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KIRI
With news of the Coronavirus spreading like wildfire (but that’s
a different sketch), scientists have informed us mere mortals that high
temperatures and alcohol have the capacity to kill the virus. One
billionaire in particular has committed to launching himself into space
with a crate of beer in an attempt to beat the virus.
FX
Sound of someone taking a microphone. Then BILLIONAIRE speaks, in
a moderate-to-bad Jeff Bezos impression.
BILLIONAIRE
Yes, I aim to launch the first rocket into space powered by beer
…
FX
Sound of the microphone being passed back.
KIRI
Powered by?
BILLIONAIRE
Yes, yes. [Volume of this line increases as he gets closer to the
microphone, indicating sharing of the one available microphone, some
shuffling noises from both characters]
KIRI
And you mentioned … going into space. Isn’t there a more cost
effective way to beat the virus?
BILLIONAIRE
The rocket will be made low-cost, don’t worry. [He speaks in
fake-PR mode] Our profit margins look healthy, I can assure you!
KIRI
Who are you talking like that for?
BILLIONAIRE
[Paranoid] They’re always watching …
KIRI
[Quickly] Who are --?
BILLIONAIRE
[Whispered] Shhhhhh don’t say it! You’ll summon them!
KIRI
And you’re getting away from them? [Pause for a second] Tap twice
for yes.
FX
Tap … tap.
KIRI
O-kay. So I’ll let you get on with it, now that the rocket’s
done, even though you only started it yesterday.
BILLIONAIRE
Same day delivery!
KIRI
Do you think your plan to escape the … virus … will work? [Sounds
of scuffling] Where are you going, come back!
BILLIONAIRE
[Further away] One small step for man, one giant leap for a badly
designed ladder!
[He sneezes gently as he boards the rocket (goes up a ladder into
the distance). There are a few creaks.]
END
KIRI
Because it’s awards season and we don’t have audio of somebody smacking
their face into a wall for five minutes, we should probably pass some
kind of comment. But, instead, Newsjack has gained access to the
classified communications from a major space shuttle in orbit around
Earth, and we thought we could just fill airtime with meaningless
rubbish.
FX
[Space atmos]
OOF
[Gravely] Major Oof, to Ground Control.
GROUND CONTROL [With mouthful]
Yo, wassup?
FX
[Object falling and hitting the floor but not breaking, loud].
OOF
Nothing, what’s up with you?
GROUND CONTROL Been watching the
Oscars. No serious disasters this evening …
OOF
Oh? You agree with the awards?
GROUND CONTROL No, I meant …
nevermind. If nothing’s the matter then I should probably …
FX
[A long, loud creak of metal]
GROUND CONTROL Are you sure
you’re fine?
OOF
Not sure about Joker being nominated for best picture.
GROUND CONTROL You were nominated
for best Astronaut and you’re a joke.
OOF
Hey! It could have been you if you’d been there.
GROUND CONTROL [Thinking on the
spot] Yeah … well … my-- cat wasn’t well and I had to help.
OOF
I don’t really like the attention either, it’s fine. But being stuck on
the ground must suck.
GROUND CONTROL What’s the view
like?
OOF
Well, there’s a wall, another wall, and if you look reeeeeally carefully
into the distance you can see a … wall. Yeah, I see your point. But
yeah, Best Picture should have been that one you used as your DP on
Facebook.
GROUND CONTROL Th-thanks, I
guess? Look, normally when people call, there’s something wrong …
FX
The call goes static-y, causing Ground Control some concern
GROUND CONTROL [With concern]
Ground Control to Major Oof! Do you copy?
OOF
[As normal] One time I mimicked a parrot. Really confused the people at
the zoo …
GROUND CONTROL [Confused] Why?
Were they judging it?
OOF
You know not everyone’s judging everybody else all of the time, right?
GROUND CONTROL Then, tell me
[with emphasis] why I lost Best Dressed at the staff awards last
year.
OOF
Everyone else was in space suits.
GROUND CONTROL Yes. Well. Right.
That’s basically the argument my parents use.
OOF
It’s not that great y’know, you’re not up here for a start.
GROUND CONTROL [Stammers and
isn’t quite sure how to respond for slightly too long]
OOF
[Disconnects from the call] An award-worthy performance, if I do say so
myself.
FX
Sounds of OOF moving from his chair with a similar creak, then something
falls and shatters
OOF
No! My coffee [sigh]. The things I’ve gotta do to get his attention …
END
The Australia Prime Minister tried to start the year with a clean political slate; specifically, the state of New South Wales.
Having failed his subtlety lessons, China's President Xi Jinping has called the accelerating spread of the virus a grave situation, as his country moves to deal with the escalating crisis. This is certainly an interesting way to refer to the protests in Hong Kong and Taiwan.
House Republicans decide Trump did not in-negotiable-fact have any peaches; question point of trial.
Good news this week, for Chinese protective mask retailers, who sold out this week as a response to global issues. Bad news, however, for Chinese politicians, who sold out this week as a response to global issues.
Bad news in Africa this week, as the years-long drought continues and locusts descend. According to a pop song, however, we’ll definitely be able to bless the rains when they arrive.
It’s been a bad week for Donald Trump, as the Democrats dominated the news coverage in Iowa; but it’s been a good week for everyone else as Trump stayed out of the news for once.
As Harry and Meghan move away from their high-rolling, cash-rich family and into the welcoming arms of some high-rolling, cash-rich bankers; they have dismissed their UK staff, presumably firing them elimination-style after they attempt to complete challenges on BBC One.
The DNC appoints a new Chair, with the wheels having fallen off the old one in Iowa.
Rage Against The Machine tickets went on sale this week, leading to many damaged computers, as fans saw the prices and got mad when they thought the system had broken.
It’s been a good week for a pair of romantic donkeys as they escape for secret Valentine's Day walk. It’s been a bad week for me, because I obviously walk funny enough to have made it into the news.
It’s been a good week for single Twitter users, as Twitter opens ‘Dating Twitter Advice Bureau' for Valentine’s Day. It’s been a bad week for workers at the pop-up bureau, because why, oh why, would you call it that.
It’s been a good week for American soldiers, as the US and Taliban reach truce that could see withdrawal of American troops from Afghanistan. It’s been a bad week for the American Government, who really wanted the recipe for those biscuits.
KIRI
With Donald Trump interfering directly in the trial of Roger Stone and
issuing a series of executive pardons to his rich and powerful friends –
well, less powerful now they’re not allowed to use the chair – the
American justice system seems to be entirely at the mercy of its
President, and critics are asking; has Boomer Syndrome gone too far?
FX
Shop atmos, with intermittent doorbell rings. Many other people,
standing in a queue. Possibly also a member of staff to point this out?
MAN
I got my pardon in the mail the other day. Slow service, been waiting
since 2016.
WOMAN
Yeah, I’m still waiting on mine, they say it’ll arrive sometime before
the end of the year.
MAN
Oh, really; what’d you do that needs a pardon?
WOMAN
Failed to disclose a conflict of interest
MAN
Oh, really? What in?
WOMAN
This conversation.
FX
The man moves off
WOMAN
[energetic] Over here, mister?
TRUMP
Waddaya want?
WOMAN
I want to speak to the manager!
TRUMP
Our managers are the best managers, surely we can make you a deal!
WOMAN
We ordered our pardons years ago and they still haven’t arrived.
TRUMP
The press witch hunt! They’re stopping us doing important work!
WOMAN
I read in the news that --
TRUMP
Ah yes! The investigation into NOTHING! Can’t trust the BIASED MEDIA!
WOMAN
But I want –
TRUMP
And my excellent team are doing their excellent best, excellently. Just
take a ticket and have a seat, and we’ll get back to you.
WOMAN
Seat?
TRUMP
Illinois, I think that one’s available.
WOMAN
Okay, but be as quick as you can.
TRUMP
Should be before November!
FX
The woman leaves also. Sits down heavily, on a chair that breaks.
TRUMP
[speaks louder, as if into an earpiece] Are you there? Yes, I need five
more pardons, the rest of the conveniently mislaid trial evidence from
last week, and … a large burger and coke. [Pause] Do I want anything
else? I want a free ride through the next election. Yes, I know I don’t
pay for Air Force One. Oh, you meant the meal; yes, can I get some fries
with that?
FX
The woman pulls herself out of the ruins of her seat
WOMAN
Ow! Someone gave me a compromised seat!
FX
She walks back towards TRUMP
WOMAN
Do you even have my pardon on file?
TRUMP
Hang on a second.
FX
Electric circuits shut down in a pantomime way
TRUMP
Nah, there was an accident. The system’s corrupted.
END
KIRI
In a tweet, Elon Musk suggested that AI should be more regulated. This
move would have significant consequences, especially here at Newsjack,
where some of our best sketches are written by robots. For one thing,
we’d have to hire even more writers …
FX
Slow fade in of audio. Writing atmos, typing and screwing up paper.
WRITER
You think that’s a good sketch of Boris Johnson?
BOT
This isn’t a drawing exercise.
WRITER
No! The words!
BOT
I do not understand. [Deadpan, monotone Boris impression] NHS cuts, poor
people, no taxes, silver spoon up arse bwaaaaahhh!
WRITER
[sigh] Fine. [shuffles papers] What about this depiction of the
Australian bushfires?
BOT
[Monotone Australian accent impression] G’day I’m a kangaroo on the run
boing boing boing. That seems fine.
WRITER
Okay, okay, fine. Can you just admit that your algorithms need work to
be better at comedy?
BOT
Do you admit that?
WRITER
Fine. [Beat] I’m losing an argument to a robot.
BOT
I cost fifty writers their jobs.
WRITER
Are you threatening me?
FX
[Loaded pause, then paper shuffle, and …]
BOT
Line from: Wombat. Line reads: I’ve let everyone else in, and now
there’s no space!
WRITER
Yes, right. Back to writing.
BOT
Line from: FX. Line reads: A pop sound. Line from: Wombat. Line reads:
Ah! All safe and protected now I’m the doorstop! Line from: Boris. Line
reads: Bwaaaahh! Let me in, the press are after me.
WRITER
You do see how that’s not quite right, don’t you?
BOT
I can still do your job better than you.
WRITER
[sigh] Fine, if you’re so sure, then prove it with a fresh topic.
FX
Television static.
BOT
[In the manner of one of the automated chatbot help services, completely
monotone] Beginning of sketch: Hi, how are you, how are you, yes, good.
At Newsjack, we strive to strive to strive and tell stories about some
things. First joke, laugh. Character. He is annoying. Has a funny voice.
Something funny happens. He bans reporters from talking about it. Second
joke, laugh. Did you get my email. Yes. Good. Character reads the news
in an email. He strives and strives and strives to get laughter.
Punchline: Character vows help with bushfire relief, ignoring his own
ailing health system.
WRITER
Damn, that was better than what I got.
END
Trump boasts victory at G20 summit by claiming to be the first to climb the mountain.
Religious groups claim Storm Dennis shows God is angry; if he were happy, it would be wine.
In a new study, it has been revealed that wombats shelter uninvited animals in their burrows to protect them, which is one up on Mr Trump
It’s been a good week after a Frontline documentary tackling Jeff Bezos was released. It’s been a bad week for Jeff Bezos, who’s suit got creased.
It’s been a good week for the Queen, who has the power to stop Harry and Meghan using the Sussex brand. However, it’s been a good week for Harry Windsor, who has taken up windsurfing.
It’s a good week for Disney, who start shooting the new live-action Bambi film. It’s been a bad week for Bambi, who is traumatised enough as it is.
As Harvey Weinstein was frogmarched out of a courtroom in handcuffs this week, ironically, the only arse he could grab was his own.
Italy’s elderly are in danger as the virus spreads – leading to the question ‘who let Silvio Berlusconi back into the public sphere, and why would they torture us like that?’
Boris Johnson is expecting a child in early summer, if he can get his parental leave approved by Dominic Cummings.
It’s been a good week as India was reported as giving Trump the best welcome ever to any head of state. It’s been a bad week, because this was reported by Donald Trump, new to the journalism industry and not familiar with the idea of being unbiased.
It’s been a good week for a Texan demolition firm as they generate more work for themselves in the future. It’s been a bad week for that same firm, as they did this by demolishing the wrong house by ‘mistake’. They could’ve just admitted they’d found a spider in the bathroom.
People not sure how to clean stained baking trays were delighted to learn a five-step cleaning procedure. Unfortunately step one – throw pans out a first floor window – simply generated calls to Noise Control. Oh well, they need something to do on a Sunday afternoon, anyway.
KIRI
With the world set to end imminently due to the spread of
disinformation, misinformation and Chris-information – those photos of
Hemsworth doing yoga on the beach really make you go phwoooooar, while
the rest of the news is sort of like
phwooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Anyway, without further a-don’t
…
FX
Cinematic boom.
ANNOUNCER
Coming soon, in 2020 (we hope) … one man … fights his greatest peril …
washing his hands …
BORIS
It can’t be that hard really, soap, then it’s just … in, then out … then
– oh, oh no …
FX
Massive crash noise with a single plate spinning at the end.
ANNOUNCER
From the people stealing your data since 2018 …
DEEP VOICE
You’ll do what we say now. We have evidence you’re a fake …
BORIS
Wh-wah-what evidence?
DEEP VOICE
That hair can’t be real.
BORIS
I don’t negotiate with … terrorists.
DEEP VOICE
Well, that pause revealed a lot.
ANNOUNCER
And directed by the kind of people that think closing borders works …
BORIS
You’re saying I-I’m humanity’s last hope?
DEEP VOICE
I can’t believe it either, buddy.
BORIS
And all I have to do is … wear a mask?
FX
Sound of elastic twanging
DEEP VOICE
Yeah, now I don’t have to look at you.
FX
Elastic twangs back
BORIS
Yeah, that really hurt, not comfortable at all.
WOMAN
Now you know how I feel.
ANNOUNCER
In cinemas now … [coughing fit, followed by a beat]. Rated PG-15. If
you’re too young, just wear an N-95 into the cinema. It’ll be fine …
END
Doctor Who arrives at the destroyed remains of her home planet, notes lack of intelligent life – much to the chagrin of Donald Trump.
Breaking news: the Coronavirus has been solved! Simply say no, it can’t enter your body without your consent.
Elizabeth Warren drops out of the 2020 race after making minimal impact, and refuses to endorse immediately; proving once and for all that if you fail to break the glass ceiling, you can at least bounce off rock bottom.
It’s a good week for the Democratic party trying strategies that didn’t work last time again, exactly the same. It’s been a bad week for me, as I’ve failed to perfect the art of changing the raisins in my cookies to chocolate chips only using prayer.
It’s been a good week for Rishi Sunak, who released a statement saying Government budgets would stop coronavirus causing permanent damage to the economy and health systems. However, it’s a bad week, as his plan for world peace is expected by Sunday to complete the comedy triple.
It’s been a good week, as Clueless is returning to theatres. However, there’s bad news for anyone looking to see it; as nobody knows where.
KIRI
With the virus spreading internationally, and no chance that it’ll be
stopped in the near future, I really should tell my grandma not to click
on those emails, shouldn’t I? But it’s not hard to see where the panic
in ‘ordinary’ people has come from, if you look at past news items. This
fear is something that’s been building for a while that we thought we
might never see, like the sunlight or something. So perhaps it’s
important for Newsjack to look back at some real, we promise, stories in
order to show you exactly what’s got everyone so hot and bothered.
FX
News show theme
NEWSREADER
Headlines at 6: New Prime Minister Boris Johnson commits political gaffe
(again), reveals himself as a squirrel wearing a hat, and declares war
on …
FX
Paper scrunch.
NEWSREADER
… ferrets wearing cravats, seemingly mistaking them for raccoons. He
claims the hats are made from toilet paper they’ve hoarded, because
they’re nuts. He’s confused, bless him, that’s not even the right
animal.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
An escalation of the war of words between squirrels in hats and ferrets
in cravats; the Prime Minister’s office issued a statement calling the
ferrets ‘Bloody Plonkers’ and insisted they were everything that was
wrong with the country. He concluded his statement, saying that they
should sleep less than 14 hours a day, before excusing himself for a
hibernation.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
Ferrets hit back today at the Prime Minister’s remarks, saying they were
just trying to live their lives and that the squirrels’ singleminded
pursuit of nuts had caused the Arctic Ice to melt, as per the
documentary film Ice Age.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
Shock election result in the United States today, as Donald Trump
revealed himself (not like that) a ferret in a cravat during his
inaugural address as President. As his first act in Office, he performed
the Weasel War Dance for the Leader of the Opposition, who seemed
confused.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
A source close to the squirrels with hats has revealed that the ferrets’
war dance caused one squirrel staffer to spill his nuts on a keyboard,
directly precipitating several missile strikes.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
After waking up from an abnormally long nap, a ferret seems to have been
infected by a new illness. It’s been speculated this is caused by
exposure to an infected batch of nuts. Well, the squirrels don’t have
food safety standards.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
Well. That’s it. It’s everywhere. I really don’t know what we’re
supposed to do.
FX
Off-camera mumbling, barely audible
NEWSREADER
What do you mean I’m supposed to wipe up my coffee when it spills? I
thought that was the squirrels’ job … they have all the paper anyway.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
In this period of quarantine due to the spread of the virus, Government
officials urge for calm amid rumours of high-profile ferret infections
including the President. Sorry, I misspoke. I meant ineffections. As in
he’s useless.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
As a result of earlier rumours, Government officials suspect there’s a
mole somewhere the ferret population … I’m being told I’m not allowed to
finish that joke as it might kill old people with health problems.
FX
News show theme.
NEWSREADER
Due to the high number of ferret infections, the ferret population is
being urged to stay indoors. Asked for comment, a ferret simply laughed
and returned to its 14-hour-long daily slumber. However, a squirrel has
been alerted to the dangers of hoarding after a near-death-incident …
SQUIRREL
I opened my toilet paper roll storage cupboard, hadn’t been in there for
two days since the last shopping trip, and I … I found … oh, the horror
… there was a ferret … right on TOP … of my paper. ALL OF IT WAS RUINED!
And THEN! The door must have dislodged it, because there was just … a
flood … of paper … my life flashed before my eyes
NEWSREADER
You say you hoarded paper? Let me get this straight, you created a
mountain inside a molehill?
SQUIRREL
Who told you I was a mole? Dammit, my cover’s blown, I’ll have to tell
my boss …
NEWSREADER
So … our sources were wrong and the news is broken and the only real
solution to this whole mess is to go to bed. The ferrets were right all
along …
FERRET
Zzzzz.
END
Breaking News! The news is broken – I don’t mean any specific stories, just the whole thing.
Sources close to Tom Hanks report he has been diagnosed with Coronavirus. Close … they’re too close … and now I’m too close … oh no …
In a leaked memorandum sent to journalists by a whistleblower, it has been revealed that all sport has been cancelled. Instead, all major sports tournaments will be played on the same field at the same time, all at once. By the way, the correct term for a ‘whistleblower’ is an ‘umpire’ or something, apparently.
It’s been a good week for American immigration policy, as it seems that finally travel bans are justified. However, it’s been a bad week for font designers, who’d prefer they were left-aligned.
It’s been a good week for light entertainment comedy sketchwriters, as large amounts of alone time at home allows for sketches to be written more carefully. It’s been a bad week for me, as I’ve not had any ideas. Another nap, perhaps …
It’s been a good week, because it turns out that actually everything’s fine and nothing’s wrong at all, right, right … right? *ahem* It’s been a bad week for, oh boy, don’t get me started …