the way I just saw the spider. We perform,
then we get squished. And, your original plan would have been a good
idea, at least as far as the audience is concerned
JONNY
You keep saying the ‘audience’ like people are paying us to be
here
JIMMY
Oh, right. There’s no sponsor this week. Because they have done,
in the past. And may do so again, in the future. But, do you see? We
have to exert control over this, or they’ll do it for us. And we’ll keep
making the show they want because it’s profitable – rather than the show
we want because it’s fun
ALEXA
Sometimes making the show is fun
JIMMY
But do you want to be enjoying making the show, or enjoying the
show we’re making
ALEXA
If it’s not fun, we’d stop
JEFF
You guys done with your heart to heart nonsense? We’re still
recording …
JONNY
I said it before?
JEFF
You said the line wrong then audibly screamed. In what way was
that a good recording? On second thought, you may have a point …
JONNY
(In complete monotone) Welcome to Jimmy and Jonny Versus The
World. I wish I was fucking dead
JIMMY
I’d join you, apparently there’s a half price deal, only one of
you needs a coin for the ferryman, the other’s free
JONNY
From the prison of eternal life …
ALEXA
And cut!
JONNY
Oh yeah, right.
JEFF
Maybe doing some research or something would give you some ideas
ALEXA
There was an award ceremony not long ago
JONNY
Where’s this going?
JIMMY
Not to an award ceremony, that’s for sure
ALEXA
Quite right, we’re only number 20 on ‘top podcasts nobody would
listen to’ …
JESS
They have a poll for that?
JIMMY
And, more importantly, how many shows are on it?
ALEXA
Well, it was supposed to be a top 10 thing, but they get to ten
and it jumps to twenty
JONNY
Oof, they could have just left us out. That would have been nicer
JEFF
But maybe you can … use this, somehow? In your recordings?
JIMMY
Are you trying to capitalise on our pain?
JEFF
Pain does you no good if you can’t articulate it. Surely you know
that? Nobody will interact with product that’s just indeterminate
screaming
JIMMY
That might explain why I get no emails from my agent
JONNY
I got one of your email replies by accident once, and it just
read ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah’. So yeah, that may be part, or all,
of the issue here
JESS
Was it really called ‘top podcasts nobody would listen to’?
ALEXA
Well, no … the name might have been something more along the
lines of ‘Best new podcasts of the year’
JIMMY
And were you lying about the number as well?
JONNY
This really is an emotional rollercoaster
JESS
And it’s Valentines Day
JIMMY
What’s that got to do with anything, I never had one
JONNY
I was trying to change that, but someone got in the way
ALEXA
Well, excuse me, what if neither of us wanted to be set up?
JESS
If anyone wants to be set up, I’ll frame you for murder
JONNY
We’ve seen your corpse act. There was too much commentary
JESS
Sometimes, dead men do tell tales
ALEXA
Even if you wish they wouldn’t
JIMMY
Is that pantomime still going?
JESS
(Simultaneous) Nah, it finished after Christmas
ALEXA
(Simultaneous) But this one still is
JIMMY
Lets rewind a second. We were in line, at a not inconsiderable
placing, for an award – and we’re only hearing about this now?
JONNY
Seems a little manipulative, if you ask me
ALEXA
And trying to set me and Jimmy –
JIMMY
(Simultaneous) Jimmy and I
JONNY
(Simultaneous) Jimmy and I
JESS
(Simultaneous) Jimmy and I
ALEXA
-- shut up, all of you – as a joke isn’t manipulative to you?
JONNY
Okay, you may have a point there. But the people watching this
have expectations
JIMMY
And haven’t we spent the last little while growing tired of
those?
JONNY
I haven’t
JIMMY
Oh, so it must be just me then
JEFF
Anyway, I hate to interrupt all the fun, but who was next? Maybe
one of you can be good at something
JIMMY
Ouch
JONNY
Oof
ALEXA
Damn
JESS
All right, I’ll go then. Show you what this is made of
JIMMY
(Under his breath) Carbon, mostly
JEFF
Right this way …
JONNY
No fair, why does she get a whole extra space to record the line
JEFF
Because it’s more likely to be good
JONNY
… he’s right, but he shouldn’t say it
A pause for a few seconds, then in the quiet--
ALEXA
Soooooo
JIMMY
Yup
JONNY
Yeee
ALEXA
Are we gonna discuss the whole set up thing?
JONNY
I just thought it would be funny
JIMMY
Yes, but why? We engage in comedy enough to know how jokes work
JESS
(From the distance) They don’t, in your case
JIMMY
Rude, get back to work—anyway, the joke construction wasn’t quite
there, was it
ALEXA
Yeah it almost seemed like you were trying to say something
JONNY
I just thought the audience would want--
JIMMY
Is this the kind of show that gives the audience what they want?
If it is, then it’s also the show that has enough of a following to have
some money, or some benefits, or something at least. The most I can say
we’ve ‘gotten out of’ this whole experience is being able to record a
show in our rooms, and we would have been able to do that anyway.
JONNY
The punchline must be close, surely
JIMMY
To your face, maybe
JONNY
Funny you should bring that up, cos I got another poll I wanted
to discuss
JIMMY
People from Poland?
JONNY
Nah, this one was a Best Male Broadcaster one
JIMMY
Me, obviously
JESS
(In the distance) Agreed!
ALEXA
Yeah, sorry Jonny, but we can’t argue with the facts
JONNY
There’s a whole segment of the population that have made it their
business to do exactly that for the last two years, and what have we
done about that?
ALEXA
That doesn’t mean we should join them
JIMMY
Are we going to ever hear Jess’ recording
JONNY
They might only show us what was recorded once everyone does
theirs and we decide what the titles will actually be
ALEXA
Yeah, most likely it’ll be the Easter broadcast that uses it
first
JIMMY
And possibly last
JONNY
Jess has been away a while, mine only took like a minute
JEFF
(In the distance) She keeps interrupting herself to yell at you
lot-
JEFF
(Quieter) Oh shit, I ruined that one. You know what, we can work
with what we have. That was … fine
JIMMY
I’m sorry, you what
JEFF
I said I ruined that take
JONNY
So even you make mistakes
JEFF
Fine, whatever. We were going to edit it anyway
ALEXA
It was basically on track, too
JIMMY
Wait, I probably should have asked someone early on – what is the
actual goal for what this is supposed to be like?
ALEXA
Well, what I thought of was like a bit where all of our
collective voiceovers were cut together
JIMMY
Which is basically how we present ourselves anyway, so I guess
that makes sense
JONNY
And the audience would probably find a title sequence like that
interesting
JESS
Or at least tolerable
JIMMY
So we do have a plan? And, more than that, it’s actually a decent
idea? Like this is the kind of thing that would actually seem like a
well-constructed media product? Like, I always thought we could maybe do
it if we tried, but then everyone else seemed unwilling
JONNY
Maybe we should get on the same page here. That might be what’s
causing the problem. I always intended for this to be a comedy show –
JIMMY
Of course, in these times we need it –
JONNY
-- but there was never going to be more than that. Your
monologues and stuff seem to be trying to make a point
ALEXA
But don’t you see? The fact this exists at all is already making
the point. We could have just stopped after the first six. Or even just
the first one. I considered it, but then Jonny showed me what the plan
was …
JIMMY
So why didn’t you tell me the plan?
JONNY
It’s important that the jokes are constructed this way. You had
to be unaware
JIMMY
Are you sure this is actually what you’ve done
JONNY
I mean, I might have had help …
JESS
With putting shoes on, yes
JONNY
Hey! It isn’t your part, yet
JIMMY
(Pause) Wait a second, is this a comedy bit?
JONNY
(Pause) … Maybe?
JIMMY
Meaning what?
JONNY
Well, I had to redo the pranks from earlier, didn’t I?
JIMMY
(Exasperated) So even the genuine-sounding reveal bit is a joke
to you? Then you don’t get what the issue here is
JEFF
Hate to be that guy—
JIMMY
You are that guy! Right now you represent everything wrong with
the version of society we’ve been forced to live in
JEFF
And yet, I’m the one being paid to be here
JIMMY
(Pause) I’m sorry, that was a little sharp
JEFF
Alexa, it’s still your voiceover time
ALEXA
I … I reckon we could just do it here
JEFF
Okay …
ALEXA
(Slightly robotic, but not especially noticeable) Hello, I’m
Alexa and welcome to the show
JEFF
I take it, that’s what we’re going with?
ALEXA
Yup – it’s like what Jonny said, we’d be able to edit something
together with what we have so far, and it should be good
JIMMY
Worth looking at, I guess.
JESS
It’s weird, there’s been all this talk of pranks, but nobody
actually got … pranked at all
JIMMY
Oh, really – your microphone was off this whole time.
JESS
But I saw the waveforms
ALEXA
I know it’s summer, but we’re not at the beach just now
JESS
No, on the audio devices
JONNY
We can make it look like it’s real when it isn’t
JESS
Why would you do that?
JONNY
To make you admit you’re in love with me
JESS
The hell would I do that?
JONNY
Do what?
JESS
Say that – wait, this is one of your tricks. You want me to use
the words ‘I’m in love with you’ in a sen – fuck, fuck, fuck
JIMMY
Gottem. Now all we need is that editing software we’ve been
talking about this whole time
ALEXA
Oh, Jonny, since we’re talking about that stuff, you might need
to explain the flowers
JONNY
Oh yeh, those are artificial –
JIMMY
They look more like artichokes
JESS
I guess if you want to claim ‘commitment to the bit’ here, then
that’s fine I guess
ALEXA
Maybe we could just use irony?
JONNY
My clothes aren’t that bad – wait, what do you mean?
ALEXA
To get the audience to leave us alone. If nobody knows if any of
it is true or not, then they won’t bother to ask
JONNY
Or they’ll ask all the time
ALEXA
What, the clickbait-population? You think they care enough to ask
whether something is true or not. It’d be more likely they just report
what we say as true. So then it becomes like that logic puzzle
JIMMY
One guard always tells the truth and one always lies?
JESS
Yeah, except there’s four of us and the ‘true’ one and the ‘lie’
one swap at random
ALEXA
We could just ask that they stop
JIMMY
(Simultaneous) Nah
JESS
(Simultaneous) Nah
JONNY
Nah, where’s the fun in that?
ALEXA
Guys – fuck, it’s getting late, we should finish up –
JONNY
(Sarcastic) Nearly your bedtime?
JIMMY
(Genuine) Nearly your bedtime?
ALEXA
I just had one more poll to bring up, we were in Best Female
Broadcaster as well …
JIMMY
I bet I won that one
ALEXA
So who do you guys think is better at this?
JONNY
Jess is quite good, but she’s just someone who shows up when she
wants to
JIMMY
That’s exactly the argument I’d use to be pro-Jess. She doesn’t
even have to be here, but she is and does it well
ALEXA
So a split vote. Hooray.
JEFF
… okay? So I’ll be in touch with the intro in a month or so
ALEXA
Okay, right, yes, um. So I guess that’s it for now. See you all
when we get around to the next broadcast. We’ll let you know when that
is …
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
JONNY
Well that was a thing
JIMMY
Yeah that happened
ALEXA
I’m already blocking it out
JESS
You may need to find an alternate explanation for the flowers
ALEXA
Nah, nah, nah that part was a joke
JONNY
Just what the audience wanted to see
JIMMY
Gotta keep them entertained somehow
JONNY
That’s all it was
JESS
Proving that they can’t force stuff on us
JONNY
Yeah
ALEXA
You had something you wanted to discuss, Jon?
JIMMY
Wait, you gave his nickname a nickname?
ALEXA
I call people what I damn well please sweetheart
JIMMY
I mean, on the one hand; sweetheart
JONNY
And in the other, here’s the knife you just got stabbed with – in
case you wanted it back
JIMMY
Yeah, that remark was barbed …
ALEXA
Then stop trying to police what I say
JIMMY
But what you do is fair game apparently. At least if it makes the
audience happy. (Quieter) Pet names from a robot …
ALEXA
If i were a) a robot, b) inclined to give you a pet name and c)
the type to use pet names, yours would be 'lowest priority’ (Long pause)
Anyway, we were trying to discuss
JONNY
Yeah, if this is how this whole thing is going to continue, we
might need to make some changes
ALEXA
On top of the ones we already did?
JONNY
Yeah. I mean, we’re locked in for the planning session in Easter
and the game in June; but after that …
ALEXA
I haven’t thought this through at all, but what if we recruited
someone else?
JONNY
What, like someone new? Where would we find them?
JIMMY
The same bargain basement bin we found you in?
JONNY
Listen here you little sh-
The audio cuts out unexpectedly, as though the
entire setup was disrupted by Jonny’s movement.
Pause
Exaggerated sound of technical systems
rebooting. The cast harmonise with each other similar to a barbershop
quartet
JONNY
Postscript
JIMMY
Postscript
ALEXA
Postscript
JESS
Postscript
JIMMY
In the post-production time for this episode, we looked at
schedules again and it turns out nobody is free in April. So we, uhh,
will use existing characters, I guess?
JONNY
A bit boring, but what can do you do …
JESS
All this talk of giving people what they want
ALEXA
If what people, and by people I mean us, want is free time, then
I don’t think we’ll ever get what we want
JIMMY
Yeah. I wanted to make a whole new character, but we can’t, I
guess …
ALEXA
Sounds like our approach to this show since Christmas. Oh, we
actually found a guy to come in as an apprentice
JESS
Name’s Jason. Wait, will that mean we need to re-record the
titles?
JONNY
Ehh, we’ll figure that out later. Jason will have his character
ready by June, which will be when this is gonna happen
JESS
(Simultaneous) We hope
ALEXA
(Simultaneous) We hope
JIMMY
So, yeah, see you all in June for more of the same, I guess
JONNY
Could have sounded more hyped about it
JIMMY
We’ve all admitted we wanted it to change but couldn’t make it
work. So it seems like we’re stuck either doing things as we are – or
with a considerable downtime –
ALEXA
-- which we won’t recover from
JESS
All of which doesn’t concern the listeners
JIMMY
(Simultaneous) And even if it does, we don’t care
JONNY
(Simultaneous) Oh wait, we’re still live? Crap …
Click
JIMMY
The following program contains language and references
JONNY
Of an adult nature?
JIMMY
No, just language and references
JONNY
Oh, cool. What are we referring to?
JIMMY
Probably Jesus. Given that it’s Easter. Or at least it should
have been when we had this session …
JONNY
Do we have to? Use language?
JIMMY
No
JONNY
Then I won’t
JIMMY
Cool. Fine. Okay. Welcome to Jimmy and Jonny Versus the
World. The following broadcast doesn’t contain language or
references
JONNY
So then what does it contain?
JIMMY
Content our viewers wanted to watch. And also the preparation
work for future content our viewers may want to watch. Or whatever
it is you lot decide to do
JONNY
All that without using language or references?
JIMMY
Apparently so. I predict we’ll be finished in about five
minutes
JONNY
Or someone will have figured out how to mime on the radio
JIMMY
Why’d you say ‘or’? You mean ‘and’.
JONNY
Let’s go – the faster we start, the sooner we can finish
JIMMY
Don’t need to tell me twice
<BEGINNING OF JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
Upbeat music, slightly louder than it should be
JIMMY
Wel-
JONNY
-come
ALEXA
To
JIMMY
Jimmy
JESS
And
JONNY
Jonny
ALEXA
Ver-
JESS
-Sus
JIMMY
(Background noise) Lmao, you said sus
ALEXA
The …
JONNY
World!
There’s a background crash, then …
JONNY
Dammit, so nearly had it that time!
JESS
Yeah I guess that’ll have to do
<END OF
JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
ALEXA
Welcome back
JIMMY
That last episode was … quite something
JONNY
Yup. At least we know what the viewers want now
ALEXA
Although I could do without the threat of being stopped at no
notice whatsoever
JIMMY
I suppose that’s just the world we’ve apparently signed up
for
JONNY
You don’t seem like you’re in a good mood
JIMMY
Would you be? We’re just trying to have fun here – and it
was. The thing used to be fun, but now I;m not sure if this is worth
staying
JONNY
Well, we don’t want you to leave. And we’re here, right now,
trying to have fun. So, if I may go off-script, or break character,
or whatever for a second, I would advise you to think a bit more
about it before deciding anything, and we can do this – and have fun
while we do – and then we’ll see what happens after. And if you
really decide that it’s just no fun anymore –
JESS
You’re acting like this has come up before – this is
literally the first I’m hearing of it
ALEXA
Also is this character development for Jonny? That might be
the most words you’ve ever said in one go before
JESS
Speaking of character development –
JIMMY
Ah yup. Two notices. One – we didn’t get time to do the
character dev session for the campaign in April, so we’re gonna do
it now.
JONNY
And two – we have a new friend
JASON
Yeah, hi, I’m Jason. I, uh … made a character called
K’churlat
JIMMY
K’churlat?
JONNY
K’churlat?
JASON
Yeah, he’s a dwarf priest
JIMMY
Cool, it’s just an odd name
JASON
Yeah, so I’m the intern
JIMMY
And yet, I don’t have any coffees …
JASON
So hopefully I’ll learn something over this and then steal
your job
JIMMY
It’s not stealing if I give it up. And I take it we’re all
playing the same characters as last time
JESS
That wasn’t necessarily my plan, but that works
JONNY
Certainly faster
ALEXA
Okay, so a direct sequel to the last time, gotcha
JIMMY
We ready?
JONNY
Yep. Let’s go
JASON
Sure, not even really sure what this is or anything, but I’ll
pick it up
ALEXA
That’s the spirit
JASON
No, that’s vodka
JESS
Aaaaand you’ve made your first joke. So we’re off.
Just so
we’re all caught up on characters – Jimmy is playing a gnome cleric
called Dwyfol, Jonny is playing a tiefling rogue called Klagen,
Alexa is playing a tiefling warlock called Crow, and Jason is as
discussed above – dwarf priest called K’churlat. I’m Game Master,
obviously.
You guys may remember where we got to last time, the
party of three fought their way through treacherous land to a tower
where a cult run by a dragon had taken hold, fought the dragon then
left, having presumably disbanded the cult after the death of the
dragon. So, surely they would realise the effect this reptile had
exerted on them.
JIMMY
Oh, no
JESS
Surely. So that’s where the last session finished up. We‘ll
begin this session as the party walks away from the mess they
created, hopes and dreams intact.
JONNY
I don’t like where this is going
JESS
Can I have an active perception roll?
JONNY
From?
JESS
Yes, you.
JONNY
Oh. 18.
JESS
Damn, I was hoping you’d fuck it up. Sure. Okay, whatever.
You see a lone cultist racing after you as you head away from the
tower, the rest of them being largely distracted by other things
JIMMY
We should probably rest for a bit here –
JONNY
No! No! I mean, yes, but I saw a guy! He’s following at more
speed than you’d think
JIMMY
Oh? Wanting to ambush? We could attack him instead
ALEXA
I mean, we could try. If that was what you thought
JIMMY
I vote we do it
JONNY
Sure
JESS
So the party finds somewhere to hide and wait for this
gentleman to show up. They wait for … actually, can I have a
survival check?
JIMMY
Wait, from who?
JESS
I’ll take it from Jason
JASON
8
JESS
Does this change the party’s plan at all?
JONNY
What do you mean? Are we going to attack Jason? Because yes
that would change the plan
JIMMY
Oh well, we committed to the dumbest possible timeline now,
so I guess we’re stuck like this …
JESS
You bicker amongst yourselves about … whatever it may have
been, and eventually you all forget why you’re even camped here.
JASON
And then I show up? How do I find the party?
JESS
Can I have a stealth check?
JASON
16
JESS
You find them not expecting you, an interesting turn of
events because they were the ones that stopped, waiting for you
JASON
Hello, I – uh …
JIMMY
Attack!
JASON
No! Please – I saw what you did with the dragon and I …
JIMMY
Too late, I hit him, unarmed strike
JESS
Sure, that’s one point of damage
ALEXA
I think we should hear him out
JASON
Please! Listen to the woman!
JIMMY
Bet you’ve never said those words in that order before
JASON
No! Please! We aren’t here by choice – we – we –
JONNY
I unarmed strike him also
JESS
This time roll a strength saving throw. He’s ready for you
JONNY
16
JESS
Yup. Another point of damage. You can see a tooth came loose
from that hit
ALEXA
If you aren’t here by choice, then why?
JASON
We-! The dragon has a hoard-!
JIMMY
Tale as old as time. You just wanted to steal it, then you
got taken in too
JASON
No! We were kidnapped the same as everyone else
JONNY
I raise a hand menacingly “Tell me why that is related to the
dragon’s hoard”
JASON
It’s not – it’s not an ordinary hoard
ALEXA
Then what is it?
JONNY
I move the hand closer to the man’s face
JASON
It’s a hoard of houses! We don’t have a choice, it’s our
whole livelihoods!
JIMMY
Klagen, lower the hand
JONNY
What seriously? You’re listening to
that?
JIMMY
Lower the hand
JONNY
Fine, mom
JIMMY
What if we had a deal for you …
JESS
The cultist looks at you with … hope. You’re not entirely
convinced you’ve seen it before. Or any living human face look like
that.
JASON
“Are … are you sure? Then we’d be free?”
JIMMY
Let us discuss. Then we may be able to help you.
JESS
The cultist slumps to the ground, waiting for his
as-yet-undecided fate. He doesn’t seem confident. As the party moves
away from him so it doesn’t seem they discuss whether he should be
alive or not right in front of him, he relaxes slightly.
JIMMY
Now, we seem to be faced with a choice…
JONNY
Let the traitorous cultist go back to his friends and tell
them all about us – or we just kill him
JIMMY
That certainly seems like a … harsh … choice
JONNY
Well, what else do you have?
ALEXA
There’s also the –
JIMMY
Oh, I’d forgotten you were playing…
ALEXA
-- rude. There’s also the thing of whether we go back into
the camp or not
JASON
My family’s still down there. And countless others
JONNY
(Under his breath) Surely there’s a count?
JASON
What was that?
JONNY
Mind ya business, you’re over there
ALEXA
At the very least if we can get to the bottom of the whole
hoard situation, then we might get some riches out of it
JIMMY
Or just a very annoying little friend
JASON
I can hear you
JONNY
Sometimes we can still hear his voice
JESS
At this point, as the party continues to bicker amongst
itself and seem to be getting nowhere near a resolution, there are a
large collection of screams, all neatly harmonised –
JIMMY
Wow, that’s quite a detail to put in there
JESS
- followed by a loud bang and screams that you could, also
neatly harmonised between the young and old – hear from your current
position. The whole camp seems to shudder in response, almost like,
as the cultist is saying, the base itself is built above the hoard
and it is uneven and shifting its weight around
JONNY
Klagen looks over at the pathetic, helpless cultist
JASON
Wow, why are you guys being so rude?
JONNY
And then seems to decide. “Let’s help this man save the
families that are under us.”
JASON
Oh! So, you will help!
ALEXA
Well, we’re adventurers, it’s what we do.
JASON
The ones that saved Waterdeep from –
JIMMY
The floods, yeah. Kind of ironic. Or almost ironic, anyway.
But yeah, that’s us
JASON
Did you ever pick a party name?
JIMMY
We don’t have to, you knew us from reputation
JASON
If we can get the word out that it’s you guys helping, that’s
going to make it so much easier
ALEXA
Well, if they’re stuck, they’re stuck. Do you seriously think
it’ll help?
JASON
“Well” – you can see the cultist straightening up as the hope
comes back into his face – “it’ll be a factor. Might not be a help”
ALEXA
But it’s a start
JIMMY
Onwards?
JONNY
Onwards.
JESS
As the party head out from their hiding spot with their new
friend, they think about how exactly it is that they’re going to
achieve what they want, given that the only person who knows where
anything is with any great sense of accuracy is the current butt of
all their jokes. And, I would assume, some kind of initiation would
follow.
JIMMY
We can roleplay that whole thing, if it’s okay?
JESS
It’s always okay. This is a role-playing game. So, what would
the party like to do? Or say? Or … whatever?
JASON
So – so you’ll help me
JIMMY
Tell us where we need to go and then we’ll see if the plan
will work
JASON
I meant the other guy, cos like, this whole deal seemed to be
something he didn’t want
JONNY
Fine, I guess. If the others want to help you, then we’ll do
our best I suppose. Just beware, there may be some hazing rituals
still to come in the future
JASON
Which is what the expression ‘still to come’ means
JONNY
What was that?
JASON
Nothing, nevermind
JESS
Roll a deception check
JASON
You stay out of this
JONNY
Who are you yelling at?
JASON
Uhhhhhh … God? (Pause) You wanted a … deception roll?
JESS
Yeah
JASON
17
JESS
Now, Jonny, roll to oppose it – this is just a D-20
JONNY
Natural 1
JESS
O-kay. So Dwyfol buys your brush-off and no fight is started.
In fact, he assumes you’re starting to talk about the plan already
and gets you to slow down and start again while he’s ready this time
JONNY
(Sigh)
JASON
So, the houses are all under the camp. To the point that I’m
not entirely sure that the whole camp isn’t made out of houses, even
the ones that are above ground. What I can say is the above ground
ones aren’t lived in. Those are the ones that the dragon uses –
JIMMY
Used. We dealt with the bastard
JASON
Oh, yeah. Now you say it I remember there was a commotion,
then everyone panicked and nobody was allowed to talk to anyone
inside or out.
JONNY
So they got scared that the communications operation they had
going on was disintegrating and then froze the whole thing
ALEXA
Like a lake in winter
JESS
Well, if you remember the last one-shot, the river wasn’t
frozen at any point anymore
JIMMY
Because of the dragon deciding that it shouldn’t be. We never
did solve that particular mystery
JONNY
But it’s not an issue anymore. So what? We’re finding a way
to get in and then gonna take it from there?
ALEXA
We’re adventurers, that’s what we do
JASON
Wait a minute, there’s only like one group of people … ever …
in this city that would have called themselves adventurers
JONNY
Yes, we’re that group, but please don’t bang on about it
JASON
No but don’t you see – that could help convince people that
they need rescuing from the hell they live in
ALEXA
Oh! I get it, adventurers come in and upend their way of life
and they have no choice but to accept it
JASON
“Not – not quite…” You can see that the description of an
adventuring party’s actions as being not entirely beneficial has
thrown … the cultist --
JESS
You can use your name in these situations. The party may not
know you but we do
JASON
-- K’churlat … off his game a little. He was expecting rather
more buy-in
JIMMY
Right, so we’re good to go
JASON
… why don’t you guys want to be recognised as a party?
JONNY
It causes more problems than it solves. Trust me
JESS
The party head deeper into the camp but all seems quiet for
now. There are a small number of guards circulating on the
battlements above, but they’re more concerned with the dragon that’s
conspicuously dead near to the camp than to a party of four
adventurers – one of which may or may not be in their uniform – that
sneak inside. Actually, let’s just see if you don’t make any noise.
Could I get stealth rolls please, from everyone?
JIMMY
17
JONNY
19
JASON
4
ALEXA
6
JESS
The guards … notice K’churlat. The arnour is not light. But
they brush it off, and along with Crow, they just sort of assume
they’ve taken an uncooperative group of captives, and just sort of
leave you to it. So, you’re in. What next?
ALEXA
We rescue the people
JESS
Ah, good old
one-sentence-statement-simplifies-half-a-day-of-plot. Okay, so …
what? You guys just head off into the camp to rescue the people?
JIMMY
Wait, did we rest between now and the last dragon encounter?
JONNY
You mean the one nine months ago?
JIMMY
A good point, but that doesn’t mean we’ll get a rest by
default
ALEXA
Also true. Hmm. I think we should rest first
JESS
Right here?
JASON
I can keep watch
JONNY
Ah yes, because we trust you
JIMMY
What else do we have – apart from exhaustion?
JONNY
Fine. I’ll take watch too
JASON
(Under his breath) Kill me now
JONNY
What?
JASON
Nothing
JESS
So you lot sit guard while the rest camp. Let’s say, just for
ease of … my will to live … that what this means is that everyone in
the party except for K’churlat and Klagen –
JONNY
Need one more K character …
JESS
Shh, yes, right fine, perhaps. You two take a short rest,
everyone else is a long rest. Nothing else happens, unless anyone
else wants to give me attitude
JONNY
Technically compliance is an attitude too
JESS
Roll a d20 to see if –
JONNY
I am so sorry, your majesty and promise I will think about my
words and how they may affect the people around me in future
JESS
The sarcastic tone is noted, but that is the lesson I was
going for. Would be a pity if it only applied to this game
ALEXA
Wait; DM – a question – are you, or are you not, trying to
condition Jonny into being a better person with math rocks?
JESS
I’m not saying that’s what I’m doing, all I’m saying is …
Jess shakes a bag which is in the distance of the microphone
JONNY
Ooh, dice
JESS
See?
JONNY
Back in character now. Phwoosh
JIMMY
What the hell was that phwoosh noise
JONNY
Me getting into character. You know, like a vacuum
JIMMY
Because you can’t … get back out?
JONNY
Come on lads, we need to –
JESS
Not a lad
ALEXA
Not a lad
JONNY
Ladies and laddies – we have some enslaved idiots to rescue
JIMMY
Just had a thought –
JESS
Oh thank God, a player with a thought – we have missed you
JIMMY
-- all the dragon’s cultists will still be enslaved, right?
Like, even if we say the dragon is dead, they won’t be much use to
us, will they?
JONNY
That’ll be where our star power comes in
JIMMY
Oh no, I really don’t want to do it that way
JONNY
As you quite rightly point out, there may be no other way to
get them to listen
JIMMY
I really wish you weren’t right. It’s perfectly possible that
we’re just going to leave these people here
JASON
Only if we try everything and it all fails
JIMMY
Yeah, yeah whatever. So we get them to spout something new?
JONNY
Unlikely, we just need to poke enough holes in the lie that
they can see it for the veil which it is
JESS
Wow, that was almost a decent metaphor
JIMMY
At least the dragon’s dead, so we’re only fighting the memory
of a dragon
JASON
And it’s manifesto
JONNY
Mhmm. So we all get it. Shall we get started?
JESS
You know where the camp is so you head deeper into the small
fortress and avoid detection for the most part until you start to
see people in varying stages of poverty cluster in small groups.
They think you’re one of them, so they don’t really mind all that
much. Can I have a group charisma saving throw?
JASON
… it’s not good – 2
JESS
You get noticed by a lone guard as he is on patrol in the
area, so some nearby cultists flock around you like a moth around a
light bulb, batting their wings against it
JIMMY
Wings? Are these guys not human?
JESS
Sorry, I was letting my metaphors get away from me …
Aaaanyway, so you get noticed by a guard. What do you do?
JIMMY
Freeze
JESS
He calls over to you; “Whatcha doin there?”
JIMMY
I – uh – just kidnapping some hostages
JESS
You – what? O-kay… I’m gonna need to see some ID
JIMMY
“ID? I think you want to see my … AXE IN YOUR FACE!” And then
I hit him
JESS
… sure. I’d planned for combat, definitely … roll to hit
JIMMY
16
JESS
(Sigh) Yup. That hits. Roll for damage
JIMMY
5
JESS
“Ow! What the hell man!” And I’m gonna need everyone else to
roll initiative
JONNY
Dwyfol, what the hell, man
JIMMY
Cleric’s gotta do what a – BONK
JONNY
6
ALEXA
2
JASON
4
JIMMY
I see, this is gonna be short and then we’ll finish by being
all dead
JONNY
I don’t know what you were thinking
JIMMY
I just wanted to spread the Good Word of our Lord and
Saviour. This is basically what the Americans do
JESS
He rolled a 13, by the way – so he’s up next. Simple
shortsword attack, easy stuff. 12 to hit, aimed at Dwyfol; as the
only one who’s nearby
JIMMY
That hits, dammit
JESS
Five damage total
JONNY
Please tell me this encounter isn’t going to just be
five-damage blows all the way down
JESS
As a bonus action, the guard is gonna yell out for help, but
nobody except the kidnapped townspeople are nearby. You can see them
looking over at you in a confused manner, wondering if it’s worth
getting involved. But they stay out of it for now. Klagen’s next –
JONNY
I’ll cover the distance between us, and attack with my dagger
– 18 to hit – 3 damage
JESS
You notice he’s not looking good … and there are more and
more people gathering around. K’churlat?
JASON
I use my action to … “These people are not your friends …
they have sat by and watched you be kidnapped, extorted and
manipulated for the gain of a being that’s not even around any
more.”
JESS
At that point, you hear a ripple through the forming crowd.
“Not around?”
JASON
The dragon is dead and it’s the doing of my adventuring party
here, we can save you and return the world to the way it was before
you were ripped from your lives
JESS
A small voice comes back “but our lives are here?”
JASON
But they don’t need to be, and we can fix that. The first
step is freedom, then the rest of the staircase will follow
JIMMY
Your metaphor may be a little mixed
JASON
Ah, like my vodka
JESS
You know what? That was one hell of a speech, so I’ll let you
have it. This combat’s over. The villagers step forward, but it’s in
your defence now, and the guard raises his hands (weapon included)
in surrender. You hear whospers of a ritual that was scheduled to
take place that afternoon
JIMMY
Can I ask the man if he knows anything about the ritual?
JESS
Make an intimidation check, please?
JIMMY
13
JESS
The guard just laughs at you as you ask. “You’ll have to wait
and see. I suspect we’ll all be there in some form or other …” And
he’s led away to an as-yet-obscure fate. Leaving you lot standing in
the middle of this camp wondering what just happened. One of the
nearby villagers says “I can show you where we all live if that’s
what you’re after?” So, what do you do now?
JASON
Well, I have a wife and kids that need saving
ALEXA
Wife and kids? Ew, mission aborted –
JIMMY
Keep it in your pants, Crow. So, we follow the villager and
see where we end up
JESS
Okay, before we set off, can I have a group survival check?
JIMMY
I’ll roll it, my stats are the best
JONNY
Okay, sure. We happy with that
JASON
Fine, whatever. I just need my family back
JONNY
There was a whole series once, I forget its name, where a guy
just wanted to throw a ring in a mountain. So that doesn’t exactly
mean it’ll all be over and easy
JIMMY
True, but the dragon’s a non-issue so it’s a start. We just
have to remind them what they stand for … fuck. I rolled a 6.
JESS
All good, you just get lost on the way to the hoard. The
villagers point you in the right direction and you head lower into
the ground beneath this camp. Seems like and odd place for a den,
but you realise why as you go. This is all mostly because you’d be
expecting a big pile of treasure – much like what you saw high up in
that tower window, like the bumper vault edition of that – but
instead what you see is a thin latex, or mucus-but-hardened,
substance that stretches around in a maybe 100 square metre ball in
all directions from this hole in the ground. And you can see through
this massive opaque enclosure. Then immediately wish you couldn’t.
Whole houses, or parts of houses, just stacked on top of each other
in any which way – like a whole village had been scooped up into a
sack and carried off with little regard for structural integrity of
any thing within. Or this thing called foundations. Or … anything at
all. In the circumstances, you are amazed that the whole
quasi-community isn’t dead, or that the whole thing has maintained
even a little bit of its structural integrity. In some cases, you
can clearly see the foundations of the houses on top punch through
the kitchens of the ones below. But, for the most part, these people
have managed to stabilise themselves in this new community and find
a way to live
JASON
I can show you where our house is
JIMMY
So they just built a fortress on top of this? There are
people down here – alive people.
JASON
Yes, but that’s not it – I need to show you the egg
ALEXA
Egg?
JIMMY
My point was mostly how can any of it be stable?
JASON
Best guess is that this was the courtyard of the fortress, so
the fortress itself isn’t affected by that there’s a 200-metre deep
hole in it
JESS
And, as you keep walking, you see that the enclosure is
carefully encasing an egg. A bit like bubble wrap, with houses and
mucus protecting it from the outside world. Larger than any of the
houses around it by a distance, you get the impression that this is
what the dragon was protecting – and forcing the villagers to
protect also – with all of their lives.
JIMMY
So, how are we gonna de-program this village?
ALEXA
There must be something happening here because of the dragon,
or the egg. Some reason the cult wasn’t immediately de-programmed on
the death of the dragon. Wait, do dragons have arcana abilities?
JESS
Roll a history, or arcana check. Whichever you thing
ALEXA
Arcana, 16
JESS
Yes, there is a low-level telepathic field emanating from
this dragon in particular
ALEXA
Can I send a message using it?
JESS
You are a level 6 Warlock, you don’t know any spells that
would help here. How exactly do you plan to communicate with the
dragon?
ALEXA
I knock on the egg
JESS
I’m gonna need a wisdom saving throw, with disadvantage, for
that
ALEXA
16, and 11. So, take the 11, I guess.
JESS
Meeting is beating, so I guess that’s a success. You hear in
your mind a small, still somehow deep and not at all childlike, but
nothing like the fully grown dragons – voice say ‘I’m sleeping here,
what do you want?’ How do you reply?
ALEXA
Well, there’s some people just trying to live here and
they’ve been kidnapped and used as protection for you
JESS
The dragon thinks about this, and replies; “Not very good
protection if you ask me – you still got here.”
ALEXA
That’s all the more reason to let them go from your spell
JESS
“A couple of things,” the voice in your head goes, “it’s not
my spell, for one; and for
two, I could just kill them all and it would achieve the same result
ALEXA
Except something stopped your … father? … from killing them,
and you’ll probably do the same. So, please, just let them go
JESS
I’m not holding them here, that was something else. You’ll
have to attack that it its source to truly solve the issue. But as
far as I’m concerned they can go
JIMMY
Because you already have the houses. You have what you need
JESS
“Houses? Oh, you mean this stuff –” the dragon didn’t so much
gesticulate at the surrounding area, but he produced a thought
pattern that could be interpreted in that manner. “Yes, that is all
I truly need. Padding.”
JONNY
So these aren’t even people to you – they’re just … things
JESS
They have a purpose, and beyond that, I choose not to
speculate
ALEXA
But they’ve fulfilled their purpose, so let them go
JESS
Their purpose was to insulate and keep me asleep, but here I
am – awake. Your definition of ‘served their purpose’ is confusing.
I should kill them right now.
ALEXA
But … you won’t?
JESS
Ahem, hang on a second, let’s roll for it.
JONNY
Wow, really?
JIMMY
Okay, leaving it totally up to dice
ALEXA
High roll means attack, low roll means no bother
JIMMY
Roll for enthusiasm
JESS
7. So, no attack
JASON
So, let’s go
JESS
Sure, take your puny humans and go. See how far you get
JASON
I’ll go get my family and stuff, then meet you back here –
JIMMY
Wait a minute, just to see if –
JASON
I wasn’t asking
JIMMY
F- fine. See you in – oh. Gone already
JESS
As he walks off, you – actually, perception rolls?
JIMMY
Natural 1, so fuck me I guess
JONNY
13. No thanks
JASON
A 2. Well, shit, I guess we’re dying
ALEXA
3. Oh no.
JESS
Klagen, and only Klagen, hears a gurgling in the distance
JONNY
Guys – do you hear that?
JESS
That would be the sound of an incoming flood. You notice that
even in the time you were speaking with the dragon, the street has
cleared out. Almost like the people were expecting something like
this, and have prepared, even as they are liberated from whatever
thoughts bind them here
JIMMY
To be fair, we don’t even know if they’re liberated. (Sighs)
Look at us. Playing stupid games for money. This can’t be all there
is
JONNY
But it is all that I am
ALEXA
You guys need to get it together, we’re still on stream
JONNY
Right, let’s existentiate after
JESS
You find yourselves standing in an empty road in front of the
house ball, as a guard passes and notices that you don’t quite fit
JONNY
What are you looking at?
JESS
Intimidation roll?
JONNY
3. Wow, the dice really hate me today
JESS
“You’re coming with me.” The guard marches the whole party
into a small room, and as soon as they arrive more, and more guards
pile in – looking at the guard that brought you in as though he’s a
leader. “This for the ritual, boss?”
ALEXA
Tell me why the people have been brainwashed
JESS
Persuasion roll, please
ALEXA
16.
JESS
Oh, nice. The guard looks at you and says with a twinkle in
his eye that you can’t quite place “The dragon never brainwashed
anyone, we want to be here. The only way to stop this will be to
finish us”
ALEXA
Wait, but that means the houses were
built like that
JIMMY
Or at least re-arranged after being put there
JESS
So, roll initiative, I guess
JASON
3
JIMMY
2
ALEXA
15
JONNY
8
JESS
A real mixed bag, there. Just a heads-up, there’s some fun
mechanics in this fight, what they are isn’t important just now
ALEXA
I look at the room of six interrogators, and eldritch blast
the nearest one on the left. 14 to hit?
JESS
Yep
ALEXA
And 6 damage. I then say to the assembled idiots, ‘we know
there are families here, are you saying that you have knowingly
exploited the people in those groups that had no choice?
JESS
Ooh, persuasion roll as a bonus action. I’m soooooo close to
giving you Inspiration for that
ALEXA
Inspiration? Wow, you really have been reading up
JESS
Yeah, you could’ve gotten advantage on one roll, if you’d
just been a little more persua—oh I see. You’re mocking me. As per
usual, I guess
ALEXA
I rolled a 3
JIMMY
Of course you did. Oh well, an action’s an action – what did
the six roll in initiative, anyway?
JESS
6, 9 –
JONNY
Nice
JESS
Grow up, then a 13, 7, 5, and 12. That’s in order left to
right. So it’s left-middle’s turn. Dagger attack on Dwyfol, 4 to
hit, nope, okay. Far right tries the same manoeuvre, but on Klagen
and -- 6 – fails. Hah, I
get to say the far right failed. Second from the left tries to
attack Crow with a shortsword – an 8 misses. You can see they’re
getting a bit desperate. Now, Klagen
JONNY
Dagger attack on the dickhead that tried to attack me –
that’s a natural 20 to hit, and 4 damage
JESS
Nice, this group – you get the idea that this is a group
which wasn’t expecting to be so easily overpowered, but two members
have been non-trivially hit in just this round so far
JIMMY
So they’re bloodied?
JESS
The first guy, yes. Second isn’t quite. Now it’s mister
rolled-a-7’s turn. Tries a good old fashioned dagger attack on
K’churlat and rolls a natural one. Okay. So he – does 6 damage to
rolled-a-5
JONNY
Lol, they’re hurting each other instead of us
JESS
Quite significantly, it turns out. Rolled-a-six tries a
dagger attack on Dwyfol, rolls a 13 and does 7 points of damage.
Which, I do believe is the first damage we’ve gotten so far …
Rolled-a-5 rolls a nine on a dagger attack aimed at K’churlat, so
never mind. K’churlat’s turn
JASON
Guys – stop! If it’s all you fighting amongst yourselves, can
we not agree at the very least to stop this? Why must we all be so
convinced of what we think is true – the dragon, or whatever, was
lying to you!
JESS
The interrogating party seems to consider your viewpoint, and
then reject it, drawing their swords higher as they advance. “The
ritual must go ahead. We promised.” Then someone knocks at the door.
There is a loud off-camera knock at the door, and Alexa flinches
audibly, presumably bumping one of the buttons on her desktop
because the soundscape is overtaken by the credit music.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD CREDITS>
JESS
I don’t know what happened there
JONNY
Happened where?
JESS
In this show
JIMMY
How far back are we talking?
JESS
All of it? I actually meant why the credits played just then
JIMMY
Oh that’s what that was. I thought it was just my internal
monologue
JONNY
So I feature in your internal monologue?
JIMMY
I can neither confirm nor confirm
JESS
But you could deny – so why didn’t you
JIMMY
Don’t worry about it
ALEXA
You’ll miss doing the show though, right?
JIMMY
You won’t be able to get rid of me, if that’s what you mean
JONNY
So you’ll stay?
JIMMY
No, I meant personally. As far as the show’s concerned, let’s
bounce
JESS
Speaking of bouncing – as you finish watching the last of the
interrogator guys go through the physics engine that this game has
by boinking off the floor – you hear a loud knock at the door right
exactly when it would be the hardest to clean up. Knock, knock, kno
--
There is a loud knock at the door of the studio, followed by an equally
loud splintering sound as the door comes down from its pride of
place on the wall. Loud yelling then enters the soundscape, first
clearly far away from the microphone, then louder as it gets closer.
Over the building cacophony of noise, you hear;
JESS
What’s happening, I don’t understa—
Then the noise gets too loud to distinguish even the core cast’s voices
in the room any more. After another, particularly loud, bang – the
audio cuts out.
Next time on … Jimmy and Jonny Versus The World;
A presenter sits at a desk, not unlike a
newsreader – except this is clearly just some guy in his parent’s
basement. Or maybe his bedroom, but if that’s the case, he leads a
very disappointing life.
“Hello, I’m Richard Brandname, and in
this episode of Virgin Media, we’ll be looking at the newest fad
podcast ‘Jimmy and Jonny Versus The World’; who they are, what they
want, and why exactly is it that they’re lying to us? Yes, that’s
right – they have a hidden agenda that I’ll expose with secret
messages found from a source. Obviously I can’t say who. And we may
even uncover links to a secret conspiracy as we dig deeper …”
ALEXA
I’ve heard some rumours about our … arrangements, and I think it’s time
that I sort these out for the certain … spheres of the fandom which have
propagated these arguments. I just … for all that it looked like we were
just riding along … there was a plan. A bad one. But there was. We
promise. And especially now you have access to the full transcripts – in
a nice little book, no less – we thought we could pinpoint the parts in
the process that changes were happening, and explain them a little. Yes,
the book is out now, available in all good bookstores – but no, I’ve
gone off track – I don’t really appreciate the accusations and made up
stuff going around. So I’ll explain what the truth is. Seriously, hey,
the world’s about to break, so just let us have this please …
<BEGINNING OF JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
Upbeat music, slightly louder than it should be
JIMMY Wel-
JONNY -come
ALEXA To
PRESENTER The Debunking Of
JIMMY Jimmy
JESS
And
JONNY Jonny
ALEXA
Ver-
JESS
-Sus
JIMMY
(Background noise) Lmao, you said sus
ALEXA The
…
JONNY World!
There’s a background crash, then …
JONNY Dammit,
so nearly had it that time!
JESS
Yeah I guess that’ll have to do
PRESENTER What a fucking joke …
<END OF JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
Jess stood in the centre of the frame. That might have been the first
thing you noticed. That you could, actually, for the first time ever,
see her. And that she was, unashamedly in the dead centre of the frame.
Jess and Alexa had taken the executive decision to try Youtubing, and
see whether that would be a success. Or a promotion tool. Or …
something. Jess had about ten different drafts of a script strewn across
the desk in front of her – but that was to be expected; they were making
a show in one format they’d never tried before, which – by necessity –
also needed to talk about this other show in a second ‘new’ format which
they’d also never tried before. If you were prone to motion sickness
from such things, you might have found the irony dizzying. The frame of
Jess freezes right before she starts to talk and then another voice
takes over. This voice is heavily modulated, so any idea of the original
speaker’s vocal cadence is gone.
PRESENTER You may have seen the recent announcement on Youtube
that the podcast Jimmy and Jonny Versus the World would be ending after
the next broadcast and then there was no further announced reason for
it, but somehow there was an advertisement for their new book? That
makes me feel that there must be something going on. So I did a big of
digging, then was asked by the neighbours what the hell I was doing
trying to get under the fence. I found a few items of interest, and will
share them here – all of these point to that there’s something dodgy
happening that we should investigate.
Then a sudden shift in the frame to a lone, masked figure siting at a
desk. He shuffled some papers.
PRESENTER Here’s some correspondence where they decided to
continue the show despite external pressures; let’s call this ‘The
Middle of a Mess’. Try and spot the issues – I’ll give some hints at the
end. I managed to find … copies of these that had actually been read
out, so here’s the gossip – straight from their own mouths. And no,
you’re not allowed to ask where I got it
The frame changes again, to a series of slowly shifting VFX shots
with the text being read aloud showing up on screen. These are clearly
excerpts from a group chat, procured by as-yet-unclear means. Possibly a
reliable source. Or, possibly – more likely, even – a social media post
generator. No way to tell from the VFX-heavy experience you’ve been
provided with. The voices in these clips are mashed together from words
as they’ve been used in-stream in the past.
ALEXA
We’re recording tomorrow – everyone all good?
JESS
Yup J
JONNY I think
so, just need to re-read the character sheet
JIMMY Look, I
get where you’re coming from – really, I do. But I definitely think this
is it for me
ALEXA
Yeah, but are you good to go for the recording that you agreed to?
JIMMY Oh, yeah.
And I got in touch with Jason, he’s got a character
ALEXA
Good luck to him
JIMMY Don’t you
guys feel like we’re too old for this?
JONNY In what
way? Like that we should have left this sort of thing in University?
JIMMY Something
like that. Perhaps I’m projecting or something. Maybe what I mean is
that I feel like I should have left this in university
ALEXA But
we didn’t even have this in University
JESS
And nobody would have listened, even if we had
JIMMY But
that’s the whole thing. The last few years have meant that just anyone
can say whatever they want, and I’m not totally sure that many people
have much worth saying
JONNY So … down
with podcasting?
JESS
That’s mostly the big corporates that have allowed that. Give you all
this ‘choice’ and then engineer a market so nobody listens to any of it
anyway
The frame on-screen begins to show a message by ‘JASON’, which looks
like it says ‘Yeah my character is ready. Such an honour to join :D’;
but cuts away and back to the studio before it begins reading. Having
successfully semi-executed the first cutaway to pre-recorded material,
the Presenter who was live-recording these letter readouts shuffled his
papers. Were it possible to see underneath the mask, he would have
looked smug. But, as is the nature of such things, the mask he’d put up
– quite literally – was not an easy one to remove. Not least because it
was, on closer inspection, slightly too small. And had elastic around
the back. If nothing else, that’d hurt his head to take off. Or ego. Or
pride, such as it was.
PRESENTER Ahem. Sorry, I should have cut that earlier – but
anyway. Um. I don’t really understand why they wanted to stop. Or that
they had a replacement and didn’t think to consult the fanbase. Seems
disrespectful that they never held an open call for if anyone wanted to
step in. They just seemed confident that they were right picking a
replacement – and I’m not so sure. Because we can actually add some
context to that by going further back; some correspondence before the
session we – they, oops – just had – ‘The Denouement of a Disaster’.
This is also a section of group chat provided by my source.
The frame is again taken up with the slow-moving text of the group
chat narrated by a manipulated voiceover from the podcast. Whatever
could be said about this guy – he was clearly thorough, and equally
clearly biased in his presentation.
JIMMY You guys
sure it’s good to do this?
JONNY In what
way? This is exactly what we’ve done before …
JIMMY But
people are starting to get more … annoyed by our existence than not
ALEXA So
I guess the question is, are we doing it for them, for us, or for you?
JESS
Well that was a direct question …
ALEXA
Yeah, sorry, but the point still is
JIMMY What if I
bring a new guy in with the next session? So that you guys can keep
going?
JONNYY But how will we know
who
ALEXA
#NepotismIsReal
JESS
Tell me about it
JONNY Oh yeah,
sometimes I forget you’re sisters. Got another sibling we can exploit?
ALEXA Um,
no. And certainly not if you put it like that
JIMMY But we
have to know them, surely. I don’t want you guys to be put on the wrong
track
ALEXA
Yeah, we have an audience now – failure would be global in scale right
now
JONNY Might
need to think on it a bit
JESS
I could put out an ad?
ALEXA
Don’t want the hassle of a whole ‘thing’
JONNY I know a
guy who’s a prominent fan that really gets the show, he’ll be good. We
can just add him --
Jason is added to the chat
The frame cuts back to a close-up of Jess. This frame behaves in much
the same way as a freeze-frame, in that it stubbornly refused to move
afterwards. Although, in this case, the behaviour seemed a lot more in
line with a technical malfunction than a deliberate feature of the text.
PRESENTER If you’ve stayed with us for this long, you might see
what I’m trying to do here -- I’m actually just trying to illustrate the
process involved in creating this thing and how there were clearly
biases in play – and making it really obvious how it changed over time
by going backwards each time. This … may start to show how they were
accepting corporate money to say objectionable things about the fans who
just wanted good content, no matter what the cost of it was. Something I
like to call; ‘The End of an Error’. This was from the broadcasts of
their first live roleplaying game, so right when the fandom grew.
JONNY Jimmy,
I thought we knew what we were doing. But instead, we seemed to have
started something, certainly with that last series. Certainly bigger
than just us, but I don’t know the exact size. Not really complaining
though, it’s nice most of the time. Well, some of the time. This whole
fame, or whatever, thing is a mixed bag. I don’t want to complain about
the fact that people watch our content. That’s always wonderful and I
wish they would continue – just, only in their own spaces? That seems to
be the biggest issue I noticed, aside from the lack of time. And the
fact that now we’re expected to be able to … do stuff? We’re not actors,
and that seems to be an issue. Again, not to say I’d stop. But it …
means changes may be necessary, in the long run. Not least, that we
probably can’t do any more series. Which, in a way … is sad. This
podcast was designed to help us … as much as other people I suppose …
and in a way it can’t do that any more. But on the other hand it’s
helped too many people too much, and we’ve got no more free time. So, we
got exactly what we wanted, right? Something to do, and someone to do it
for? I may sound unconvinced, and it’s because I am. I’ll need you to
convince me on this the next time we meet up. At this point, it seems
like it may be before Christmas. I guess, my final thoughts are thus;
what do we do now? Do we take advantage of the wave? Or do we let it
die? It certainly feels like we’re at the beginning of something – maybe
our most successful format is just that we do whatever we want and
people watch whether we want them to or not. People seem to like the
conflict stuff, but the issue with that is that … we don’t. It seems I
end this project as we started it; confused about what the hell people
want. Maybe that’s the point – we can’t predict so we shouldn’t try.
I’ll think on this and when we meet I may have some ideas. Our original
point was basically that anyone could do it, and that’s patently untrue
as we proved early on – but the fact is that we also figured out that
we, in fact, can do this. Not exactly the conclusion I was headed
towards, but a conclusion, nevertheless.
Thanks for giving it a go,
Jonny
The frame cut back to the presenter, as he again changed the piece of
paper he was looking at. He looked up towards the camera, in-mask, and
it almost seemed as though these last few were messages he was guilty
about sharing. Or at least that there was a certain level of reluctance
to showing these, where there had not been previously. Nevertheless,
after an almost imperceptible hesitation, he continued with the package
he’d clearly prepared in advance.
PRESENTER And finally, the bottom of the proverbial rabbit hole
-- notes from before they started at all: I think a good name for this
would be ‘The Beginning of a Blunder’. You can really see the
beginnings of this and how they just wanted to try something. I wish
they’d been able to continue with that energy through the later stages
when the fandom grew, but it became all about sponsorship and getting a
bigger and better studio. But, at the very beginning at least – these
last two were just letters between friends about a project well
executed. Or at least it was … good enough. Proved what they wanted it
to.
JIMMY Jonny.
So, I had a thought at 3 this morning. We should make a podcast.
It’s easy, right? People just say whatever they want? As far as I can
see, it would only need to be us that did it. Actually, maybe we would
need someone to make sure we were doing it correctly, but that would be
it. No planning required by us (that would be the other person’s job)
and we can just show up and talk. That would work? Then after we get
famous we can use the podcast to actually promote proper things (or
whatever, it doesn’t really matter what that is). I reckon we could
start testing out the format in like a week. Worst case is we just stop
after one. So, in reality, we’ll probably just stop doing this after
one. But it would be a good thing to try. Right now, at like 7 in the
morning, while I write this before I forget it – if we discussed an –ism
in every episode that might be a starting point? Or at least something
to have some direction. Could call it ‘The –Ism Prism Schism’ or … not.
Now I’ve written that down I never want to see it again. Contemplating
deleting all of this so I never have to see it. But yeah, a name like
that and just general chats. Just like a blog, but without the hassle of
writing it down. And with added hassles of, say, putting it on the apps
where people get podcasts. If those sorts of things have quality
control, we’ll be in a total mess. Tell me what you think – or, even if
you don’t, let me know.
Yeah whatever,
Jimmy
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD CREDITS>
The frame fades back in to the guy at the desk, now unmasked. It is
Jason, not that the Youtube viewers would necessarily have known this.
Point of fact, he almost seemed slightly confused to have gotten this
far in the live broadcast. One of his first, most likely. The main
change that would have tipped viewers off to his identity was the sudden
removal of the voice modulation that had been going on for the first bit
of the video, leaving only his natural voice, one that could be heard
through the Easter broadcast.
JASON
Now, I know what you’ll be thinking. Why? I may have answers for you
some day. But not this day.
Thanks for staying with me through that
whole found-footage reel of correspondence unrelated to anything that’s
ever actually happened on-stream; even though it definitely … influenced
the things that did. Apologies also, for streaming this … it’s
essentially a clip show – or a view of the cutting room floor – but
anyway, apologies for doing it backwards. That might have been unfair.
Almost as though we’re retreating down a rabbit hole to unwind something
… or to hide from something else. You’ll be hearing from us (and that is
a threat). But, perhaps not in the way you expect …
Click
Next time on … Jimmy and Jonny Versus The World;
An
identity under threat. A show under attack. A group about to be
separated. A knock at the door …
With Jeff producing from behind the
scenes, and Jason suddenly missing in action, the team will need to
figure out why their circumstances have changed so much in such a short
time, and how they’ll get out of this direct attack on their identity.
All with no time for planning or rest. Straight into the next combat
encounter …
Previously on Jimmy and Jonny Versus the World.
Some people might have said their social experiment would fail. In
fact, those same people probably said it failed anyway. Nevertheless, a
group of people trying to point a point of some kind had made
approximately 20 episodes of a show that, it could be argued, some
people had watched.
Note the heavy reliance on arguing. It’ll come in
handy later.
Initially recording in isolation along with the rest of
the world, the podcast started mostly as a way to hang out over the
internet, despite the fact that other people were watching. But, at some
point along the way, the team realised that a) they were ‘a team’ now,
and b) that the audience they were trying to entertain was most
entertained when they pretended that they were not, in fact, a team.
Is this the show we want? They asked. They did so while experimenting
with various formats and settling on an improvised tabletop game format
not dissimilar to improvised theatre. Or improvised
being-a-dramatic-bitch. Whichever your preference may have been.
And
they played this format once only, before realising the earlier ways
were easier to produce on their timeframe. Mostly because they could be
performed in only one hour. Or at least edited to look as such. After a
few specials the earlier format started to grate, exactly as it had done
early on. And so, because history abhors a vacuum, and seems to
prefer washing machines instead repeat the same cycle multiple
times.
In all of this relatively explicit moralising, the audience
had begun to see that the format of their ‘favourite’ show was changing.
Notable instances involving fan encounters had happened early on, but as
the team became busier, the struggle became to stay afloat. To deal with
the possibility that their failure would be global in scale.
The
second round of the game started and all seemed well, until the plot of
this game seemed to turn on its audience and compare them to a cult.
Whatever was to follow, it was started by the in-game event of someone
knocking on a door …
And now you’re all caught up with this. And hubris appeared to have
all caught up with them …
<BEGINNING OF JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
Upbeat music, slightly louder than it should be
JIMMY Wel-
JONNY -come
ALEXA To
JIMMY Jimmy
JESS
And
JONNY Jonny
ALEXA
Ver-
JESS
-Sus
JIMMY
(Background noise) Lmao, you said sus
ALEXA The
…
JONNY World!
There’s a background crash, then …
JONNY Dammit,
so nearly had it that time!
JESS
Yeah I guess that’ll have to do
<END OF JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD TITLES>
Producing by Zoom call, and on a, perhaps two-second, delay from the
action, Jeff was really sure what had happened. It seemed to be going so
well.
Then someone had, not unreasonably – Jeff thought – knocked
politely at the door. Jason stiffened.
He knows something.
Jeff tried to flag the team down, but was met with a Jess who was not
going to stop narration any time soon – and then internet which wasn’t
going to connect before the next French Revolution.
Which, as it
turned out, would be roughly at the end of this sentence.
JESS
—Someone knocked at the door
Jess finished her sentence, and then looked up from the table that
the team of four were sat at. Consider in sequence, Jimmy with short
brown hair and a hunch – although maybe that was just his current
sitting position; Jonny with bright blue eyes and the look of a stunned
mullet; Alexa with neatly matching dress and earrings and some other
stuff probably that we may come back to some day – and Jess herself, who
was the fastest to react, leapt to her feet and shouted
JESS
Quick, get behind the desks – we can use then as a shel-
She only got halfway through before the door that had been so
politely knocked at was flung open and a steady, rather fast moving
stream of people entered the room, with an uncoordinated, yet still very
– obtrusively – loud cry of obscenities.
Note the plurality there.
Obscenities, not all the same. As though this whole manoeuvre hadn’t
been rehearsed in advance. Because of course it hadn’t been.
Have an
idea, scream about it, get ignored, find their address, scream louder.
At the very least that seemed to be the process for these things.
Jimmy and Jonny decided rather quickly (which makes it seem like an
active decision – the only way to get out of this situation would be to
literally escape. Somehow. They’d find a way.
The mob had encroached
the main recording area, but seemed flummoxed by the very idea of a desk
and how to get around it. Certainly the one idiot who tried to vault
over the desk, and failed, was left prone, to be trampled by all of his
equally thoughtless compatriots.
JIMMY We need a –
Jimmy moved instinctively towards Alexa
JONNY - plan. Yep.
Jonny towards Jess.
JASON Guys! Hel-
Jason never reached the end of his sentence before the mob grew
around him and seemed to swallow him whole.
Jimmy yanked a microphone
stand out of the desk, somehow. He’d never be able to replicate this
particular feat of human strength again. Using the newly acquired staff
like a weapon to clear the protesters away from them towards the exit.
He didn’t have time to look behind him, but several voices making
exclamations in pain suggested Jonny had done something similar. At the
very least both Alexa and Jess were safe.
Not that they could do much
to help themselves at this point. Both seemed stuck in a daze, mostly of
the ‘we haven’t deliberately offended anyone so what the hell’ variety.
Somewhat miraculously (or at least that was how it seemed) a hatch
seemed to be procured in the floorspace, and the crew of six (including
Jeff and Jason) filed through.
The team found themselves in a hatch
clearly meant for maintenance workers but nobody else. Alarmingly, the
bolthole had a lock on it. Ironically, this lock wasn’t a bolt.
And
it was here that the party could finally, locked in their current
position, re-group.
Jimmy led the discussion.
JIMMY What the fuck are we going
to do?
Jonny was – perhaps this could be understandable for some reason –
still rather amped up.
JONNY Look, I’m sorry, but we
don’t have time for that – they’re outside
Jason, trying his best to fit in, even though he’d only got here a
couple of hours ago.
JASON What should we do
then?
Jonny shut the line of thought down faster and more efficiently than
the ending of an episode of the podcast. Not a high bar to clear, to be
honest.
JONNY That’s just re-asking the question.”
JIMMY If we’re uncoordinated, we’ll quite
literally die. And if we’re coordinated, it wastes time. So it looks
like we have a choice of two bad things
JONNY Like doing the show versus not doing
the show
JIMMY I guess we have to decide who we are in
the next ten seconds, then commit to that view of ourselves for the rest
of our lives
JONNY Or the rest of this conversation,
whichever comes first
ALEXA Wait a minute, you’re acting like this
is an attack on our identity
Jimmy’s response was cut off by a particularly loud object smacking
against the door. Jimmy looked up, and noted with growing dread, a
hairline fracture in the wood which constituted the team’s only chance
at safety.
JIMMY And you think it isn’t? The only
difference between us calling it an attack on our identity, and whatever
the fuck that is – is that they don’t care about our identity. They care
about the value they get from us and that’s all.
JONNY So, we abandon ship?
JIMMY We have to. For now, at least. The only
question is whether we come back to it
Jonny finished the discussion with one line, like he had presumably
wanted to all along – while putting the small wooden miniature figure
they had used for Klagen in the game in his pocket. Jimmy noticed the
movement.
JIMMY What was that?
JONNY We won’t be back here. And I really,
really – truly have enjoyed this
JESS Yeah I’m sorry
if-
Jess found the words she had been looking for over the last little
while.
JIMMY No. I won’t accept that.
JESS —if my GM style
was rushed. It’s just I thought we might never get to do it again. And I
really like it. And also wanted to finish the story. Looks like we may
never get to, after all
JIMMY Let’s worry about that later. Right
now, we need to get out of here. And once we’re safe we’ll figure out
the long term. The apology is still rejected
Jimmy seemed more acutely aware than the other three combined of the
impact that broadcasting would have on them. Resolute, as though he’d
not so much planned for this, as allowed for it in his plan.
Alexa seemed slightly shellshocked.
ALEXA Bu-but, our stuff …
JIMMY Look, we have to worry about us, first
Jimmy was still thinking faster than the rest of the team combined,
and had gotten over this particular hurdle a while back.
ALEXA They – they just –
It didn’t seem like Alexa wasn’t going to be operational at any point
in the near future.
JIMMY Here, just …
Jimmy held out a hand, waiting for a response from the unresponsive.
One second, then two.
Then she took his hand, and sniffed.
ALEXA … fine. Help me …
Jimmy looked at the other two, who both had the look of grim
determination only common to people who’ve had their identities
destroyed and see no immediate way to change that. “So, what do we do
now?”
JIMMY Where’s Jason?
JONNY Oh, crap. He’s … must be
somewhere. He’ll be fine, I hope.
*
Jason lost sight of the team rather more quickly than he’d hoped. He
should have kept trackers on them or something. The crowd rushed into
the small recording room, interrupting a previously quiet game, until it
was standing room only – and then even more. Once the room was packed
tighter than sardines into a subway carriage, one of the rioters passed
a message through the crowd.
Where had they gone?
The
search for the cast was on. They must have used one of the exits.
JASON Guys!
Jason tried to yell over the cacophony of enormous noise and cries of
‘Get them!’
JASON Guys!
Still nothing.
We have to remember what we came here for.
As one of the rioters ran past him, and he realised that perhaps his
instructions had been less clear than he’d wanted, he heard the man say;
“this is what Richard would have wanted.”
Richard Brandname.
He’d been using that nickname for months posting videos. Maybe he’d just
forgotten the audience on them …
*
Jimmy led the team down a hidden corridor off the back of the closet
they’d locked themselves in. Broadcasting facilities had these, so that
people could quietly get from one set to another – mostly used by
stagehands to help with setup. Or beleaguered broadcasters dealing with
a riot. No more than ten minutes later, they found themselves outside
the facility and able to survey the damage – both present and potential
future.
Alexa was the first with a question.
ALEXA Why did we survive
that?
A long, considered pause. Then Jonny, almost as though he was
surprised by the ingenuity of his reply.
JONNY Wait, it’s because it was
our turn
Jess chipped in at this point, seeking clarification.
JESS
So, what you’re saying is, we’re in the game?
Jimmy shot that argument down with a high persuasion roll (his
modifier being +3 or something).
JIMMY Of course not you fucking
walnuts
Jonny returned to his original question.
JONNY So how then?
An actual, serious reply from Jimmy.
JIMMY I dunno, people are stupid
I guess …
Serious answer, it may have been; but it still wasn’t much help.
JONNY Care to elaborate?
He regretted his word choice immediately.
JIMMY What other kind of person
would do this? Most proper people have real jobs. Look at this lot of
idiots storming into the creation facility for content they don’t like.
They could just … I mean, there’s the whole internet. Why must these
people be so actively concerned with a perceived lack in quality of a
product that wasn’t, it must be said, that high quality in the first
place – that they storm the facility?
JONNY But quality was never the
point –
Jess tried to finish the argument that had started three series and
three specials ago.
JESS
Correct, because friendship was the point. So the place we end up at is
one where friendship as a concept, even if it’s with people I like, is
no longer fun.
JONNY Wow
Jonny seemed slightly stunned by the monologuing.
JONNY Never thought of that. Up
until … maybe twenty minutes ago, it was fun
JIMMY Yeah, this is why I’ve been
saying I wanted to leave for months.
JONNY Oh.
The pin dropped for Jonny, who had, prior to this exchange, been
wilfully misinterpreting the other exchanges like this.
JIMMY I’m not judging you, but –
JONNY Now I get it, you wanted to
‘grow up’ but it wasn’t about growing up. It was about growing out…
JIMMY My waistline says excuse
you
JONNY Not what I meant…
JIMMY I know, I know. Yeah, it
got to the point where we weren’t making enough money for it to be
worthwhile posting useless content on the internet
In a first-of-its-kind manoeuvre, Jonny’s brain seemed to be working
now.
JONNY So, the real question is,
how do we get out of this?
JESS
We?
JIMMY Yes, we. This is a team
thing. We’re all stuck in it until we can fix it
ALEXA So, what do we do?
*
Jason had only been tasked with returning the podcast to its former
glory. He wasn’t even that fond of the people that had asked him to do
it, but they had – and mutual interests will make friends whether you
wish it to or not – so he did as they’d asked. The main issue was that
Jimmy, Jonny, and the women, were nice. The podcast had actually
been enjoyable. In equal parts, Jason regretted saying yes to doing that
one episode – but would have also regretted not being a part. Seems like
regrets are par for the course at this stage. And now the genie was out
of the bottle. Or the genie had punched someone in the face. Or
whichever metaphor was the best fit.
JASON So what do I do?
He asked aloud, at nobody in particular. Most of the crowd didn’t
even hear him. They were too busy trying to do damage to property that
was unrelated to their objective. In the back of his vision, he could
see a security guard approaching the mob with his cronies, in much the
manner a police car would approach a cyclone in order to arrest it for
public destruction.
GUY
You break things!
The one guy that had been listening was … no help.
Jason
sighed.
JASON Do I though?
GUY
Wait, you’re that guy …
JASON I need out of here.
GUY
Want some help with that?
Jason seemed to have made a friend at a riot with a guy he’d never
seen before, but had clearly seen him. At the very least there might
have been some irony in there somewhere.
*
If the team were inclined to believe in God, they would perhaps have
pictured a guy sitting at a desk looking down at the world on a board.
Rolling a dice every so often when input was required. If they had that
kind of an image in their heads, the events to follow would have been
dictated by God rolling a 7.
*
Jimmy and Jonny supported one of the women each as they all looked
around.
Leaning on Jonny’s right shoulder, Alexa suggested;
ALEXA I reckon we have ten
minutes before they stop fighting each other long enough to notice we’ve
gone.
In reality, they had ten seconds. The next people out the door of the
studio seemed disoriented, like they couldn’t quite piece the directions
they’d been given into the world that was in front of them. One of the
three people – the only woman in the group – looked over at the cast
quickly, scanning the landscape; then let out a loud ‘OI’. The other two
of her cronies then clicked on real quick.
Jimmy did his best Jason
impression; “they’re over here!”, then darted away from the three
protestors – as the group swelled to include the mindless drones nearby
that had heard someone with a brain saying an order, and followed
blindly.
Well, that strategy failed. Pity they hadn’t sent out a
decoy message somewhere to lure the protestors away from them. As they
ran – in the second batch of running within the past ten minutes – Alexa
started to slow. Possibly due to tiredness, or at least that was Jimmy’s
initial thought. He slowed to her pace to keep an eye – but she wasn’t
actually looking at where she was going. She focussed lower … on
something on the ground …
It seemed a newspaper had been pulled apart
and then left to drift in the breeze (picking up into a full proper
‘wind’ now. Jimmy, without fully breaking stride in the run – he was NOT
going to be stupider than the mindless, brainless, soulless idiots –
bent down to scoop one of the papers up.
The headline (seriously, did
you expect Jimmy to read anything more than a glance) read; Utopian Game
Turns to Disastrous Nightmare for Streamers.
He scrunched it into his
best approximation of a square and stuffed it into his best
approximation of his pocket. He’d sort it out later.
After a further
ten minutes of running, the four broadcasters stopped to catch their
breath.
JIMMY So, the news is talking
about us now.
Jimmy was out of breath. Jogging slow on purpose seemed to have take
it out of him.
ALEXA Yup, actually – let
me see that …
Alexa snatched the note she’d discovered and not yet read.
JONNY And
Jason seems to have …
Jonny was still comprehending the revelations of ten minutes ago.
ALEXA Set
us up and then cut and run. Or something.
Alexa finished, as she was reading – a look of increasing concern
creeping from top of face to bottom.
JONNY I mean,
yes, be mad – that’s fine and all – but like, if we could find him he
might be able to help.
JIMMY And how
would we find him?
Jimmy was beginning to recover his breath, and formulate a plan.
JESS
We could tell the news something that would lead him to us.
JONNY They may
already have done that. This story is alleging the breakup of a gay
relationship which fractured the team.
ALEXA Ah,
so the protestors are homophobic as well as ignorant.
Alexa seemed perplexed by the sudden turn of events, although it did
seem to explain the fandom’s general reaction – at least in a
homophobic, reactionary way.
JIMMY Why did
you say the word ‘ignorant’ twice in that sentence?
ALEXA
Fair. So we need to intercept the news which is not on our side,
and also find Jason and figure out how to stop this.
JONNY On the
plus side …
JIMMY We just
need to avoid – sorry, on the plus side?
Jimmy doubled back on himself, seemingly interrupting Jonny one time
too many in too short a timeframe.
JIMMY On the
plus side, were this to be a game, we wouldn’t be in combat right now.
JONNY But we’ve
also rolled exceedingly badly.
JIMMY If this
were a campaign, that wouldn’t stop us.
JESS
So,
Jess spoke up for the first time in a while.
JESS
What do you want to do next?
JIMMY Ah, game
master to the rescue
*
Jason was the first to realise the mob was wasting its time. He was
also, as is the Law with these things, the last to be able to let
everyone else know. By the time the rest of the mob had dispersed out of
the studio, which lay a desolate, abandoned wreck of destroyed hopes and
dreams – he found himself with a sore throat from yelling at unruly and
belligerent people that their time was being wasted. Some of the people
he spoke to counter-argued that their time was being wasted anyway, and,
like .. That’s not the win you think it is, dude.
In a weird sort of
way, Jason could see Jimmy’s point now. And, actually, by doing this in
… this exact manner – he’d made his own life about a hundred times
harder. He still had his sponsors to satisfy.
He sighed, and set his
shoulders. Sure, let’s keep going. Can’t get any worse, right?
*
JONNY Where is
Jeff in all this?
Jonny’s first question a weirdly valid one – cut down by Jimmy
JIMMY What’s he
gonna do about the mob? Point a microphone at them?
JONNY And
sometimes not even that. But yeah, point taken.
ALEXA It
doesn’t even matter …
The guys hadn’t checked in with Jess or Alexa in the last while, and
perhaps they should have. Both seemed beaten, or broken, or traumatised,
or something. But Alexa was first to speak.
JESS
We’ve lost everything over some lies …
Jess followed immediately after, Both girls seemed to be on the same
page, where that page is a message in a bottle having sunk to the bottom
of an ocean.
JIMMY Ah. But,
look, we still need to get through this.
Jimmy tried to be moralising, while also being tired, out of breath
and on the run. So it came off and desperate and faintly pathetic.
ALEXA
How, or more importantly—
JESS
—why?
The girls again posed an Alexa, then Jess one-two punch.
JONNY Well,
we’ll probably find someone who can help, and then we can regroup from
there?
Jonny finished this like it were a question. Because it was, he had
no idea how they were getting out of this.
JESS
But this was a thing we did for fun. And now there’s a mob.
Jess managed once again to make a very good point, whilst totally
sucking the life out of the room.
JIMMY Maybe
that’s the takeaway here. There’s no such thing as fun on the internet.
JONNY So, what?
Just don’t say anything?
JIMMY I, um …
Not exactly the point he’d wanted to make, and yet, exactly the one
he’d gotten stuck with, Jimmy was forced to reevaluate his stance of
freedom of expression. As this moralising is going to take some time, we
shall leave him to it – with the team fugitives from a mob that doesn’t
know why they want to catch them, we shall cut back to –
*
Jason was perhaps the first to notice the blatant contrarianism
running through the protesters. It wasn’t even because they … cared …
that they were opposing something they disagreed with. It was more that
they couldn’t have comprehended being on the opposite side of an
argument. So many half comments he heard from the rioters were just the
same ‘make them pay’ rubbish all over again. The voices of his
supervisors played over and over in his ears. Return it to its former
glory, and we’ll be happy. But why? And why hadn’t he asked these
questions before?
The last meeting with the benefactors had been very
one-sided ‘you do this, we do nothing’. Now he was to think of it,
they’d been quite manipulative. Issuing demands with no reason or basis,
and no reason for him to obey other than peer pressure. But, like a
sheep in a vacuum, he had obliged.
An announcement came over the
radio; the cast had been spotted outside the studio and would be able to
be intercepted if the riot moved quickly. Interestingly enough, they
needed no further justification; they just moved straight away. Almost
like they weren’t even thinking about what they were doing. But who
needed to think when validation was provided exactly when tasks got
completed.
That may be part of the overall issue, Jason mused,
they seem to think there’s a reward for being ‘right’ with no real
concept of what ‘right’ is.
They. Um, I guess, ‘we’, he corrected
himself. Then turned his attention to the mob of brainless idiots
following instructions from the internet. Moving towards a place that,
he had no doubt, was exactly where the cast were located. For now. They
would most likely not be there when the mob arrived.
But they
followed anyway. The social order issued instructions, and like a bullet
train in a china shop, they obliged …
*
The four broadcasters found an alleyway between two buildings to hole
down in. Oddly enough the expression ‘a hole between two buildings to
alleyway down in doesn’t work in the same way grammatically – but makes
approximately the same amount of sense overall.
JIMMY Plan. We
need a plan
JONNY Leave
here and change our faces and names then live in caravans in the plains
ALEXA We
don’t have any plains
JONNY They’re
big, and they go overhead like VROOOO—
JIMMY Stop
that, this isn’t the time
Jimmy only just managed to quiet Jonny down before a voice came from
outside;
VOICE Who’s there?
JIMMY You done fucked us up now,
you idiot child
VOICE I know you’re
in there
JIMMY Hang on a second!
ALEXA What the fuck’s that
gonna achieve?
JIMMY I don’t know I’m panicking!
JESS
YOU’RE panicking? Look where we are
JONNY Fine, fine, fine. Let’s do
something real stupid
ALEXA As per usual …
Alexa couldn’t stop herself. Sometimes the setups are just too good.
Jimmy pulled out his phone and called Jeff. The expected ‘where are you,
what happened and what the fuck’s going on’ conversation happened (with
Jeff asking the questions obviously).
JIMMY Wait, where did you end up
Jimmy finally asked. Turned out, Jeff had found a space underneath
some floorboards in the original studio and was completely convinced he
could never leave.
JIMMY Thing is, how much money—
VOICE Hurry up in
there
The voice outside was getting impatient – but not, it must be noted,
impatient enough to do anything about it.
JIMMY —we need to buy someone
off, how much can we give them
He got the answer, then opened the door for the guy. He was a
protestor, as expected. Despite not having the element of surprise, they
managed to overpower him. Jess and Alexa held him down while Jimmy
explained what they were gonna do. Not exactly the most orthodox
interrogations – but Jimmy must have rolled high in the Initiative order
or something.
They paid him the money, and convinced him to help. The
money did a lot of the heavy lifting on that one. And the general fact
that nobody had any idea what was going on.
JONNY Just one more thing I need
to check
Jonny broke into the explanations,
JONNY I need to know why we were
double-crossed
ALEXA How will you find
that out?
JONNY I need to go to … somewhere
with a screen. I have an idea
ALEXA No, you can’t, you’ll
die
JONNY I’d rather die like this
than live like that
Jonny ducked out of their hiding spot, potentially never to be seen
again.
*
The protestors had their own special, private radio network. Some
bright spark had been able to arrange that for them, without also
recognising the irony of the whole situation they were in. Perhaps
questions of his intelligence were in order. Jason heard that the cast
had been found on this private channel, which was shared by all of the
insurgents – making the approximately ten second head start worth
approximately nothing.
But then something else.
No, they couldn’t
have …
The radio was saying they’d captured Jonny.
Why’d it
have to be him? I liked Jonny. Not for the first time, Jason
wondered if he’d bitten off more than he could chew – while being
simultaneously surrounded by irrefutable evidence that was the case.
Is there something else I can do to help?
As he thought this,
weaving his way through all of the competing answers to that question,
the realisation became clearer; the only other thing he could do was to
help them.
But – he thought, for some reason arguing with
himself – that would be an unwise strategic position to be in.
Against the mob. Ah.
He was nothing if not humble. Which is to
say, while arranging this whole endeavour, he may as well have been
nothing.
Fine mom, he thought back at himself, guess I’d
better do it then.
Looking down, he realised he still had a
walkie talkie tuned to Protestor FM.
*
If this were in the game, they would have rolled deception. In fact,
let’s humour them, just for argument’s sake. Jimmy: 3. Jonny: 16, Alexa:
12, Jess: 13. And yes, those were real dice that really got rolled. Or
at least that’s the way they were conceptualising what was happening
around them. Especially considering, for the last few hours they should
have been dead, and a turn-based initiative order or something was the
only possible explanation for why they haven’t.
Alexa reached out and
grabbed Jonny’s arm before he could fully leave.
JONNY Ow! What!
ALEXA We need to dress like
each other to confuse them
JONNY Okay, “I’ll dress like Jess
Jonny was entirely too quick to volunteer that.
JESS
I refuse to be your kink fulfilment. Alexa and I can swap, and you and
Jimmy can swap
JULIAN What about me?
The new recruit – a guy called Julian – asked.
JESS
Oh, right. So Jimmy swaps with you, you swap with Jonny and Jonny can
swap with Jimmy, then Alexa and I swap
Jess seemed on top of this part of the plan.
JIMMY I mean, that works but is
still basically predictable
ALEXA That’s probably going
to be good enough
JONNY So shall we go?
Jonny, first to be ready, and still wanting to leave.
JULIAN I’ll stay here and send
the wrong messages to them so they get confused
JIMMY Ah yes, good idea. We’re
trying to get to the outskirts, so say we went back inside the studio
ALEXA Sounds good, and guys
– good luck
JULIAN I’ll meet you when we’re
free
JIMMY Okay. And thank you
Alexa looked at Jonny with something approaching admiration, as he
left the hideout for definitely the last time.
ALEXA So … onwards?
*
JASON Move away from the
studio, they probably ran off and won’t come back. And spread out to
cover more area. Over.
Jason thought that giving good-sounding-but-actually-bad advice was
the best move here. Surely they would have holed up in the studio
somewhere and even if they hadn’t, encountering a small group of
disorganised fools would be easier to deal with than the whole lot of
them.
Broadcasting is kinda fun, Jason thought, then; huh.
This was their way to express themselves wasn’t it? Then; oh.
Looking around at the mob as it fanned out, he for the first time
truly considered what inciting a mob in reaction to a media product had
achieved.
Well, for a start, absolutely nothing whatsoever – but
beyond that, the overall message of the mob had been lost in its
voraciousness.
Time for another order
“I’ve just heard that
someone saw Jimmy heading south, alone. See what you can do”
Hopefully that helps them get away except for the … one in four … chance
that they actually did head South. This is where I’m most useful, so
long as nobody – not even them – knows what I‘m doing.
The
dissenting voice in his head then interrupted, as it seemed to do fairly
often; But that just means you don’t actually know what they’re doing
either …
*
Retracing steps back along the route strewn with protest banners,
brochures and burner phones, Jonny found an – admittedly a little bit
shellshocked – newsagent that seemed able, if not entirely willing to
help. It turned out there was still some money in the Bribe Budget – so
after the guy was paid off, he seemed a little more pliable.
NEWSAGENT
When the others came in here, I thought you guys must have done
something. Like, not just something – but something big
JONNY Yeah, they seem to be okay
with lying, and unaware of the consequences
Jonny dismissed that line of questioning as quickly as he was able.
JONNY I can show you some of the stuff we’ve
done if you want?
NEWSAGENT
Don’t you have … time pressure?
JONNY If this is what it takes to show you,
then no – no, I don’t. But if you’re sold already then we can get
started …
Some time later, the newsagent had seen the absolute bare minimum of
the available content.
NEWSAGENT
Okay, so now what?
JONNY Well, just stand here, like
this – I need to broadcast something on the stream. When I get to the
end, pan to you so I can get away, and just say whatever’s in your head.
Doesn’t even have to be good.
After a curt nod from the newsagent, Jonny set himself up against one
of the walls – and then when given the go-ahead, began to speak.
JONNY Hello, as you may know …
*
Jason heard about Jonny’s newsagent stunt from one of the others,
over the same radio system he was trying to corrupt. Unreliable
narrative, then.
So, as would be advisable in such situations, he
ignored it.
Until he couldn’t, because the audacity of the thing had
taken over the entire radio channel. Various cries of ‘find that
newsagent’ and ‘find Jonny’ and ‘find yourselves for God’s sake’ (okay,
fine – that was just one guy, quietly). They hadn’t even stayed around
for the end of the announcement, which seemed to be a video. Jason
picked up a discarded phone (a cheap burner, don’t worry), and played
the attachment.
Wait. He actually did a broadcast from there? What
was he thinking?
Then, some time later, after the bulk of the
broadcast had long since finished; what the hell is this newsagent
doing? Why’s he doing a monologue like that – oh.
The last shot
of the broadcast was a tracking shot back to where Jonny had been
originally.
Where he was no longer; and the various elements of set
dressing swooshing in an unplaceable breeze.
Jason thought, my
benefactors will be so pissed. The next meeting would be a shitshow.
*
About two hours later, the team reassembled outside town, in another
shelled-out building. They must have used this one for filming things.
JIMMY So, do you think we’ve lost
them?
JONNY I think …
Jonny began an answer, which was immediately and relatively
forcefully interrupted by a hug from Jess.
JONNY I think we’ve done our
best. If we haven’t lost them now, there’s nothing we can do
As soon as he finished this sentence, he noticed a group of
protestors running in the opposite direction – to where they should have
been. Good start. Mind you, they weren’t looking for the team
cross-dressing as each other. They were looking for the team. And
not even a real one – the team that existed in their minds.
JESS
Where to now?
ALEXA We have to try and
get as far from even here as possible. There’s still a chance
JIMMY So we keep going. But it’s
looking good so far –
Jimmy only just finished the sentence in time to duck behind a wall
as another group of manic rioters ran in the opposite direction. The
radios they were carrying were loud enough that the team could make out
a voice saying instructions. ‘They’ve gone into the studio itself’.
JIMMY Well that’s … bad news for
Jeff
JONNY Shall we go?
JIMMY Sure. If we wait for them
to move on – like that – then we can go. Yes, let’s
On Jimmy’s last words, the team stood up and continued their mad dash
towards the city gates.
*
Jason heard the news through the radios. He had two now. No real idea
how or why. He’d just picked them up. Like discarded twenty dollar
bills. Or two hundred. Or whatever.
They’ve found them. And I
haven’t.
The pity party for one was getting a little tired by
this point. Jason just needed to shut up and run. Well, maybe he’d get
there. And if he didn’t then it served him; on a plate. Yes. That’s how
to end that sentence.
RADIO
THEY SAID THIS IS WHY THEY’RE STOPPING, BUT WE’RE DOING THIS BECAUSE
THEY’RE STOPPING
Ah, logic. Or just collective thought-rabies. Let’s go then.
Not a fan of physical activity, somehow Jason found himself moving
quickly through the directionless throng, like a hot knife through
jelly. Or maybe the crowd just acted as jelly would in response to the
hot knife. No way to really tell which was the cause and which was the
effect. Eventually he travelled, not entirely by his own will, through
the city gates – finding, at long last, the newsagent that had gone …
not viral, but … theoretically contagious. Sounds clunky, but hey.
Now I just need to find them …
Looking around with no obvious
course of action, Jason felt like his window of Hero-ness had closed.
*
They reached the city gates with no further issues. Not that this
ought to have been a surprise. Nobody knew what they even looked like
anymore, much less they themselves having any kind of fixed ideas about
their identity.
ALEXA Could we just check –
Alexa started to gesture towards another nearby newsagent’s.
JONNY Sure, if you think we must…
They went in, and this guy seemed a lot more … chill? Like he hadn’t
been blindsided and ransacked by the early stages of a mob.
GUY
Oh, you’re those – you’re…
He also seemed rather bad at finishing sentences. But he made up for
that rather enthusiastically by starting them. And reaching behind the
counter to pull out a stack of newspapers. Each headline was less
correct and more defamatory than the one before. Not even limited to one
specific brand of paper.
Podcast feeds the gay agenda, read
one. One wonders why they stopped – Satan?; Another. These were
hardly news. And all featured links to the same Youtube video as the
only primary source.
JESS
Well, there’s no way we can undo this now
JIMMY Nah, best hope is to hide
under a rock forever
Jess muttered.
JESS
‘Rocks fall, everyone dies’. That was always gonna be my go-to TPK in
the game
JIMMY Ah, this started as a game.
Seems so long ago…
The cast got stuck in this moment of nostalgia for just long enough
that the present caught up with them. As they left the store, Alexa
stepped into the path of – and nearly on the toes of – Jason. At long
last they’d found him.
JASON Alexa, lights out
His opening line. Really?
*
Jason felt as though the cast had gotten away. Probably a delusion,
but just one of those feelings some people have apparently. Passing
through the shops nearby the studio, he could see news reports on some
of the TVs in stores. Who needs security feeds any more?
Wait …
He
walked into the next one he saw that had a security feed tuned to the
news instead of doing its job. The owner was a Boomer. As expected.
BOOMER Have … you seen those … guys?
The boomer in question seemed to be struggling to get the sentence
out. In fact, on slightly closer inspection, he seemed hurt.
JASON I know of them, but I
haven’t found them. I’m looking too
BOOMER So are the … guys who …
The shopkeeper trailed off, then straightened up with a wince.
Bruised down the left hand side of his chest.
JASON Ah. I see they got to
you first
BOOMER I couldn’t … help … why are they so mean?
JASON Not sure
Jason shook his head, then left the store. Hadn’t found what he’d
wanted – only truths he wasn’t ready to face.
As he spun on his heel
out of the store, he bumped face-first into Alexa, and thought that the
best way to diffuse the tension between the group of four that he’d
unintentionally separated and himself, was to crack a joke.
JASON Alexa, lights out
He regretted his word choice immediately, as Alexa stepped across and
with no further warning – punched him in the face. He didn’t remember
anything after that for a while.
Badly misjudged.
*
But not as misjudged as the cop that put a hand on Alexa’s shoulder.
Without even thinking, she spun around and smacked out, connecting with
whatever description of a helmet the fuckwit was wearing.
COP
Oh, so that’s how it is
the cop snarled. A waste of an action, especially given the high
initiative roll that had clearly been associated with it.
JIMMY I think you need to back
off
Jimmy warned, moving to within striking range and holding a placard.
Jonny had upgraded, and somehow found himself a metal bar.
JONNY I cast – iron! Hehehe cast
iron
He laughed at his own joke, while beating the guard over the back of
the skull.
Needless to say, he went down like a guy hit with a metal
bar. Needless, and yet it got done anyway.
Jess used her first move
to come in closer to the group, to stay together, and prepared an action
that looked a lot like balling a fist, to an outside observer.
The
guy on the ground made an … oddly guttural groan, but otherwise offered
no form of commentary on his current domination. This seemed to have
been enough for a, larger, nearby group of policemen (four in total) to
come over.
Jimmy completed a second turn preparing his placard for
more smacking, then clumsily swinging it around. Missed. Missed
opportunity, more like.
One of the cops had a baton which was
utilised and swung at Jonny.
JONNY Ow! What the – you’re on
their side too?
Jonny wasted his action, trying to negotiate, and deal with the
bludgeoning damage.
The other two cops did not respect the fine,
noble art of turn-based combat, and took it upon themselves to attack
both Jess and Alexa at the same time. Both were, accordingly, dealt the
equivalent of 2d6 bludgeoning damage. Of course they hit harder than
they’re supposed to.
JIMMY There’s too many, we can’t
possibly take them all –
Jimmy was the only one with an actual sense of how the fight was
going, but even he was unprepared for the flying handheld radio that
smacked a policeman in the face, from the same approximate direction as
he was facing. Thrown by Jason, from his prime, exposed position of ‘on
the floor’.
JONNY Ah, ‘bout time you got on
the right side
Jonny looked over at the sudden and impactful resolution of an
existential crisis, at exactly the moment the mob rounded the corner.
*
Someone could probably spin a tale about ‘doing the right thing’ or
whatever. In fact, they may have spent fifty thousand words on it or
something. All Jason knew was he woke up seeing his friends in battle
with police who didn’t know he existed.
Hah, woke A-F, he
thought. Then stood up. Jess noticed, and nearly said something. The
awkward, frozen kind of ‘wait, you’re supposed to be somewhere else,
doing something else’ look.
Jason internally said a prayer for some
stealth or something. In response, God rolled a 19.
Jason grabbed one
of the protester’s discarded placards and held it aloft. The policeman
nearest to Jess seemed to have noticed exactly none of this; at least
until he got smacked upside the head by a poorly assembled wooden sign.
JASON Guys – I don’t have
words …
JIMMY Then help, for fuck’s sake
Jimmy yelled across the battlefield – and the fight was on.
*
As the policemen surrounded the, disguised, cast on one side, and the
mob flanked them on the other, Jimmy took a moment to consider his
impending … well, he thought about it, and that’s the important bit.
What exactly it was would be a debate among scholars for years to
come.
JIMMY They’re here
JONNY What are we going to do?
JESS
Why is it taking so long for them to attack – ow!
One of the cops remembered the stick he was carrying, and how to move
an arm.
JONNY We can’t fight them
Jonny swung his metal bar at one of the policemen, and the
frontrunners in the mob (or, brains – if you will) caught up to the cast
and started their attacks too, until Jess and Alexa found themselves in
the middle of a whole lot of people fighting for honour.
Whose
honour? Or what even is honour?
And then …
Wait a minute.
The blows aren’t even aimed --
The others had noticed it too.
Point of fact, all four of the team had lowered themselves to the ground
away from flailing arms, and noted that not only had they not been
trampled, none of them had been hit either.
That’s Jason’s radio.
The one he threw. Jonny reached forward and grabbed this device, to
look across at Jimmy and see him stealing a similar device from some
poor soul’s pocket. That guy was too busy trying to punch a cop (trying
being the operative word) to notice.
The four managed to sneak out of
the fight between protestors and the police, who by now found themselves
desperately outnumbered and unable to get any reinforcements that wanted
to be in any way involved.
JIMMY Oh, they must have thought
we were part of the –
JONNY Thanks, God. People who had
no idea who we were
JIMMY Want to stick around and
tidy up?
JONNY Fuck that, I reckon the
cops have it sorted
JIMMY Yeah, right
JONNY What? I don’t want to do it
JIMMY Fair, let’s go
JONNY Wait, you have a radio,
right?
JIMMY Yeah, sure
JONNY I wonder what these can do?
JIMMY Maybe we’ll find out
someday
Against the backdrop of enormous noise and fighting, you might think
it was necessary to be stealthy of some kind, just to avoid detection.
The party, for the sake of argument, rolled a communal 10 on that check,
and managed to get out with nobody noticing or paying them any mind at
all.
As proof of this, in a counter-check, God rolled an 8.
<JIMMY AND JONNY VERSUS THE WORLD CREDITS>
The imaginary screen fades to black, but heavily modulated audio
continues.
JIMMY Do these
even work?
JONNY Well,
that answers that question
JIMMY Huh,
score. I can hear you and everything
JONNY You safe?
JIMMY Yeah, I
think I’ve lost them. Or they’ve lost me. Depending on how self-centred
you are
JONNY Like a
chocolate
JIMMY That’s
soft-centred
JONNY That’s
rude
JIMMY Oh, that
wasn’t a weight joke. We cope in the ways we can
JONNY So what
have you been up to?
JIMMY Staying
alive
JONNY About
what you said –
JIMMY I didn’t
want to do the podcast anymore, that’s all. The quiet stuff like this
where it’s just us – eve Alexa and Jess – I still want to do if we can –
and I don’t even know if that’s a possibility anymore
JONNY We’ll
have to see I guess
JIMMY Stay
alive, get all this sorted, then we’ll see about a meetup
JONNY Not
recorded, though
JIMMY Learnt my
lesson from that one, yeah. Hey, Jon?
JONNY How has
my nickname been given a nickname? What’s up?
JIMMY You know
the radios we’re using?
JONNY Yeah?
JIMMY They have
a light on them that says ‘BR’ and flashes
JONNY Yeah,
mine does that too. I think that’s where the frequency it – oh. Oh fuck.
JIMMY Yeah I
would have thought that was the –
JONNY
(Simultaneous) Broadcast frequency
JIMMY
(Simultaneous) Broadcast frequency
JONNY Fuck,
well I guess I’m throwing these away, fun while it lasted …
JIMMY We could
pick a frequency to change it to, if you still wanted?
JONNY Sure, why
not. Let’s roll a dice, not like we’re short on those …
The audio cuts out for, presumably, the last time